You feel you are very unlucky to have married a pessimistic and gloomy spouse, don’t you?
Do you know why?
It is because when your spouse is negativity personified, he\she makes your married life shrivel into gloominess and depressiveness by being lackluster and non-communicative with you .
Your gloomy and pessimistic spouse makes you feel miserable by persistently talking about non- existent destructive issues in your relationship.
Your spouse acts as though every incident in your family life is a prelude to a wretched future.
Your spouse always sports a dejected and depressed look.
The thoughts of your spouse are always undesirable and unenthusiastic.
I am sure you feel bored and dejected when you are married to such a pessimistic and gloomy spouse.
Yes.
Living with a pessimistic spouse is a very nerve-wracking experience.
You need compatibility, care, support and encouraging words from your spouse to enjoy a happy married life.
But when your spouse is pessimistic, you fear to interact with him\her because of the negativity he\she projects.
Your spouse literally makes your marriage lifeless, aimless and worthless by being negative and melancholic.
What are the destructive qualities of a pessimistic and gloomy spouse?
- Your spouse acts like the ever suffering martyr.
- He\she plays the accusing game to the hilt.
- Your pessimistic and gloomy spouse always accuses you as the sole reason behind any mishaps in your family life.
- You are unable to discuss family issues with your spouse as he\she is not ready to listen to your viewpoint.
- He\she always sees things from his\her viewpoint.
- Your negative spouse wants you to act according to his\her self-centered wishes.
- He\she makes your interaction oppressive by being cribbing and complaining.
- Your depressive spouse consistently argues and fights with you.
- He\she never sees the positive side of anything.
- Your gloomy spouse always has extreme mood swings.
- He\she makes your life torturous by being selfish and mean.
- There is no humor or fun in your married life.
- Your spouse always cribs about nonexistent relationship issues.
- Your pessimistic spouse threatens of suicide and other dire consequences if you do not listen to him\her.
- He\she sees unhappiness in happiness.
- Your negative spouse sees failures in success.
- He\she sees negativity more than positivity.
- Your spouse is more prone to cribbing about problems than interacting with you in love.
- He\she likes crying better than smiling.
- Your glum spouse has tons of inferiority complex.
- He\she emotionally blackmails you.
Phew!
Your married life is indeed an ordeal when you are married to such a pessimistic and gloomy spouse.
‘The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.’ Tom Bodett
The other day I saw my cousin after a long time. He looked tired and frustrated.
“What happened? You looked completely drained” I asked worryingly
“It is my wife. She keeps on complaining about one thing or the other whenever I am home. She compares our life with others and feels that we are suffering while everyone is having it good” my cousin ran his fingers over his hair in annoyance.
“Why should she feel so? You are earning well and you have a house of your own. You are also financially secure. There is nothing for her to worry,” I was confused why his wife was feeling dejected when she had a secure married life.
“Oh no! She feels she is the only one suffering. She invents problems, imagines calamities and makes my life torturous by pestering me that I do something to make her feel relieved. When I pacify her she yells that I am heartless not to understand her” my cousin choked with anger.
I could understand the frustration of my cousin as I knew that the poor boy’s wife was pessimism personified. She never saw anything good in her life. She also felt that everyone was happy except her.
She was unreasonable, irrational and hysterical for no reason. She never listened to my cousin’s reasoning.
“It is very tough to lead my life with her. There are times when I hate to be at home” he told me. He was such a good man, but his pessimistic wife made his life a living hell.
Yes!
Your pessimistic spouse can literally transfer your marriage into a nightmare. You lose your peace at home. You feel revolted by the persistent negative emotions your gloomy spouse displays.
You are unable to fulfill the greedy needs of your spouse as he\she is not satisfied with anything you do for the family. He\she wants more and more of everything.
The emotional blackmail of your pessimistic spouse makes you feel mentally wrecked. His\her suicidal threats alarms you. The never-ending demands of your gloomy spouse make you feel helpless and hopeless.
Are you overwhelmed by the negativity of your pessimistic and gloomy spouse?
Here are some intelligent ways to handle the emotional outbursts of your pessimistic and gloomy spouse
- Never buckle under the overwhelmingly negative behavior of your spouse.
- When you are persistently pliable to his\her unreasonable demands, your life becomes nightmarish, hellish and traumatic.
- Do not make your spouse force you to do things you do not want to do.
- Move away from your spouse when he\she begins an emotional outburst of nonexistent family issues and problems.
- Tell your spouse firmly that he\she too has responsibilities towards the family.
- Make your spouse understand that he\she can have your love only when he\she is reasonable and caring.
- Give your piece of mind when he\she goes on a tirade of insults to deliberately wound you.
It is really sad that your pessimistic spouse makes it very difficult for you to lead a happy married life.
Do not make the mistake of deviating from your negative spouse as it will make him\her even more depressive and despondent.
Be loving and understanding. Be patient and empathetic. But never kneel down to the negativity of your spouse. Make sure that you too do not go into a helpless depression because of your unhappy marriage.
But it is easier said than done, isn’t it?
jon says
I jave found divorce to usually be the best answer! Then don’t get into another relstionship with a needy crazy!
Mathi says
Jon,
Most of you think divorce is the best answer to the problems you face in your married life. Sadly it is not. Married life without problems does not exist anywhere. It is true living with a pessimistic spouse can be terribly taxing.. But coming to a rash conclusion to end your marriage is also wrong. You should always give your marriage a chance to survive. But it takes incredible patience from you.No marriage is perfect. It is the couples who have to sort out their misunderstandings to find the ever eluding happiness.
J says
Mathi is right. You can be with a person, but not of a person.
Mathi says
J
When your spouse is pessimistic and gloomy it makes your marriage very tiresome. You can encourage your husband to be confident. It is he who has to change. You cannot live his life.He has to You cannot work for his success. He has to.
Cody says
I have a Pessimistic wife whom I met as a different person long time ago during our 10th grade year in High School known as a sweetheart with lots of positive thoughts, good motivations, and just mentally healthy…. Now days she’s just very pure gloomy and sensitive to turn everything downside like there’s no future in us. She been like that for almost 8 years now and I been a bigg survivor of it and researching a lot about it. Its something somebody cannot really help manage it really. I’ve had many crying moments and realized that theres god whom believes in who I really am and to careless of others’ thoughts. Yep its very sad and I’ve seen few of those worst active pessimistic relationship with one pessimistic and a optimism just alike my relationship in a very tough case as daily for years. I tell you its horrible but I thank lord for the strongest heart for her theres rare of those in men. Lot of them will just cheat with someone else who inspires everything about him and probably end up being with her instead of the pessimistic person. Again… Its tough as HECK and to those who continuely been suffering those kind of person should be blessed for havin such a heart! Just most importantly don’t believe anything your pessimistic spouse says about you in the worse case even un-truthful aspects of you. and having her own view of what happened in your case without your side of story being considered in her own thoughts but you being all completely accused on don’t let it affect your feelings. Remember god is aside you and he will take care of things as time comes. ….
Mathi says
Cody,
My heart goes to you. Usually in marriage relationship the contribution of a wife is appreciated and recognized. But often a husband is almost always ignored for his contribution towards the family. You are indeed very different suffering silently and living a hellish life with a pessimistic wife. Why did your wife turn gloomy after marriage. Have you talked it with her? There must be some reason for her pessimism. If she does not talk then you will never know why she is so. Divert your mind from her to things that give you happiness. Never let her negative attitude make you negative also. Your life will be more hellish. Can you take her to a therapist who could make her understand that she was doing great injustice to her family? Be brave. Things will change for the better. Your trust in God will see you through your difficult days. Good luck!
Julie says
So I have been with my husband for 11 years now and when we met and years following I was such a positive person. But over the last few years I’ve noticed I’m now a pessimis. We have two girls 2 and 4 and I’ve found the parenting issues like how we raise them and discipline them is causing major issues. I’m seem to have all the symptoms of a pessimis and now my husband wants me to leave. I refuse to leave and give up on our marriage and family. How do I get out of this negative place? How can you learn to just be happy with life? Please help.
Mathi says
Julie.
Don’t feel pessimistic as it can ruin your married life. You say you were positive once. What happened in between that you feel pessimistic? Parenting is a daunting commitment but a very lovable one. Do you worry too much about future of your children?
Your husband should support you in your times of need. He cannot ask you to leave just because you are going through a low period of your life. Happiness in life is a mindset. It can be practiced by everyone. Love your parental duties. Your children can give you immense happiness. Do not brood about anything. Life is too short for that. I think your depression starts from your relationship with your husband.
Talk to him frankly about your problems. Do not be moody. Be well groomed. Keep smiling till it becomes a habit with you. There is no problem free life for anyone.
Chris says
Hi Mathi,
I am young, 26 with my whole life ahead of me. I met my wife in highschool where i was a different person, i think we got along well because of our hatred towards people. I have always had ambitions in life but she did not… she had a very bad childhood and I thought i would help her see the best in the world.
Fast forward to now after 3 years of marriage and I am tired. She is very pessemistic, moody and yells alot… at our dogs at her siblings and me. I have been seeing a counselor for a bit and brought her to a couple sessions and she never got into it. She refuses to see another councelor and I need a wife who can help clean the house, support and encourage me and spend TIME with me.
My councelor said I will come to my own conclusion when I am ready. My parents are dead set against divorce. My question is that dont you think that it sometimes can be the answer? Ive tried counseling for myself and for her, i try to comunicate. Somethings you cant fix. My mom said it must have been Gods purpose to be here for her but what about my needs? I want a happy, supportive family. Cant divorce sometimes be the answer?
Mathi says
When your wife is pessimistic you really find it very difficult to manage her. It is no use taking her for counseling as the change should come from her. Her bad childhood is one of the top reasons for her depressive attitude.
Your expectations about your wife is very normal. Your married life would be happy only when you co-exist in harmony. Does your wife always behave like this. Or is it occasional outbursts?
You say you communicate with her. Are you friendly and reasonable or do you demand an answer for her behavior? Never be accusing. Talk to her about her problems.
Divorce is not an answer. Be very patient and understanding to pull her out of her depression. Find out the reason. There lies your solution.
Efon says
Mathi,
I’ve 2 kids, 5 and 7. married 7 years. Only 34 years old. Wife is consistently pessimistic, so much so that I see it in my kids now too. Whenever something happens, it’s always my fault without any proof. “How did the dog get out? It must be you!” No one in my family likes her attitude this way. Now, I’m not the kind of guy that usually creates a pessimist. I do a lot of housework, play with/take care of kids, make a good living, and take care of the family recreationally too. (I think of activities every weekend for the family and sometimes for herself to go relax) I’d take the kids out while she goes shopping/massage/sleep. I compliment her a lot, praise her for her job well done at work, and I listen to her constant rants about how much people suck.
But despite all this, she still thinks I’m the worst person in the world and I make her life miserable. I’m guessing it may be that we work together and I’m more “experienced” in the job and thus people respect me more. This may make her feel insecure/inferior about herself. And thus the downward spiral towards hating everything in life. I’ve tried talking to her about her not working, (we don’t need the extra money), but am also afraid doing nothing would let the pessimist mind run rampant.
Today, Every discussion turns into an argument of who’s right and who’s wrong. But because I don’t want to affect my kids, I choose to stay silent most of the time hoping she would stop. But it seems the damage has been done. Kids are very introverted now.
She threatens divorce almost everyday. I’ve no problem with it, except I don’t want the kids to have single parents. I’ve read so much about how complete families has higher chance of bringing up better kids.
So my hands are tied. Don’t know what to do. But my life is a living hell with her now. Maybe divorce IS the solution here?
Mathi says
Efon,
It is sad your wife is prone to be a pessimist. You must be finding your married life boring. You seem to be a very good husband. Despite it I find it strange that your wife should behave in such a negative way. Do not go into detailed discussion with her as she will turn it into arguments. Your wife has every right to work. So don’t suggest her leaving her job. As you said it will make her more depressive.
Usually a woman likes it when her husband is more successful than her. So I don’t think that could be the reason for her unreasonable behavior. Does she have any health related problem? Rule that out first. Woman tends to have mood swings due to hormonal problems. Check it out.
When you argue in front of kids they hate it and stop interacting with their parents. So you should avoid it. Divorce is not an option for this. Your kids will develop various complex characteristics which could affect their future. You need immense patience to pull your wife out of her pessimism. Good luck.
POS says
This is my life!!! I’m to the point now with her relationship with our live in do nothing, pay nothing, no help 23 year old son. I feel suicide may be my only answer at this point. I’m so alone and tired of being my families scapegoat.