Dianne,
It is sad that you are facing such a situation.
You say that your college mate treats you like a queen.
I am sorry to say that everything will change after you marry him.
He has lived with his wife for 30 years. That is quite a long time. He is prepared to leave her for you.
This he could have done before marrying her.
No one can be manipulated. Unless your boyfriend willingly allowed himself to be manipulated.
Now he wants to link himself with you.
To me, it does not sound advisable to continue in this relationship. You will be left tremendously hurt, as things you expect will not happen if you marry him. Men change after marriage. And the changes are not something you will like.
By now, you must be knowing what life really is.
Your boyfriend will treat you like a queen only before marriage. And not after marrying you.
This is my advice. But your life is your own. Only you can decide about it.

Hi Thomas,
I can understand your problem. Being presentable does not increase love, but it increases the volume of attraction between you.
And your relationship needs love as well as attraction.
As you say, the role has been reversed in your life.
It is usually men who are shabby and unkepmt at home.
In your life, it seems to be your wife.
Why is your wife disinterested in making herself presentable?
Seeing a therapist will in no way help you, unless both overcome your own relationship pitfalls.
Have you appreciated your wife when she looks good?
Women like to be appreciated.
I am sure your wife too will not be different.
Do you know the common mistake most men make?
They are not appreciative. They are not emotionally supportive. They do not display their love frankly and openly.
When you do not practice any of these most needed qualities a wife expects in her husband, it is natural she just lets her appearance go.
Communicate your love openly to your wife.
Appreciate her appearance when she is looking good.
Help her in her household chores.
Take her for shopping and buy her good dresses.
Do not make your wife feel that you think her to be dowdy and dull. It will only aggravate the situation.
You say that you have been married for 15 years.
Was your wife disinterested in her looks in the initial years of your marriage also?
You will need tons of patience before you make your wife understand how much you want her to look good.
What I am apprehensive is about the harmonal imbalance of your wife. It might be the reason behind her flare ups.
You should understand that also.
Women can be loving and caring. But they can be very adamant also. I think all you can do is be patient and hope your wife will change.

We are seeing a counsellor several times recently, have been married over 15 years. I feel there is some sort of ‘wall’ or darkness that is fighting us. I recently said some critical words out of frustration, loneliness, discouragement, etc. I am a man, and it hurt my wife.

Much of it revolves around a pursuit of comfort vs. quality. I am by nature a precision person, like to have things clean, organized, done well, such as cleaning up the kitchen every night so it is clean for the next day.

My wife says I am too rigid and critical, our home does not have to be like the parade of homes, her laundry on the floor is so she can wear that later, and seemingly endless excuses for picking up after herself. Perhaps our ‘roles’ are reversed in this manner. To me, routine maintenance is better than large cleanups.

One large problem, a very large problem, is appearance. I know, I know, appearance should not be the most important thing in marriage; however, it IS still important. I can’t lie anymore to say it doesn’t matter.

Every day I get up, shower and get clean, dressed, ready for the day, whether I am going to work or not. If I’m doing a home project I may put on old clothes since they’ll get dirty.

We have a child in elementary school, good natured, easygoing, good kid.

My wife chooses her typical clothes as a T-shirt that is a full size too big, no bra, men’s underwear or boxer shorts, long compression socks, and crocs shoes. She looks about as ‘unfeminine’ as possible. When I have mentioned it, she lashes out in anger that “I should be able to wear whatever I want in my home….” etc.

She also dresses like this when she leaves the house and I am embarrassed to be seen with her. I mentioned that at a counsellor appointment and she got very angry and cried. When we go out to eat or church, she looks significantly better – it is night and day. But the other days really wear me down.

Well, I see this as a problem because she dresses like that 7 days a week. For several years. It is hard to spend time with her. She does work one day per week. When she goes to church or work, or an appointment, she looks far nicer than the ‘typical day.’

Seeing my wife do everything possible to be unattractive every day has made me feel discouraged, unloved, depressed?, and angry. The times I carefully have tried to bring it up I am attacked vehemently.
She tells me I should just love her as she is, God loves her, she is fine with how she looks. She did not dress or act like this when we dated or married. To me it looks like she doesn’t care and she’s given up.

At the counsellor appointment I said that, and she got fired up and attacked me, saying she just wants to be comfortable every day. Also she has been suffering with Estrogen dominance/hormones disruption for several years. I get that, I try to be understanding, but to dress way down every single day is crushing for a man, and even more to not care about it.

I want us to be good. When you are in marriage, I believe each of us should take good care of ourself, because that shows love to our spouse. I have been praying for breakthroughs and healing.

I have not spent as much time with her as she wants with talking, date nights, walks, etc., but it is HARD to do that when she doesn’t care about her appearance. When I mentioned it, she told me, “I am not going to dress up like Barbie every day!” But I said I just wanted her to pursue good, it didn’t have to be 10/10 perfect.

I appreciate all prayers and insights. Is this “normal” for a woman to dress down so much every day?” She repeatedly says she is not depressed, that she is fine with how she looks, but man, it sure looks like bad if I was to do that. Thank you.

It is amazing how much women do not understand men. A woman who does all of these things will motivate a man to do more to EARN and be worthy of what she is giving him. What you all are talking about is a room mate, a coworker and a sister.. When your husband starts seeing you as either of those three things your marriage is OVER!

With all the negative comments, women who don’t understand where you’re coming from – I just want to commend you for writing such content. I am young, been married for 5 years, not an older women going by the “old way of doing things” And i’m here to say being this type of woman is not “FORGETTING yourself and living to make his life comfortable” It’s actually where dignity and confidence is found 🙂 I treat my man like a king and he treats me like a king. I lived for several years with an old boyfriend with the thoughts of “this is 50/50 – he needs to do more, I matter too, what about ME ME ME” You know where that left me? Alone and lonely. When I married my husband, I vowed to him and God to respect him and live to be his helpmeet. And I did just that. These top 10 qualities describe me now.

And guess what ladies… I am totally fulfilled. I have the largest sense of “self” I’ve ever had. I’m HAPPY, joyful, friendly. I pick my battles and am not controlling. And in return my husband gives me spa days, freedom with our finances because he trusts me. Asks my opinion before he does things. feels safe with me emotionally to tell me his struggles, Takes me into consideration always. He doesn’t distance himself because of all the emotional turmoil of being a What About Me & My Feelings?! Type of woman..

I would encourage you to heed her words <3 and wish you the best!

Thanks, again Mathi!