Expectations vs reality in married life has many mind-blowing differences and disappointments in store for you.
You have many expectations about your spouse before marriage. But end up with intense disappointments after marriage. This is a common modern marriage scenario.
Why is expectations vs reality in married life a shocking experience for you?
The answer is simple.
Your expectations are based on your perfectionistic imagination about your spouse.
Imagination has no limits, isn’t it?
You weave many idealistic images about your spouse before marriage. And he\she more than fulfills your expectations before your marriage.
Both put your best foot forward during your dating days. This makes you feel sure that your marriage will be idealistic and heavenly. You like many qualities about your spouse which makes you dream about a perfect marriage.
But after marriage, the qualities you admired in him\her is replaced by qualities, you dislike.
Yes!
Your expectations vs reality in married life has many shocking disillusionment in store for you.
There are times you find it difficult to cope up with your crashed expectations.
Now the war between expectations vs reality in married life begins to shatter your mental
peace.
1. Expectation about love before marriage –Ever green love
You are confirmed that your love for each other will never lose its sheen. You are sure that your rosy love days would continue throughout your married life.
Both whisper sweet nothings before marriage.
You spend many hours talking with each other before marriage.
You just cannot wait for your wedding day.
You take your marriage vows emotionally and feel on the top of the world.
Reality about love after marriage –Dried out love
Though you love each other, both do not have time to display it.
Why?
After your marriage, many responsibilities are thrust on you. You can no longer afford to be carefree.
Your concentration shifts from being lovey dovey, to being committed to your family duties. Your spouse does the same.
This makes both feel frustrated, unloved, and uncared. You are utterly disappointed that you have permanently lost the newness of your love.
2. Expectation about money before marriage –Money does not matter
In your crazy love for each other, you do not attach great importance to money before your marriage. You are emotional to feel that your money belongs to your spouse also.
You are lavish in gifting your spouse. You lend money easily whenever he\she asks you.
You are sure money would never intrude into the love you have for each other.
Reality about money after marriage –Money does matter
After marriage, you feel your earnings are your own.
You are angry that your spouse leeches you off your hard-earned money.
You think twice before spending for your spouse.
You are no longer interested in helping him\her financially.
You fight bitterly about sharing of financial commitments of your family.
3. Expectation about sex before marriage – Our sex life will always be exciting
Before marriage, you have great dreams about your sex life.
In the initial days of your marriage, your sex life excites and thrills you. Both have regular sex.
You satisfy the sexual needs of your spouse with eager willingness.
Reality about sex after marriage –Our sex life is boring and routine
After a few years of marriage, sex becomes a dull routine with you.
Why?
You are famished by your hectic work schedule and sex is far away from your mind.
If at all you have sex, it is very hurried and hasty. Nothing to feel excited about.
4. Expectation about relationship before marriage –I will never fight with my spouse
Before marriage, you do not have any major issues with your spouse.
You do have arguments, but it is very mild and non-controversial.
You apologized when you were in the wrong.
You accepted the apology of your spouse instantly.
There was no bitterness and resentment in your interaction.
Reality about relationship after marriage –We have nothing in common
But after marriage, you fight with your spouse day in and day out.
Whatever he\she does makes you feel irritated and annoyed.
You do not want to adjust to his\her minor faults.
You become accusing and complaining.
You never apologize to your spouse as you feel you are always right.
You are so hostile towards your spouse that you do not talk with him\her for days.
5. Expectations about emotional support before marriage – I will always be supportive
Before marriage, you feel upset when your spouse is upset.
You pacify him\her when he\she is downcast.
You have many consoling words to say.
Your spouse feels he\she has married the best person in the world.
Reality about emotional support after marriage –I just don’t care
After marriage, you are not bothered when your spouse feels low.
You feel he\she makes much ado about nothing.
You have many hurting words to say.
You are never supportive or protective.
CONCLUSION
“After elections and marriage, people rarely get what they want.” Will Rogers
Expectations vs reality in married life is a shocking experience, isn’t it?
Do not have too many expectations about your spouse, as it will never happen. You have to be practical to realize that your spouse will be different. When you forgo your expectations and come to terms with the reality of your marriage, you can easily enjoy it.
Shweta Sharma says
Hi Mathi Maam,
I am a great admirer of your blogs, I have a read a lot of them also.
Wanted to share something about my married life, hope you will provide me suggestions/solutions about it.
I am 30 years old working professional employed in MNC. I got married around a 1 and half year back, via an arranged marriage set up. Though guys family was well settled and everything was as per our requirements, I compromised on the income of my husband and was not established also. He earns at least half of what i get, it didn’t mattered for me then. I thought money doesn’t matter, we will make it work out.
But little did I realised that its just not salary, career determines outlook of the person also. After marriage I got to know that he doesn’t wants to grow only, doesn’t want to work hard, doesn’t have any goals.
There was no way out, so I thought I will make him understand all this in due time.
On the positive side, he is very caring, loving, understanding and completely adorable husband, eventually I fell in love with him.
But the flip side is, he is not mature. He can’t thinks of anything on his own, is totally dependent on his parents. After 3 months of marriage, his parents started using him against him. Though I am not sure what they want out of it, he is only son of his parents !!!!
My in laws being very conservative, wanted me to mold me according to them. So they would feed him with talks against me in morning and evening (he leaves late and returns early from office than me). This lead to sour relationship between me and my husband. I am of the nature who never says back anything to him, I would keep silent and ultimately it was a sour relationship between me and my in laws. I never back fired or said anything to anyone. My in laws are very manipulative people, they notice minor issues about me and tell it to my husband. Basically my mother in law wants to control me. They are of the opinion that i don’t ADJUST according to them.
Now it has come to a point that I really don’t want to spend time with my in laws though I love my husband dearly. They constantly abuse me, humiliate me. I am fed up maam. I don’t feel like even speaking to them. I can’t take it anymore, its taking a toll on my health and career.
I don’t want to take it to my parents,
Suggest what should I do. I really want this relation to florish.
Mathi says
Shweta,
You have got a great advantage on your side. You say your husband is very understanding and caring. You are indeed lucky. The differences in your income does not matter if your love is strong. As for your husband not being ambitious this is a common attitude of many men. They are very mechanical and unthinking about their career. They earn and think they have done their job.I think your husband also feels so.
But he will definitely become more committed to his work as years go by. Your husband is not your worry from what you have written.
It is your in laws. They are feeling emotionally insecure because of you. Since you have more rights than them over your husband it is making them feel insecure. This is the reason they are instigating your husband against you. You should never allow it to happen and keep silent. They have no business to humiliate you.
No one can insult you unless you allow them to. Your in laws have no right to mold you according to their taste. You are an adult and have every right to live according to your wish. Never allow them to take over your life.
Living in a joint family will never work in this modern world. It is always better to live away from your in laws and have a cordial relationship with them, than to live with them and hate every moment of it.
You should talk to your husband about moving away from your in laws. Don’t think it will happen immediately. It might take time but you have to make the first move. When both live separately you will find many positive changes in your married life. You will tolerate your in laws when you do not have to face them daily. You deserve your freedom. Good luck.