Being married to a porn addict husband can be nerve wracking and distressing, to say the least.
Every marriage has its own share of problems and issues. It is a harsh fact that a problem free marriage does not exist for anyone. Problems come and go in your married life and you handle it as and when issues creep into your relationship
But addictions are not relationship problems. Addiction is a mental disease. They are leeches which suck the element of happiness away from your life.
Yes!
Certain addictions can leave your marriage in shambles. When your spouse is addicted to something which is not socially acceptable, your total world crumbles under your feet.
Addiction brings endless trauma to your married life.
What is an addiction?
Any habit over which you have no control, and which controls you is an addiction. Most of you think that alcoholism; drugs and gambling are the common addictions which wrecks your marriage.
No.
You are wrong.
There is an addiction worse than these.
It is porn addiction.
“I am going to divorce my husband”Amrita, my friend told me with tears welling in her ears.
“What happened Amrita? I thought both were happy with each other” I was completely baffled when Amrita told me that she was going to divorce her husband.
“Even I thought I was lucky to have married a hardworking and successful person. But of late, the behavior of my husband was confusing to me. He has changed so much that I feel I am living with a stranger” my friend looked absolutely shattered.
“He would shut himself in his room for hours. He never interacts with the children. He never talks with me. And nowadays he never has sex with me”Amrita went on with her voice trembling in sadness.
“My whole world crashed when I accidently saw porn pictures in his mobile. I now realized the reason behind my husband’s indifference. It was his porn addiction” my friend looked dejected and depressed.
“I tried reasoning with my husband. But he walked out on me. What is the use of continuing in a marriage when your husband does not have basic decency?”she shuddered with revulsion.
Yes!
Being married to a porn addict husband is not easy. You want to end your shame and agony by throwing him out of your life.
When your husband is addicted to porn, you feel shamed and outraged.
Because it is a sexual perversity, in its worst form.
Are you alone is having to live with a porn addict husband?
No.
You are not.
It exists in many marriages.
It is not much discussed because wives fear the social stigma attached to it.
Are you unlucky to have married a porn addict husband?
You are on constant struggle to hold your marriage together, aren’t you?
When your husband fantasies about sex in its crudest form, he loses interest in having normal physical relationship with you.
This is the reason you find it very difficult to co-exist with your porn addict husband.
He is not satisfied with the sexual pleasure you give him.
If your husband is addicted to drugs or alcoholism, you find it out easily as he shows it outwardly and openly. But when your husband is addicted to porn, you find it very difficult to pinpoint the uneasiness you feel about him.
lnitially you never really doubt that you are married to a porn addict husband, as you never associate him to such an addiction.
But you have some sort of a nagging doubt about his behavior, don’t you?
His sexual movements becomes more perverse and unrealistic. He compels you to do things which makes you cry out in pain.
This is not what a normal husband would do, isn’t it?
Sex with your husband makes you feel as if your body has been misused by a maniac.
There is another way your husband shows that he has some grave mental problem.
The behavior of your husband undergoes many drastic changes that it literally alarms you.
- Your porn addict husband totally distances himself from you.
- He refuses sex with you.
- If at all your husband has sex, his sexual demands are often painful and hurting to you.
- He spends aloof moments when he is home. He rarely interact with you.
The totally changed behavior of your husband makes you have all sorts of doubts about him.
Here are that tell-tale signs showing that you are married to a porn addict husband.
1. Your porn addict husband distances himself from the society
Your husband does not involve himself in normal social activities, like meeting friends, going out as a family and playing with your children.
He also distances himself from meeting relatives and friends.
He has his own group of friends whom he does not introduce to you.
You break your head as to why your husband never interacts in a normal way with others.
2. He does not care for your pain
He is very harsh and cruel when having sexual intercourse with you.
You do not enjoy sex with him. In fact, you are terrified of it, as he deliberately hurts you.
He behaves as though he was having sex with a stranger. He displays no affection and no inclination to make you sexually satisfied.
Your body aches as if you were attacked after he moves away from you.
3. He is glued to the internet
You often wonder why your husband is spending tons of time browsing the internet.
He does not allow you near him when he is browsing.
Your porn addict husband shuts himself in the room and never comes out.
His browsing history is often deleted by him.
He keeps changing the password of his mobile so that you cannot have an access to his activities.
4. He becomes uncommunicative
Your husband never communicates with you with love.
He never discusses family issues with you.
He never shares family commitments with you.
Your porn addict husband abuses you without any valid reason.
5. His sexual act is not normal
Sex should be enjoyable to both.
But your husband’s sexual behavior towards you is abnormal.
His love making is not emotional or enjoyable to you.
It becomes more of a barbaric act as he acts like an animal.
6. He looks too intensely at other women
It is normal for men to be attracted to women. They ogle at attractive women.
But normal men do not strip women with their eyes.
Your porn addict husband does it. It is because he sees a woman only as a sexual object.
7. Your porn addict husband is abusive
Your husband makes degrading comments about you. He literally makes you cry by making harsh comments about your appearance, dress, weight, and looks.
He derives sadistic pleasure at your unhappiness.
It is as though he has completely lost his love for you.
CONCLUSION
Don’t blame yourself for the abnormal behavior of your porn addict husband. It has nothing to do with you.
Never think you are the only one suffering from such a trauma. There are many who suffer like you.
You should definitely confront your husband about this.
He owes you an explanation.
If you feel you can no longer tolerate the perverse behavior of your husband, you can divorce him.
But, don’t brood and fall into depression.
Reshape your life after moving away from your porn addict husband and face the world boldly and confidently.
Neha says
5 years into marriage two kids. Concieved on first day . Most of the things my husband told me about him were lie.
We met thru matrimony site. He presented to be well educated , health concious and financially secured.
But gradually i have realized that none is this is true.
He is obessive about sex and have had affairs post marriage.
He is obssive about looks and would do anything to look young(injection steriods) and demeans me for my looks and health.
He is not financially secured. His expenses on himself are more than his earnings.
He is very operessive. If i dont do anythings as per his wish he will treat me like shit.
Since last one year he has started hitting me.
He tells everyone i m nagging wife and dont love or care for him (to which i believed for some time that problem was with me). But from day one i have done everything as per his wish always believing he is correct. Whenever i dont agree with him he distances me. Wont have sex or talk to me.
His girlfrends come over when i m out for work to which he always has some excuse.
He had affair with his cousin when i was expecting my second child.
He doesnt respect my parents , he left his mom alone when his younger brother was murdered. His father too left the family and whole family disintegrated.
I was always bright fun loving caring. Now i dont know what to do. I still expect that he might change. He shows he loves his kids but whenever it comes to guiding them what right and wrong he alwys chooses easy way which is not in thier best interest.
He has distanced me from my relatives.
I dont know his friends either.
He blames me that for me work is priority not family. I have told him i m ready to leave job but then he is not ready to support my expenses.
Can u tell me i m wrong ..is there any hope. He threatens to hit me again till i bleed if i confront him for girlfriends.
My parents are always worried.
Mathi says
Hi Neha,
Your husband is being selfish and immature. And it is mental trauma to live with such a self-loving person. But, you should understand one thing. Your husband is being abusive because you are allowing him to. Just because you are married to him, it does not give him any right to treat you highhandedly. You should act confidently and show him that you will respect him and adjust with him, but you will not take any of his abuse lightly. When you are assertive, your husband will think twice before physically abusing him.
Do not leave your job. You have to be financially independent at least for the sake of your children.
Tell him firmly that you will not take his affairs lightly. Don’t brood and become depressive because of your husband. You have your children to think of. Don’t expect him to respect your parents. If you do so, it will become his trump card. He will deliberately insult them to hurt you. Tell your parents about him and ask them to avoid coming home when he is there. You can always go to your parent’s house to see them. This is a small tip.
If your husband body shames you, it does in anyway make you a lesser and unattractive person. Understand that you are beautiful in your own way.
If your husband still continues his affairs in spite of your warning, you have to be mentally prepared to leave him. You have your life to think of. You have your children to consider. You cannot lose your life just because your husband does not understand the values of life. But this is an extreme step. First of all, put your husband in his place by being firm, decisive and confident. Don’t go begging for his love and attention. It will make him feel he has a hold on you.
Give him a cold shoulder when he hurts you. Show him that his rude behavior does not affect you in anyway. This will make your husband feel confused and baffled at your changed behavior.
Good luck and I hope your husband will change for the better.
Maria Houston says
My marriage has never been consumated due to my husband’s past porn addiction. I’m his third wife. I’m mentally disabled and have no idea how to leave him w/out having a breakdown. I’ve stuck around for 10 years for that very reason. He is so controlling and has anger outburts if I don’t agree with him. I have lost my womenhood. No support from my siblings. I have no one to turn to. How do I get out? Thinking about moving to my hometown but my doctors are all here in Des Moines. I’ve been trapped for so long. Maria.
Mathi says
Hi Maria,
It is surprising you have stayed in a marriage which offers you nothing. You say that you want to get out of your marriage. For that you must be financially independent. Are you working? If not, you must do something which will make you financially self sufficient. Moving to your hometown is a good idea. It will make you feel more secure. Don’t worry that your doctors are there. It should not affect you in anyway. Think twice before taking a final decision. Do you feel your marriage will never work? If so, move away from your husband and lead a life which will give you peace and calm.
Erik says
I am a 61 year old male and have been struggling with addictions most of my life. I have been married twice and have two children who are now in their early twenties. My last relationship, to the mother of my two children, ended when I was 45; 16 years ago. Since our relationship ended I have not been in any relationships, nor have I had sex. I have a few female friends, but keep it platonic. I am not suitable to be in a relationship; women deserve better. I have been addicted to alcohol, marihuana and porn.
Today it is 10 years since I smoked my last joint and had a drink. I still occasionally watch porn, but not very often; among several reasons probably due to my age and lower levels of testosteron. I also have a good relationship with my children. Their mother and I also have a fairly good relationship today. We are not close, but we treat each other with respect and are together on family occasions such as xmas and birthdays, and communicate regularly about matters regarding our children, who we both love very much.
An important reason why we do not have a conflict today is the fact that I due to therapy have realised that a lot of the problems we had, but not all, was caused by my irresponsible behavior. I am lucky to have two great children that I love and who loves me. I will be forever gratefull to their mother for the great job she has done with raising them. I have deep respect for her for that. The same applies to her husband, who has been a great stepfather for them.
The reason I write this is to warn you not to be fooled. Your partner do not have to fit the discription above to be addicted to porn. Many of the flaws described above can be and are relevant, but not neceserally all. I have never caused my two xwifes physical pain of any kind or been abusive during sex or in other situasions. I have certainly caused them emotional pain, but have never degraded them verbally as described above. Neither have I felt sadistic pleasure in making them unhappy, on the contrary. This has caused me great pain and shame, and it still does. Neither did I distance myself from society. I had many friends and an active social life both with my wifes and their friends and with my own mates. I still have an active sosial life with family and friends today.
A man can have serious problems with addiction to porn and substance abuse without fitting the label of a sociopatic maniac as described above. I have also been active in taking part in my childrens life, playing with them when they were small, and been active in their upbringing. They are both very important to me and have been so ever since they were born. Neither did I cheat on my two wifes when we were together.
You should look for warning signs way before your partner have evolved to a misfit as described above!