Reactions to fights in marriage decides whether it will affect your relationship or not.
‘I feel angry and resentful when my spouse argues with me. That is it. I don’t see how it will affect my marriage’ you might well say.
This is a sweeping statement. Your reactions to arguments with your spouse are not always the same. You react differently to different situations and your spouse does the same.
There are two sides in an argument between couples.
The one who argues and the one who reacts.
‘Hey, can’t you be a little smart. Why are you gaping at things we are not going to buy’ the yelling sound of a man’s voice made me turn to look at him. I was shopping in a mall and a man was yelling loudly at his wife in front of many gaping people.
I observed the reaction of his wife to the arrogant anger of her husband. She had a contemptuous look in her face which conveyed the clear message ‘I just don’t care even if you shout and create a scene. I am not at all bothered’.
She continued her window shopping as if her husband was non-existent. Hers was a disdainful reaction to an uncalled for comment from her husband.
So arguments and your reaction to it decides the compatibility in your relationship.
Why do reactions to fights in marriage matter so much?
Arguments with your spouse become aggressive or mild according to the way you react to it.
When you react calmly to the anger of your spouse your interaction is back to normal within hours.
A sign of good relationship between you.
But when your arguments and reactions become hot-blooded and hostile it makes your married life tense and oppressive.
Unsympathetic and aggressive arguments and equally angry reactions are like high tides. It is very destructive and very disastrous to your marriage.
In today’s marriage you argue bitterly and react with venom as if your spouse was your enemy.
‘Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over- analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.’ – Leo F. Buscaglia
Why do you react with vengeance to whatever he\she says?
You have great expectations about your spouse before marriage.
But you are greatly disappointed by him\her after marriage.
Your disappointment makes your interaction with your spouse very argumentative and aggressive. Both argue for innocuous reasons. Both react with hostility to arguments as if you were enemies.
Shall we look at your different reactions to fights in marriage?
1.The self- righteous reaction
- Do you always retaliate violently when you argue with your spouse?
- Is it always a head long collision between you?
- Do you want to prove that you are always right and your spouse is always wrong?
You continue your malicious reaction for days to prove that you are in the right. You never let go your spouse for the hurting words he\she spoke. You want an explanation. You want an apology. You want surrender.
This self-righteous reaction to arguments leads to intense bitterness and resentment in your relationship.
2. The resentment reaction
You feel oppressed when you are unable to express your thoughts to your spouse. When you feel uneasy and apprehensive to share your real emotions with him\her there is no true emotional closeness between you.
You store your resentment and anger in your mind. When your spouse argues with you, you do not argue back.
This does not mean you are meek and submissive. You suppress your bitter feelings against your spouse within you. Suppressed emotions are always volcanic. It can erupt anytime.
3. Indifferent reaction
You become indifferent to your spouse as years go by. You do not care about what he\she says. You do not react to his\her show of temper as you have mentally drifted too far away from your spouse.
This emotional withdrawal is yet another death knell to your relationship.
When you draw away from your spouse emotionally it makes your married life lifeless, worthless, dull and tedious. Your spouse feels that he\she might as well be arguing with a wall as you do not react at all.
The rift between you has become so wide.
You are indifferent to what your spouse argues about. You mentally detach yourself from him\her. Your mind pulls the shutter down to the emotions of your spouse. You are never bothered about what he\she really wants to convey through his\her argument.
Indifferent reaction is always a great marriage wrecker.
4. Submissive reaction
When your spouse argues, you do not answer back. You are submissive and yield meekly to his\her arguments. This does not mean you agree to what your spouse argues about.
You do not like to air your thoughts as you know that your spouse will never be considerate and understanding.
Your yielding reaction does not in any way take away the bitterness you feel about your spouse. Inwardly you seethe with resentment and anger. You feel voiceless. You feel uncared and unloved by your spouse.
Yielding to arguments without totally agreeing to what your spouse says makes your married life boring and taxing.
5. The call for backup reaction
You do not want your spouse to get away easily for the hurt he\she inflicts on you. You want justice. You feel your parents are the only ones who could help you.
You immediately call upon them for support. Your parents love you and so are very prejudiced. They fight with your spouse on your behalf. You unknowingly make your fight into a family feud by taking the issue to your parents.
A completely immature reaction.
Can you see how your reactions to fights in marriage differ?
You have to react the right way if you want your marriage to survive. When your reactions are too heated and hostile it could end your marriage.
You have to react to your spouse. Otherwise your relationship would be a boring and dull survival of two persons. But never take your fight beyond its limits.
When your fight exceeds its limits your relationship becomes a battlefield. You don’t want that, do you?