Do you bring in past fights into your new arguments with your husband?
A very grave mistake!
‘My wife always dig up past fights that happened years ago,’ my cousin looked completely washed out.
I could understand his moodiness.
Living with an ever arguing wife could be very taxing for a man.
‘Why does she does bring in past fights? She should understand that it is done and over.’ I was worried why his wife made this critical mistake which could ruin her happiness.
‘Not only that. She remembers every word I had uttered in anger. She uses it as a blaming weapon in the fights we have now’ my cousin was naturally irritated by his wife.
‘This only means she had been harboring resentment against me for many years, doesn’t it?’ he concluded sadly.
Fights and arguments in marriage are very common and normal. In fact it tags itself along with your marriage package. Anger and irritation makes your husband burst out in arguments against you.
If you understand your husband perfectly you know that his angry words are not from his heart. It is very superficial and shallow. He bursts out in anger due to stress. He soon forgets about it.
It is very wrong on his part. He cannot thrust his frustrations and tension on you.
But you take his anger too seriously and feel terribly hurt and upset.
You never easily forget the angry words your husband uttered.
This is very wrong on your part.
Does your husband apologize to you?
A good husband should apologize for the anger he displayed.
What do you do when your husband apologizes?
Do you accept it and forget it?
You are indeed a wonderful wife. The resentment and anger between you soon fades away into obscurity.
This is an emphatic sign of a good marriage.
But this never seems to happen in modern marriages.
Bringing up the past fights – Topmost mistake a wife makes
When there are new arguments between you, you add fuel to fire by bringing in past fights that happened long ago.
This is a serious relationship mistake that literally cuts your married life into shreds.
- You forget the fights you had with your friends.
- You forget the animosity you felt against your colleague.
- You readily apologize and make up with them.
- You do not want to get into their bad books.
But your attitude is entirely different towards your husband.
You make a big deal of the hot words your husband spoke in momentary anger. You store it in your mind as a future weapon to be used against him. Your resentment and anger remains embers in your mind. Your new fights fans the embers.
You remember your past fights to the minute detail. You bring it up to strengthen your new fights.
Why do you do it?
Are you enemies that you never forget the past fights with your husband?
If you want your marriage to work, you should develop the art of forgetting.
Past fights should remain past fights. It has no place in your present married life.
My mother is eighty years old. She still remembers the fights she had with my father. Though she is no longer bitter about it, she recollects every words my father spoke in anger. I too remember the angry words spoken by my husband vividly.
Why is it so?
A woman is very emotional.
You never forget the good done by your husband. You never forget the bad also. Sadly you store the good done by your husband in your mind. You never open out how happy you felt about certain things your husband did for you.
Your poor husband is in the dark about your hidden appreciation.
But you open out ferociously about how deeply hurt he made you some ten years ago. You dig up all your past fights with pencil sharp memory.
He had forgotten the fights long ago.
Do you know your husband feels emotionally shattered when you remember your past fights with vividness and with same hostility?
My friend’s husband is very hot tempered and sometimes very violent when he is angry.
He always flares up in highly volatile anger when he is stressed and tensed by his work related pressures.
But he never fails to apologize to my friend for his temperamental tantrums.
Do you know what the reaction of my friend is to his apology?
‘I accept his apology immediately’ she said with a smile.
‘Don’t you feel angry that he hurt you when you had done nothing wrong,’ I was astonished at her understanding attitude.
‘What is the use of fighting with him when he feels bad for what he did? When I interact with him normally after his unnecessary flash of anger I can literally feel his shame and remorse.’
‘I must make my marriage work. I do not want to dig past fights to prove my point and break my relationship,’ she smiled at me. I could only look admiringly at her.
She is a perfect example of a good wife who knows the trick of making a success of her marriage.
End your fight instantly.
Your husband is not your enemy.
An understanding husband will definitely realize his mistakes.
When you do not retaliate with equal anger your husband feels terrible and ashamed of himself. This is the nature of a man.
But you do not want to accept his apology.
‘How dare he utters words which hurt me?’
‘I will never forgive him. I still remember him doing the same thing two years ago. He uttered the same words then also. He has never changed. I will never let him go easily’ you anger is justified. But this attitude will only make things worse.
Your arguments continues throughout the night and continues for days. Your marriage is in serious trouble now.
When you dig up past fights your relationship becomes chaotic and messy. Something you never want. You husband should realize his mistakes. You can do it only when you are forgiving and forgetting. Not when you dig up past fights.