When parents interfere in the married life of their children, they literally destroy it by their unthinking behavior.
Parents love you dearly and so feel they have a say in your relationship. This makes them interfere unnecessarily in your married life.
Parents feel their interference can make your relationship happy and trouble free. They have their experience to guide you – so they feel.
But in reality their interference actually aggravates the mild difference you have with your spouse into a mammoth confrontation between you.
- You have to live through your relationship.
- You have to adjust with your spouse.
- You have to tolerate the minor differences you have with him\her.
- You have to communicate to make your thoughts known to your spouse.
- You have to make your relationship work.
Your parents can do none of this.
Why is it most parents do not understand this common mistake they keep on making?
‘How dare your husband say those words to you? Are you so thick skinned that you tolerated his words?’ the shrill voice of my neighbor carried through to me.
‘He said those words in a flash of anger. He did not actually mean it’ I heard Anita, her daughter retorting back.
‘If you allow him to control you, you are going to suffer. Listen to me. Don’t go back to him. You stay here. Let him come and apologize to you. Then you can think of living with him’ my neighbor was ferociously instigating her daughter against her husband.
Anita came to see me the next day. Her eyes were puffy with continued crying.
‘What happened, Anita? I asked worryingly.
‘Aunty, I had an argument with my husband yesterday. We exchanged lot of hot words. But it was all superficial and in momentary anger’ she said sadly.
I didn’t say a word. I knew that such arguments were part and parcel of any marriage relationship.
‘I should have made it up with my husband, but I was so angry that I complained about him to my mother. Now she is making it a big issue by not allowing me to go home. She insists my husband apologize to me. He will never do it because both were in the fault. I just do not know what to do.’ She sobbed.
Was her mother right in intruding into the personal life of her daughter?
She was not.
Instead of advising her daughter she was interfering.
She is one among the many parents who never know their limits in interfering into the relationship problems of their children.
Why don’t they understand that their children are mature enough to deal with their relationship problems?
What happens when parents interfere in the married life of their children? They destroy it
Do you know parents are also a main reason for the spurt of divorce among couples?
- They do everything wrong by being prejudiced and one sided.
- They give wrong advice to you against your spouse.
- They exaggerate the minor mistakes of your spouse.
- They don’t understand that they are exceeding their limits.
‘Nowadays parents are also very selfish. They are also very self-centered. They hold on to their children and do not let them live their lives’ an advocate friend of mine told me.
‘Some couples are carried away by the wrong advice given by their parents and separate from their spouse. It feels bad to see couples listening to a third person to decide the future of their relationship’ she continued sadly.
She had a valid point there.
‘The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.’ – Jim Morrison
You can ask them advice for some major family issues,but the final decision should always be yours.
You know your relationship problems better than your parents, don’t you?
It is true that without your parents you wouldn’t be what you are now. You owe them your success and stature in society. You should respect and consult them in all important decisions of your life.
But your relationship with your spouse and its related issues are all your own very personal problems. Your parents can have no say in it.
If you allow them to dictate terms and conditions in your relationship it creates innumerable misunderstanding with your spouse.
Parents always see your relationship problems from your viewpoint. They invariably point accusing fingers at your spouse.
Your spouse never likes it. In fact he\she resents it.
They fail to understand that they should take a step back from your life after your marriage.
They should also realize that your spouse is there to take care of you.
- They feel insecure that they might lose your love.
- They overstay your hospitality.
- They give you wrong advice about your in-laws.
- They intrude into your personal interaction with your spouse.
- They make you feel guilty that you do not care for them.
- Your parents hear only your viewpoint.
- To them you are always right and your spouse is always wrong.
These blunders your parents make sometimes destroys your marriage.
Are you from a rich family and your spouse from a lower status?
This is enough for them to make unwarranted comments about your luxurious life before marriage and your mediocre life after marriage.
Your spouse is naturally resentful and angry against your parents.
Are you are more professionally successful than your spouse?
Your parents make demeaning comments about how your spouse is no match to your ability.
This is is not all.
They also make yet another mistake.
They often visit your home.
You are after all their dear child, aren’t you?
Nothing wrong in it.
But they overstay their hospitality which makes your spouse feel his\her privacy intruded upon. Their eyes follow you around spying what is going on between you and your spouse.
The mistake often lies with you.
You take your relationship problems to your parents. And they barge in to argue with your spouse in your defense. There is no need to say that he\she gets wild with anger at your unthinking behavior.
When you communicate with your spouse about your problems it is very easy to overcome it.
Your parents do not interfere with the intention of ruining your marriage. They feel emotionally insecure when you deviate from them to lead your own life. They become a wee bit jealous of the person who now holds your total attention.
What should your parents do?
- They should realize that you have a family of your own.
- They should know that you cannot spend as much time with them as before.
- They should acknowledge the fact you have a more important role to play. The role of a husband\wife.
What should you do to prevent interference of your parents?
- Resolve the problems with your spouse between yourself.
- Never go to your parents with a complaint list against your spouse.
- Don’t keep asking them advice.
- Set your boundary lines.
Does this mean parents are redundant in your life?
Of course not.
They mean a lot to you.
But they should not cling to you for emotional support.
They should let you lead your life. They should be neutral. They should treat your spouse as their son\daughter. They should not be prejudiced against your spouse.
They must know their limits.
Your parents will be loved and cherished by you when they step back and let you enjoy your married life.