The initial problems in the first year of marriage makes you nervous and anxious, doesn’t it?
Your rosy expectations about your spouse is destroyed.
You are sure your spouse is not what he\she was before marriage.
Most couples face these initial problems in the first year of marriage.
After all you are new to each other, aren’t you?
You have to get used to the behavior of your spouse- many times entirely different from that of yours.
But sadly you feel that the initial problems in the first year of marriage will be permanent. This makes you feel all keyed up and tensed.
You are wrong.
Aching and painful.
But very temporary.
Unfortunately, a marriage license doesn’t come with a job description or a set of instructions. There is definitely ‘some assembly required’. In fact putting together a modern day marriage can be likened to assembling an airplane in flight’-Patricia Love
The wedding of Sadhana, my friend’s daughter was held in a very grand manner. The decorations were made with classic taste. I also observed with wonder the color sync of the dress of the bride and bridegroom with the marriage décor.
The smiling and the excited faces of the couple added even more beauty to the total atmosphere. Well! Well! Today’s youngsters really had excellent and unique taste, I told myself.
But I was in for a shock when I visited my friend’s house a couple of months later. My friend’s daughter looked listless and jaded.
‘My marriage is a total failure, aunty’, she told me tearfully.
‘You are just married, Sadhana. Why do you feel your marriage is a failure? I was worried for the girl.
‘My husband is not the person I loved. He has changed so much that I feel I am living with a stranger’.
She kept on listing complaints about her husband. All innocuous and harmless. But she made it sound as though her husband was a sadist. Her youthful ignorance about marriage made me sad.
The euphoria of happiness you feel when you marry the person you ardently love has never been experienced by you before. You literally glow in your love for your spouse. The initial days of your marriage are truly delightful and you just can’t have enough of him\her.
But the sad thing about marriage is that this initial happiness is not a prediction of an everlasting happy married life.
Soon both come to the harsh reality of day to day life. This is when the true test to your marriage begins. The pressure of living together slowly has its telling effect on you.
After marriage, you are thrown into the harsh world of responsibilities and commitments. It is as though your love for each other has faded.
Your dreamy expectations about your spouse is crushed and thrashed one by one.
- He\she seems to be entirely different from the person I loved.
- He\she is not as caring as I thought to be.
- His\her habits make my nerves creepy.
- He\she is commanding and demanding.
- He\she is not as interesting as I thought to be.
You list out the faults of your spouse and feel that she\he is not the person you should have married.
Your relationship goes through a rough phase because of the initial problems in the first year of marriage.
1. Difference in habits and behavior
Certain habits of your spouse make you feel edgy and highly irritated. When in love, both put your best foot forward to show yourself as a unique person.
So you know nothing about the personal behavior and habits of your spouse and he\she knows nothing about yours.
But when you live together there are lots of things about him\her which you find very exasperating and intolerable.
Wife’s point of view
- The snoring habit of my husband sets my teeth on edge.
- He is too lazy.
- The way he leaves his things strewn around makes me want to yell at him.
- He does not listen to me.
- He always passes snide remarks about me.
Husband’s point of view
- My wife is a nag and persistently tells me to do this and that.
- She always criticizes me.
- She questions my whereabouts and I feel suffocated.
- My wife is an interfering busybody.
- She would not allow me to help my parents.
The irritating aspects of your spouse becomes pricking thorns in the beginning stages of your married life.
2. Dictatorial financial decisions
Before marriage you spent your money as you wanted to. No one questioned you about it.
You bought things that caught your fancy as you were not answerable to anybody. When you wanted to help your parents, you did it at your will.
But everything turns topsy-turvy after marriage. You have a master in your spouse who wants every details of your spending. This makes you feel cramped and oppressed.
You are no longer able to help your parents because your spouse will not allow it.
When you buy things you like, your spouse accuses you of being irresponsible to spend on things which have no immediate need.
This is topmost of the initial problems in the first year of marriage.
3. You no longer have ‘me time’
Before marriage your time was yours and you did whatever you wanted to do.
Life of husband before marriage
- You had real fun, going to places which caught your fancy.
- You had rollicking time with your friends as and when you wanted.
- You spend your time just lazing around the house.
- You spent money as you wanted to.
But after marriage your wife literally clings to you. She demands you to spend all your free time with her.
When you want to have fun moments with your friends she sulks and nags that you still haven’t become a married man and remain a bachelor boy.
Life of wife before marriage
- You are burdened with household chores which make you tired and fatigued.
- There seems to be no reprieve for you as one household work after another pile up.
- There is competition for the TV remote as your husband wants to see his favorite match and would not let you watch your favorite soaps.
Your husband seems to think that household work is a woman’s prerogative. He dominates you in many ways. His male chauvinism angers and irritates you.
4. Responsibilities are thrust on you
One responsibility after another makes you feel shackled and you want to be free from it. You think longingly about the fun days you had before marriage. You compare it with the string of problems you have to handle after marriage.
You are no longer the humorous person you were before marriage.
You are alarmed by the many commitments which you never knew existed in marriage.
Your commitments make you overwhelmed and anxious. You literally chip under the pressure of family issues. Your anxiety makes you easily pick up a fight with your spouse.
5. The frenzied love for each other no longer seems to exist
Your love days
‘I love you’, you repeated these magic words at least an umpteenth time when you were in love. When you thought of your spouse you felt overwhelmed with love.
You appreciated your spouse easily as you found everything about him\her fascinating.
When you had arguments it was always short lived and mild.
You surprised your spouse with lavish gifts. There was always an undercurrent of mild acting in your interaction with her\him as you wanted to show yourself as a perfect match to him\her.
After marriage days
After marriage, everything about your relationship slips into the routine and mundane. You do not notice the beauty of your spouse and the magic words ‘I love you’ is never uttered by you.
‘He\she must know that I do love him\her. I have many commitments for the family. I do not have the time and energy to show my love. After all it is the family responsibilities that keep me busy’ is your well-rehearsed contention.
Responsibilities and commitments after marriage should never be an obstruction to demonstrate your love.
Initial problems in the first year of marriage should be sorted out by both amiably.
If you ignore it, it soon snowballs into huge relationship problems. It literally sweeps your marriage under the landslide of misunderstanding and non-compatibility.