Living with a depressive husband is not an easy joke.
He makes your married life miserable and gloomy by his negative attitude. You hope against hope that one day you might see the rays of sunlight into the pitch darkness that shrouds your relationship because of your depressive husband.
Your husband shatters your dream of a happy married life by his melancholic attitude, doesn’t he?
You want your husband to love and care for you. You too want fun. You want him to be a loving parent to your children. You want his emotional support. You want to cuddle up to him in warm glow of love.
These very natural dreams you have as a wife is shattered by your depressive husband. Your married life turns hellish by his miserable behavior.
You are confused about the ways to handle him, aren’t you?
Your marriage can be happy only if your husband has a positive and cheerful attitude towards life. Only then, you feel it easy to handle your family responsibilities and commitments.
You fervently wish that your depressive husband forgoes his miserable attitude and shoulders family duties along with you. But your husband never steps in to help you. Naturally, you are frustrated at his attitude of overlooking his duties to live in his own gloomy world.
How does your depressive husband behave?
- He never sees the positive side of life.
- He never mingles with others.
- He is very fidgety and edgy.
- He does not have a steady mind.
- He has very low self-esteem.
- He never smiles.
- He never interacts with you with liveliness.
- His sexual drive is nil.
- He isolates himself from family problems.
- He broods and broods about everything.
- He never shares his feelings with you.
- He is suicidal prone.
- He is not mentally strong.
Rather a long list of emotionally draining behavior from him, isn’t it?
It is a big challenge to live with your depressive husband who only sees the gloomy side of life. Your married life becomes taxing and exhausting, as you have to burden all family issues without his help.
You are dejected when you cannot enjoy a normal marriage like your friends\relatives. You literally want to shake your husband out of his depression.
If you turn aggressive, he will further shrink himself into a shell of dejection. If you try to bombard him with questions, he will shrivel himself into a miserable world of total non- communication.
You are justified if you yell at your depressive husband to come out of his misery. But you have to be patient if you want your marriage to work.
These could be the reasons for the depressive behavior of your husband.
- When you do not respect him, his ego is shattered.
- His work related problems crush his confidence.
- He might be suffering from inferiority complex.
- He might have had an abusive childhood.
- Financial problems could be making him depressive.
- When you compare him in lesser light with others, your husband loses his confidence.
- When you are more successful than he is, he feels puny before you.
- Addiction to alcohol and drugs can make your husband feel lost.
Now is the time to understand your depressive husband from his angle.
Suppose your husband is a byproduct of abusive childhood. It makes him develop various complexities. Depression is one such complexity. Since his childhood was not normal like other children of his age, he easily feels depressed.
When you are more successful than your husband, you often play the boss of the family. This shatters his male ego. He shrivels in fear of your lashing tongue. He feels very small before your tall stature.
This might be yet another reason for his depression.
His work related stress might be tormenting him. He might be a victim of a bully, or a nasty boss. He does not share his work related stress with you, as he fears your ridicule. Persistent failures might also make him desolate and miserable.
“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May
When your husband is depressed there has to be a reason. He also wants happiness but feels it impossible to experience it.
Now you have great wifely duties before you to pull your depressive husband out of his negativity.
- Do not reject him as unworthy.
- Boost up his sagging ego by making him feel that you value his ability.
- Appreciate his smallest success.
- Give him your unconditional support.
- Show him that he always has your trust and love.
Do not expect your husband to come out his depression overnight. You need tons of patience. Support him as he inches his way out of his depressive mentality. Even a small change is a good sign.
Anonymous says
Am a 31 year old South African married to a Senegalese Muslim with two identities,He claims he was born 1979 while his I’d is 1974,he has a cousin brother that he claims is two years older than him with the id of 1972.we have been together for 11 years now.Got marriage in the third year of our relationship.He is so controlling and dictating to anything I do.he would get angry if I say anything positive about me or my siblings.When I do a thing for them he gets so mad.we have two daughters now. When we got married he claimed he is not married back in his country and I found out he was having a wife and two sons when I was pregnant with our second daughter through his other cousins by mistake,the cousins is alcoholic so he mistakenly told me the secret while drunk.when I confronted him about it he said “You would have agree if I told you,don’t act like you have a problem plus Islam allow it”he reprimanded me and said is what I wanted when I investigated him.I was pregnant and working in his business.I feared going back to my family so I stayed.since then is three year I feel I don’t want this marriage anymore but am unable to leave.After my second daughter was born I learned that he was a having an affair with some lady working for his brother.I still didn’t leave and looked for a job,which I got in an insurance company.He would yell at me and say is not a halal money that am earning yet he wanted to control how I spend it.Most recently I was invited to attend management planning at work that would take four day away from home.when I told him about it he refused and said I can’t go to “holiday,hotels” and said this job is making me a bitch and I can’t go.so I didn’t. It’s been three weeks now and I can’t find it in my heart to speak to him. We stay together but not talking to each other.I feel so drained.three days ago I got injured at netball and had a small crack on the ankle,he claims is a punishment from God for how I conduct myself.Now feel like is time to move and to not consider that our kids ll be broken by this.Am I been selfish towards them.
Mathi says
Don’t let your husband take over your life. You should definitely adjust with your husband but not at the cost of your self respect. Set boundaries for yourself. Your husband has no rights to interfere in it. Your work is very important for your self respect. You should have gone for your training. Never mind. It is not late now. Become confident here afterwards. You would be amazed how your husband is taken aback by your transformation. Yours was an accident, not a punishment. If your husband persists in making your life a hell you can consider moving away from him. Good luck.
Anonymous says
Thanx so much for been there for us.Right now I need the strength to move on with my life,for as long as am not ready to go back and work in his business we will never be fine.He wants me to work for him so he can monitor how I earn and my whereabouts yet we are married out of community of property.So far am still a secret wife that is know by his three brothers and 4 cousins that are in south Africa.back in his country his other family member do not know of me and the kids.At some point he told me his wife will never work (meaning his other wife and has a nanny that cleans for her)yet am expected to do everything by my self and he is a clean free. I pray to God for the strength to start afresh.by running after him I will end up destroying my daughters future as they believe eduction is for boys.He does not approve of the savings am keeping towards thier education.
Hasina says
Very useful tips
Thanks