You are mentally upset when your husband is dominating and controlling you, isn’t it?
It indicates how much of a man’s world married life still is.
You might enjoy great financial independence your yester sisters did not enjoy. You might have also become more assertive and confident.
These are qualties not enjoyed by women many years ago.
But there is one thing that has not changed in some families.
It is male dominance. There are some marriages where husband is dominating and controlling. It is because basically a man likes to dominate his wife as he is very egoistic.
When a husband is dominating and controlling it just shows that some men still live in the stone age mindset, where a woman was thought to be fit only to bear children, cook and look after the family.
Not all men are dominating and controlling. Modern men now know that their wives will never bow to their dictating orders.
Freedom to be yourself is the crux of a good married life. Even though you love your husband, you are an individual with your own way of looking at life and doing things in a different way from his.
What does independence in married life really mean?
- You should be yourself.
- You should not feel apprehensive to share your feelings with your husband.
- You must have a say in family matters.
- Your husband should respect your individuality.
- He should not force you to change according to his way of thinking.
- He should allow you the freedom to have your own space.
- Your husband should not take control over your money and he should allow you the liberty of having your own personal money.
- He should not check your whereabouts.
- He should trust your talent and capacity.
- He should feel proud of your success.
It is sad if you do not enjoy these sort of freedom in your relationship when your husband is dominating and controlling.
When your liberty is crushed by your arbitrary husband, it makes you feel jailed in your married life.
It is a hardcore truth that male dominance still exists in marriages. You too might be controlled and dominated by your husband without you realizing it.
A dominating husband is egoistic and self-centered. He wants you under his control. He feels irritated when you take you own decisions and do things your own way.
Your husband might be loving and caring. But he can be controlling and dominating your life unknown to you.
What are the hidden signs which shows that your husband controls you?
- You must ask his permission before doing anything.
- Your dominating husband makes consistent negative comments about you.
- He controls the way you should spend your money.
- Your controlling husband makes you dress the way he likes.
- He feels that he is the master when he abuses you before others.
- Your husband does not discuss what he is going to do with the mutual money both earn.
- When your husband is dominating and controlling he is sarcastic and censuring you all the time.
- You cannot go alone anywhere.
Rather nerve wracking to handle such a dictator husband, isn’t it?
“No man is good enough to govern any woman without her consent.”- Susan B. Antony
Though you do not like it a wee bit, there are times you just give in to the domination of your husband.
It is because you do not want to ruin your family life. You tolerate him for the sake of your children. You want your marriage to survive.
You hope against hope that your husband would change for the better and understand your wish to have some independence.
Top 5 signs your husband is dominating and controlling
1.Arbitrary financial decisions
Does your husband discuss with you the financial decisions he has taken?
Does he listen to your suggestions?
Do you mutually decide about the family’s financial allotment?
Is your answer yes to these questions?
This is a top sign that your husband gives you equal rights in family matters. He values your opinion. He indeed gives you independence.
Lucky that you are not married to a controlling and dominating husband, isn’t it?
When you earn as good as your husband, you should have a definite say in the way your money is spent.
Your husband cannot make decisions for you.
If he does so, it creates lots of misunderstanding between you. If your husband is an expert in dealing with money he can guide you in a friendly manner how your hard earned money should be spent
Does your husband make you ask his permission before spending money on something you crave for?
Do you have to hide your purchase for the fear of his tongue lashing?
Does your husband control your hard earned money?
Do you feel deprived of personal money?
This is a clear sign that your husband is dominating and controlling financially.
2. Degrading comments
Does your husband make degrading comments about your appearance?
Does he command you to do certain things at a specified time?
Do you have to hurry about obeying his orders when he is at home?
Do you feel stifled and shackled by his commanding nature?
Your married life feels imprisoned, doesn’t it?
Your husband has the right to tease you, but he cannot degrade you.
Can he take it if you pass negative comments on his appearance?
Can you make decisions about what he should do with his life?
I am sure your husband will revolt. He should understand that you are an individual and so has every right to do certain things your way. He has no business to interfere into it.
3.Demanding instant obedience
Do you have to act according to the orders of your husband?
Do you fearfully obey his orders to the dot?
This is not the way to lead your married life. Such forced submissiveness will make you feel the intense pressure of being a subordinate to him.
You feel suppressed and oppressed in your relationship.
Why should you implicitly obey your husband?
He is not your boss, is he?
He is your life partner. What you share with him should be friendship and companionship and not dictatorship.
4. Controlling all phases of your life
Can you not go anywhere without his permission?
- You might want to go out with your friends.
- You might want to go shopping with your parents.
- You might want to spend money to buy something for people close to your heart.
- You might want to help your parents.
When your husband intrudes into your personal zone you feel angry and resentful. The first thing he should understand is that marriage does not take away your right to be an individual in any way.
Does your husband feel that you should do all the household chores as it is a the duty of woman?
Does your husband feel that helping you in household chores in not manly?
Does he laze around while you struggle with household work and children?
Does your husband yell at you when the food is not ready on time?
Does he shout at you before others?
If he never realizes how shameful you feel at the insult he has inflicted on you, it is a clear sign that your husband is very dominating and commanding.
5. He is sexually demanding
Your husband wants sex when he is in the mood. He does not care whether you are ready for it.
You might be tired and exhausted. But your husband does not care. When he is in the romantic mood he must have the physical pleasure you give him.
To him sex is a physical thing, nothing else. He does not know it takes two to make sex a relaxing and pleasurable experience.
He does not understand that he should show his love for you through his physical gestures.
To him sex is an animal need and he turns over to sleep after satisfying himself. No smile. No hug. Nothing.
You feel used and invaded. Your tender emotions are shattered by his unthinking selfish attitude.
Conclusion
Married life becomes boring when your husband is dominating and controlling. He cannot be your master.
Love, respect and care makes your relationship worthy and happy. Domination has no place in it. It is mutual consent and mutual love that does the trick of bringing you close to each other.
I have started a Youtube channel “Marriage Realities”
It is a comprehensive relationship channel which deals with many of the issues married couples face.
Subscribe to my channel to understand your marriage in a new light.
Here is the link to “Marriage Realities”
indu says
My husband is a short tempered man. He immediately starts yelling at me and always abuse my own parents and family members. He always says that his parents are not my parents I should leave his house and his family. Sometimes he hits me. He turns a small conversation into a big and abuse me and my family even though my parents love him a lot. We had love marriage plus nicely arranged from both the sides. Its just 1 and a 1/2 yr of our marriage. But he has torchered me a lot. He says that he don’t want to spend his life with me he wants to divorce. But I don’t want this to happen because if I’ll leave his house or decide to divorce him then my parents will die. Please help me wht should I do?
Mathi says
Living with a short tempered husband is indeed a hard task. Has your husband become temperamental suddenly? Do you yell back at him? This can make the family atmosphere very tense. Are you in a joint family? Sometimes the family situation too can make him angry. Are his parents turning him against you? By now you would know what type of a man your husband really is. If you want your marriage to survive you should be patient. But you should not take his insults without knowing what wrong you had done. Analyze how you interact with him. Are there things you do which he does not like. Unless you talk with him you cannot know the true reasons behind his rude behavior. If there are mistakes in your side, rectify it. Most marriages have these early troubles. The simple trick is to be loving and caring. He will definitely change for the better. Good luck!
indu says
No he is short tempered from beginning. He often yell for silly matter which anyone can handle normally by talking softly, but he don’t. He is a patience less person. He have the habbit of digging up the nonsense topics and adding it up to the present topic, which makes no sense. And topic has to have about my parents and my family… for no reason he starts abusing my father, mother brother sister entire family. He just think his family is perfect but I don’t say anything abt his parents bcoz they support me. My mother in law is very nice. My husbands small brother mother father they all say that he is short tempered bcoz when he bcom angry he don’t see who is sitting in front of him or what words he shouldn’t take out from his mouth, he just yell. Be it be anyone. Earlier I never use to reply anything just to avoid fights but when he starts dragging my family for no reason then I can’t stop myself I try to stop him but thn he make situation worse…
It’s really irritating and unacceptable. Many times he himself have seen that my parents loves him a lot. But its not enough for him. And when I reply him then I become the worst person in his life and he repeats the same thing that get out from my house…. go to ur parents house and I’ll send you divorce letter..
Mathi says
Indu,
Do not attach too much of importance to what he says about your parents. It is the usual man thing. He knows you will be provoked if he talks ill of your parents. This is his way of making you angry. He really does not want to insult your parents. He is venting his anger on you. If he is always like this, there has to be a reason. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, you should talk with him and not argue with him. Very difficult thing to do!. But you cannot have tit for tat in marriage relationship. Temperamental men are always immature and has many complexities in them. I think your husband too suffers from some complex. Or is he facing work related problems?
indu says
No my husband is not a mama’s boy, though he love a lot and care for his mother, which most of the child does.
After our last fight we r staying in the same house but in separate rooms, as he said to leave his house and go away but his mother stopped me. Now I hv taken all my necessary stuff and staying in another room. I don’t know till how long we’ll not talk to each other. He said very bad words about me and my parents so m not going to talk to him.
Mathi says
Indu,
How old are you? If you are very young it is only natural you feel hurt by the harsh words spoken by your husband. If you move to another room you are bringing the whole misunderstanding you have with your husband to the full view of others. This will make him more angry. Angry outburst always is destructive. Will he listen to his mother? Can she talk to him. Do not involve your parents in this. Every marriage takes time, sometimes years to settle down. As I said before you have to wait patiently.
Honey says
I hate husband and wife relationship cos my husband is too bossy and controller .
Anonymous please says
I really need advice… I love my husband but lately I am liking him less and less.
1. He demands I drop anything and everyone to do what he wants as soon as he asks. I did not accomplish going through and sorting some papers on the day he asked. This was a case where he asked me at 10:30 and comes home at 5:00. We homeschool and have a very large family. I was busy with the kids and their school at the moment he asked. I saw no reason that it could not have been done later that evening or even the next morning. But he told me he wanted a divorce because it wasn’t done by the time he got home!
2. I can no longer see my friends or family without having hell to pay. I get drilled when I get home and accused of meeting men. I’m very boring and I don’t even drink. Usually going out involves eating out, maybe a movie (pg13 or under because I don’t categorize rated R.) and maybe sonic for a drink or ice cream. He on the other hand has cheated 3 times in the 7 years we have been married. I have been crushed every time it happens but I stay because I still love him. I have wanted to start going to church! He threatened to divorce me because if he doesn’t go then he will look like a jerk (not the word he used). So now I’m really upset. I never leave the house! I absolutely love my kids so I feel guilty saying this but sometimes I just want a break from my job!
3. House work and kids are solely my responsibility. He works outside the home and expects me to do ALL the house work. He reminds me constantly how he works so hard to make it possible for me to be a stay at home mom, I should be grateful and do anything he asks the very second he asks.
4. I’m absolutely drained. I’m so tired all the time but I get 8 or something like that hours of sleep. I don’t understand why I feel so exhausted though.
5. I had a miscarriage, found out I am diabetic and my grandma passed away all last year. I have received absolutely no emotion support at all. I cry still what feels like at the drop of a hat. I try to talk to him about it. This last time I attempted to tell how sad I am he told me, “It has been long enough I need to stop clinging to this and get over it.” He also told me he thinks I need to go see a shrink because I am crazy. This just makes me cry more. Which makes him angry at me.
4 (I think, this box won’t let me scroll up). He at other times tells me if either of us need council it’s time for a divorce. I’ve thought about sneaking to a mental health provider but I’m afraid of mail coming or someone seeing me and telling him.
5. Job… I have 6 children. I don’t know how I can work and take care of them by myself! I don’t want the kids to suffer my lack of attention if we divorce and I am forced to go back to work full time. I want to be able to stay home with my kids and take care of them.
6. Former relationship. I was married before and abused. I’m not hit now. But if I have a second divorce I feel like I am needing to see a big red letter A on my clothes! I feel like such a failure for being in this situation now. I try so hard to make him happy but it’s never enough.
7. Constantly critical. I’ve gained weight since being married. I am 5’4″ and 170 lbs. I feel huge. I went for a walk with one of the kids the other day and I am in trouble for that. I should have been doing something more constructive with my time! Or so he says. I feel like a caged animal. I just wanted to walk. It was only 1/2 a mile total and didn’t take very long. But I told him I won’t do it again. That seemed to appease him.
I don’t know what to do. I hope you can help because I feel like I am going out of my mind trying to think about this by myself.
Mathi says
You are being very meek and submissive to your dominating husband. When you have 6 kids you can literally feel drained. But I feel you are doing a great mistake in crying. When you cry your husband knows you are emotionally weak and so feels he can make you dance to his tunes. A home maker’s work is not in any way less to that of a working woman. At least the working woman is paid whereas a home maker is an unpaid maid at home. Be very assertive with your husband. If you want to go out with your friends, you should go. If you shut yourself at home the oppressive atmosphere can make you very depressed. When you go out you meet lots of people and this can make you feel relieved. If your husband wrongly thinks you are seeing other men, then something is very wrong with his mentality.
Kindly take care of your appearance. You are overweight and you should lose it. Don’t bother with what your husband says when you know you are doing nothing wrong. He cannot vent his frustrations on you and you should not allow him to do it. When you meekly follow his orders he feels he is lord of the family. You need not be a nagging wife. It is very bad. You should not be a weepy wife also. Be very self confident as you are doing a great job in looking after your home and your 6 kids. Show your husband that you cannot be played around with.
anamika says
Nice blog
Mathi says
Anamika,
Thank you for your comments.
Kwezi says
me and him are the same age 25, have a 3 year old boy, angaged have been staying together for 5 since school and post school, started work before him.
Finacially: it was only 8 months where he did not have a job after shcool so i was the only one working, what would happen was that each time i got paid and doing house chores he would be the one holding my bank card (stupid enough i thought i was protecting his image and his self esteem so that he would not feel ashamed when people see me paying bills and everything) so he kept the card did the chores resturant bills when we are out, eventually he got a job a good one, he started keeping both cards and controlling the finances i felt the need to talk to him to let me have my card now that he is working and have his money we can split the bills and fees around the house but he started fighting tellinf me that he is the man he is the head and therefore he will make financial decisions, Note** we ended up including both our salaries toegther doing things from one account, but that elevated and i was not at peace with it because i could not enjoy my money while when hes away he’d buy anythin he feels like and know that i will understand that there was a need for him to buy whatever he buys but if that was me he would start to black mail me telling me that im over spending (where’s im a less spender and he knows that between us)……
eventually he started giving me stipends for taxi fare to work (felt like a primary school kid), i fought about that yet he would start to blackmail me tell me that im not being submissive i dont give him his place, i dont respect him, im not behaving like a wife, yet he spends the money anyhow just as long as he gives me an explaination he is justified and i will have to understand yet he would not understand if that wa the case with me. if we go for shopping, he would be the one who knows what i need in that particular month or season, if i tell him what i feel i need and short of he starts blackmailing me and tells me i will survive without those, if i dont want to buy what he suggests then i might as well forget im going to get anything! then i end up taking what hes seen for me in the clothing shop.
hed go out with friends leave me with the baby, make excuses that we cant go out together at night coz of the baby, even when i have found someone to baby sit for the nigh he would find an excuse to refuse to have the baby staying with someone else, and goes till the early hours of the nights with friends, eventually he told me that i chose to be a mom im his wife im supposed to stay at home and look after the baby, im not single anymore im a mom and a wife i should behave like one, i can not be galavanting with friends all over whilst im a mom, in this way ive ended up lossing everyone around me even my friends have stopped trying be because it is always a drama each time one of then tried to have me going out he just fights,
a few mnths ago i sent our son away to my mom for two weeks just so that i could have a break (from work, to day care straight home) tiring and prisoning! he fought with me he asked me to bring back his son he cant survive without him, and thats because he had a problem with the fact that i had spare time after work, to go window shopping and seeing friends, he told me to be at home at the same time 5:30 whether our son is here or not! i cant be behaving like a whore in his house (mind you we both pay the rent), I knew he was doing thi to tie me down using the baby and keeping me in the house. it became stressful, each time i bring it up it will become a big fight, ends up telling me if i argue with him that means hes no longer a man i am the man, he will just kick me out of the house, when i try and pack he fights even more ends up telling me he did not mean it he gets angry when he sees that im getting out of his control he never wants a second away from me thats why he always comes straight home from work everyday just to be with his family, why do i take serious everything he says. then fooley me i stay!
recently i have been very uptight, disconnected and irritated by everything that is going on, especially because in puplic he potrays a picture that hes the most loving and committed man to us and makes me look like an ungrateful girlfriend, and i end up feeling bad about standing up for myslef each time he manipulates and controls me, and feel like maybe i should just let it be and its what’s supposed to be so that we will be family, but deep down it has killed me , ive lost myself, my personality, im bitter and he doesnt seem to change, recently i decided that its enough i wanted to go watch a movie with my friend or even alone as long as im out f the house traumer and misery, because he was also going to a friends function or whatsoever, he said to me im not going anywher i must stay with the baby if i want to have some fresh air “why dont i open a window and sit by it and have some fresh air” i burst into tears, he told me to watch movies on the tv, and he left to see his friends he came back at night, and said sorry he ddnt do it on purpose just that whe hes friends are here he cant say no to them, he ddnt plan to go they just came and grabbed him so he had to leave us alone,i did not respond. the following morning i left early and went to watch a movie and hung around with a friend of mine we went to the mall, i came back that later in the afternoon around 5pm, he had been sitting with the baby and i told him i did not care he will sit and watch him or send him somewhere else but im leaving and im going out. when i came back he kept asking endless questions where was i, who was i with, what did we do the whole day. the following day he tried to track if i was telling the truth about going with a friend he started accusing me that im lying i wasnt with a friend and he can sense it when im not telling the truth (ive never lied or cheated on this person!) i was very angry and hurt and i decided to give him the friends contacts so he would confrim with her taht i really was with her, but no he said hes not going to call her, i must just tell her the truth about where i was, what if i have just bribed her, so he ddnt call her, and i told her that he’s being selfish and taking advantage f the fact that ive sacrificed my youth and stayed with him looked after the baby whilst he galavants, just one lame day i decide to go out he fights with me and threatens to break up with me , that he cant stand being lied to especially by me, he called me all sorts of names, i was soabing and hurting i could not even defend myself, and i was waiting to have enough money to move out he told me i must know if im planning to move out hes not going to bow to me, coz i was wrong i think i can just rock up and go out and leave him with the baby the whole day. if i leave its fine hes not going to apologize for accusing me , there is a lot of *bitches* he can move in with he wont tolerate my attitude(yet im the one who tolerate all his nonsense) i was hurt by that, hes using all of that to make me fear leaving for the fact that once he mentions another woman i will fear leaving the house. i kept quiet i was in tears he told me to stop being cryee baby, it was just a misunderstanding, but he is not going to break his head for it, he said he did not mean all the things he said he wanted me to hate leaving and he knew if he says those i wont leave and i wont be angry, he hated to see me leaving him to be with a friend the whole day he cant survive without me even for a couple of hours when he is around (yet he goes for the whole night with friends and leave me when he knows excatly that i wish for the same, i wish i would go out ad have fun with him too!)
sorry for such a thiesis, im so stressed i dont have the courage, ive searched around for places when i can just stay with my son, but the fear is that i dont know if im going to survive tis new phase and obviously all the threats hes used they keep coming back that he will really do them to hurt me on purpose. im confused whether im not being a good wife as he wishes, but this is a burden, ive given him too much power and he has always won. i feel subotagged and angry. please advise if im wrng for feeling this what do i need to do???
Mathi says
Kwezi,
Your husband is taking advantage of you and you are allowing him to do so. Why are you allowing him to control your money? Your money should be in your control. If you cry before him he will feel he has control over you. So do not cry. This is the time you should be confident. Tell him that you will take care of your money yourself. Tell him firmly that he cannot while away his time with his friends when you slog at home. You should not fight with him as it gives him an excuse to fight back. Be assertive and confident. Tell him you too need your personal time. Don’t fear if he threatens to walk away. He won’t. He is blackmailing you into submission. You have walked right into his trap. Come out of your self pity and act firmly.
thetruth01 says
Hello Mathi,
I wanted your advice because I am dating a dominating and controlling man. In the beginning I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to be with him and I continued to act like I was single meeting men and going to clubs. One of his friends told him and he moved in with a new woman he met. I didn’t find out until two or three month later. He was blocking my number and not answering my texts and calls. And around that time he confessed he moved in with someone and that we could work it out. I wanted to be with him so I told him ok, but we can work things out once he finished with her. He told me about two months later he finished with her and this is when he started traveling for work and would be gone weeks at a time. So we continued our relationship like nothing happened because I thought he really finished with her. Well when he came back into to town he spent his first day back with me then the next day he blocked my number and wasn’t answering my calls and texts again. After a few days I realized he must be back with her. She would give him money, buy him clothes and cook and clean for him. He also is trying to build a house so he says while he’s back from work he doesn’t want to pay for a motel or get an apartment. Because he spends all his money to build this house. I felt cheated and hurt and I couldn’t think of anything else, but tit for tat. He wants someone to take care of him well so do I. I want the best of both worlds too. And I am doing it too, to get back at him because he hurt me so much. He at one point kept talking about having a baby, but I told him we need a place to live, I need a car and money and he told me he never said anything about a baby. I want to be married most importantly and he says he will marry me,but in the future because he’s not ready. Am I wasting my time because I can’t tell I feel addicted to him and I have withdrawals every time I try to leave him.
Mathi says
You are making a mess of your life. How can you trust a man who moves in with another woman when he in love with you? Never trust him. Do not take your relationship lightly. If you marry him you will be time and again hurt by his fickle behavior. True love means loyalty and trust. When this is missing there is no hope for your relationship. Move away from him before he hurts you deeply.
thetruth01 says
Reading your reply made me cry and I began to cry even more thinking about all the hurt he has put me through. I opened my heart to him and to close it again seems impossible. I told him he has hurt me so much and will continue to hurt me so we need to separate to give me time to heal. All he told me was to stop saying that. I told him we’re no longer together and I can’t see him anymore, but I want to keep talking to him because I can’t let go completely at least not right now. He told me there’s nothing we need to talk about. I asked for friendship so I can at least talk to him from time to time to see how he’s doing, but he wouldn’t give me that. I cried again because I know leaving him is so difficult and I want to stay strong and get my life back together. Nobody has ever had a hold on me like this I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping that crying will help me to get through it.
jemy says
I’m 22 and I am just 5 months old in my married life. It was an arranged marriage. My husband keeps dominating me , he threw me off to my bed today. I don’t know wat to do. My parents are worried abt this. I listen to watever he says as he is elder to me. Whenever I say something it ends up in an argument and now I’m fed up. I know its too early to give up but I have sacrificed everything for him.. My job .my way of dressing, my behaviour, my smile, my right to do things, my sleep , my friends.. All I do is work all day and cry all night .. He doesn’t even want to speak to me anymore…im basically very sensitive and kind I don’t know why this happened to me. Tell me wat should I do.
Mathi says
Jemy,
You are doing it all wrong. Why did you sacrifice your job for your husband? You are an individual and you have all the rights to live your life as you like. You should love and respect your husband but never be slavish to him. If you cry it gives him the sadistic pleasure that he has control over you. Never lose your self respect.
It is not too late. Be very confident. Be firm in showing your husband that you cannot be taken for granted. Marriage is all about mutual respect. It can never be one sided. This does not mean you should fight with your husband. If you nag him he will feel justified about his behavior. So be reasonable and assertive. Good luck.
Jean says
First of all, we must remind husbands that they forget that they too have an awesome in marriage and that the wife cannot and should not do everything for the marriage . Husbands are to love and respect their wives too.. She should not respect emotional or physical abuse. Husbands use the submissiveness end respectful, quite a bit, in order to control, best down, and demean wives. Wives must start reminding husbands that they complain and nag too. If husbands had all these tasks and suffer with the female issues like their wives, it would be a whole different world.
Sometimes husbands are so conniving and subtle, in their Interactions with their wives and then tend to keep wives under pressure. They make rules and play mind games. Wives are so gullible that they fall in line and frustration begins. This is why women begin nagging. We have got to build up women’s ability to ignore the man mane doctrines and mind games and stop following rules made by men, that tell women they must act, speak, dress, behave, and perform certain carnal ways, in order to exalt the man so that he won’t stop caring, won’t get angry, and won’t cheat, on his wife.
Mathi says
Jean,
How right you are. A man does not have the ability to withstand the family pressures his wife has to undergo. In marriage relationship there should be mutual respect. A man cannot expect to dominate his wife as if she was a nitwit. He should realize that times have changed and he can get respect only when he gives it to his wife.
Sindhu says
Hi mam,
My hubby s egoistic and very domainting person. He used to he can’t be submissive to a women but expects his wife to be submissive. His mother has a major influence on him. For few months of marriage life was living n joint family they treated me like housemaid and his mother used to say Sunday I shouldn’t go out with husband. Even she restricted me I shouldn’t ask my hubby to buy anything for me . I have to ask her if I need anything. Like all girl mother. Her mother told me adjust.
So I have adjusted in order.to save my marriage life. Listening to his mother my hubby started to abuse me verbally and pshyically. Later he will regret it. Then we lead a normal life he used to me but his mother restrict him not to so anything for me
One day his mother abused my parents verbally tat made.me d quotation very worst. Tat was first day I burst out which lead to abuse. He and his mother abused me.physically forced me to step.out of house.
My hubby never allow me to go out alone . never allow me to.speak with my parents when he s at home. Never take me out for shopping even purchasing for grocery .
We started a live n separate house but he started dominating more stated I separate him from his parents. So he put a condition that I should notmeet my parents I agree since I don’t want my parents to suffer he started to fight for silly things. Even if I tried to explain he used to say stop aruging I hate u arguing. I least bother whether u r rite or wrong. Even I did wrong u should accept . I got pregnant. He abused me pshyically I came back to.my parents house with a hope that my hubby will realize my love . gave birth to girl baby. He started dominating me by saying I should seek his permission for doing anything for my child. He saying he has.more rights on my child than me. If anything happens to my child then he will kill me. My life has become hell. I have spoken to him politely many times but he never listen to me. He never asked.my suggestions ..he never ask me whether I have any wish. He used to say I should accept his wish as my wish. I came back to my parents house . still he s saying I should be submissive if want to live. What should do I.
Mathi says
Sindhu,
Being egoistic is a clear sign that your husband is immature. Your mother in law should be respected and not feared. She has no right to have a say in your married life. Your husband has no rights to say that you cannot see your parents.If you allow your husband to dominate you he will continue to do so. Married life is all about mutual respect. You deserve respect and love from your husband. It is sad your husband does not realize that his happiness depends on how well he interacts with you.
Do not bow down to the unreasonable behavior of your husband. Do not give tit for tat also. Behave with dignified confidence. Do not cry before your husband. When he ill treats just ignore him to show your husband that you will not be bothered by his immature behavior. It is not easy to do. But you have to act with courage if you want to have some peace in your married life.
Crystal says
I have been married for 23 years. I am at wits end right now. My husband is a total control freak. He literally controls everything. I can’t wear nice clothes (only baggy tshirts and loose fitting jeans or shorts that come to my knees), can’t spend time with family, and can’t have anyone at the house. If I do something he doesn’t approve of then it’s hell to pay. He is always fussing at me and makes me feel like I’m 2 inches tall. If I go to the store I have to text him when I leave the house, when I get to the store, when I leave the store, and when I get home. I can only shower when he is at home. He fusses when I have to go to the dr because of my asthma, copd, and chronic kidney disease. I’m not allowed to talk to any other man even though he is standing right beside me. If I do then I’ve automatically slept with that person. If I don’t have sex with him every other night then he throws a fit. I am very crafty and decorate cakes if someone orders something and I make it without asking him if it’s ok to make it then he yells and curses me. He never makes decisions on where to go or what to eat. Then if I suggest something that he doesn’t want to do when we get there he talks to me rudely and makes me feel so ashamed. I don’t believe in divorces and he knows it. I have to admit it has gotten so bad that I have actually asked god to take him away. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
Mathi says
Crystall,
You are doing it all wrong. You can respect your husband but you cannot let him rule your life. Do not do all that he asks you to do. You are not a slave and your husband is not your master. Good married life needs mutual respect. You have all the rights to dress as you want to.
It is time you act firmly. Be confident and bold enough to tell your husband that he cannot play around with you. Do not let go your talent in cake making because of your husband. Such hobbies can unwind your stressed mind. When you ignore his domination it instantly makes your husband understand that you have finally realized your rights as a wife.
Janani says
Hi mam,
I am married since 3 yrs, i went in to a joint family. My prblm started at the night of marriage. My mil told my mother to take me home. My hus is a drinker. I came to know only after mrge. He had some skin problem that aldo they didnt say. I couldn’t digest his habits. He used to go out with his bro and stay with his friend late night and not bothered me. I got conceived nxt month. He didn’t not know what was going thru my pregnancy. Delivery was undertaken by my parents. He asked u r in mother place why shld i ask. I told u tc of delivery for which my mil didnt accept. He used to scold b4 his bro and sis. Allow them to speak abt me. I forced him to take me separate bcoz they wantec my salary and my parents also were disrespectef. Even if we are living separately . Problem continues. I got conceived second time dr said me not to travel. He wanted to go to Chennai to see his parents. His mother came and told v should not be kept separate bcoz of which i got pregnant. So i said i am not coming to c ur parents. They r also not controlling their tongue. My hus is also not supporting. So i thought of holding my self respect. For which my hus is saying if u r not caring my parents how will i have interest in u. He is only bothered about their feelings and not mine. Some words he uses like badly affect my self esteem. He will not recieve my parents talk to them. Nothing he does. I came to chennai for second delivery. But he wanted to do delivery in trichy. There is no body to tc there. My mil will act in front of my hus but she will not tc. He is telling we can put servant and tc. I was vomiting and tc of elder son my hus didnt even bother whether i ate or not just bcoz i didnt agree to whatever he said. I delivered my second son. He didnt even call me as how i am or children. He himself will not bother his parents. After mrge ly everything is more. after mrge ly he is talking to his sis. He is expecting everything one side from me all expectations from me. I hate my life. No care. No love. No affection. Financial matters i dont know. I quit my job for kids. I want to live high before him. He knows what he speaks is wrong but never asks sorry. Sry is only in the way to sexual relationship. He says only bcoz of my parents support i am like this. He should realize his mistake and the entire fmly should kneel down for apology. They r looking for my sister in law for mrge for that alone 100 phones for me to come. I dont want to go. Help me out how to deal with my hus. He has certain good qualities. For my children i am controlling. Should i agree with him and go. Or i am right in decisions
Mathi says
janani,
Never let go your self esteem. If you are meek your mother in law will dominate your life. No one has the right to decide your life except you. Your mother in law seems to be instigating your husband against you. Why did you leave your job? You need your own personal money. Money gives you independence and self confidence.
Talk to your husband and explain about how you feel about his attitude. Never cry before him. It gives your husband the feeling that he can dominate you. Your confidence should speak for you. You say your husband has some good qualities. It means you have hope for a good married life. Do not go to your parents with a complaint list about your husband. Handle your family problems yourself. Never allow your mother in law to intrude into your personal life. She can have your respect and not the power over your privacy. If you cry and make a show your husband will have a field day making your life torturous. On the other hand if you are assertive you will see lots of positive things happening to you. Do not fight with your husband. Attract him towards you by your love and confidence. Life is never all sorrow. Your life also will change for the good. GOOD LUCK.
Reema says
I have been married for 16 yrs.We had an arranged marriage.My husband has a transferable job.He has a handicapped elder brother who was married to a girl of humble background and had 2 kids. Initially my husband was quite doting towards me. My mother-in-law did not like this.My father -in -law would complain to me that once my husband goes after holiday, he does not call them at all! Later they started calling us and would talk to me. Then my husband would also talk to them.Sometime later his parents created misunderstanding between us and my father -in- law said that I am not a very good bahu.My husband changed and became very dominating.Every year during holidays he would take me only to his parent’s house. Over the years my in-laws have behaved in a very selfish way and controlling my husband completely.My mother -in -law would always say that she is not well . they would make my husband feel that they have brought him up andwhat ever he is because of them. they would also give an example that once when my husband was small and was hit by a boy, his brother had protected him. They made my mother-in-law dependent on my husband on papers without telling me.My in-laws looked after only my husband’s brother and his kids and neglected me and my kids.They moved to their village town . my husband would plan his leave only according to them.He would go in his car,bring them to city ,show them in hospital,get their shopping done and then take them back to their town, stay there for a few days and then come back. But if I had a problem he would not bother and ask me to go myself saying that I am educated and can take care of myself. During both my pregnancy, I stayed at my parent’s house only for 6 months each.My husband stayed till delivery then went to his parent’s house for 10-15 days,came back for 2-3 days and went back to his posting.My husband would often make fun of me and my family but when I complained about my in-laws he would hit me.I came to know that my mother- in-law misbehaved with my sister-in-law also.7 years after our marriage we heard that my sister-in-law pushed my father- in law holding his collar and they made her leave the house.Her parents tried to take her children but could not.Now when we visited their house my MIL misbehaved with me and my brother in law’s children misbehaved with our children.They broke my children’s toys and hid their own. My husband as usual overlook everything and all the time just talked to them. Later when my brother-in-law’s daughter developed some medical problem, they took her back. My husband took leave, stayed with them for a month and got my in-laws and brother -in-law’s daughter treated in good hospitals.I was busy with my job and my children in another city where my husband was posted .My parents visited me for some time.Now my in-laws kept on calling my husband again and again even for simple ailments and my husband would take leave after almost every 2months and show them in hosp.With my husband’s consent without my knowledge they have given all the property,money ,etc to my brother in law and my FIL’s pension.My father-in- law had asthema and my MIL had arthritis .Later she developed tuberculosis of spine.My husband would bring them in city where they stayed at their relative’s house and show them in hosp and drop them back to town.I had to take care of my children’s needs and education myself .Even on sundays my husband would go to play golf till afternoon, come back tired and sleep.When my children came to higher class I decided to shift to the city near my parent’s house so that I could get some support and company.My husband is posted in another city.Now he says that he has to bring my MIL again and she along with his brother’s wife will stay in our house , in our bedrom.Our rooms are quite small and I feel the disease is infectious so I protested. there are some good guestrooms available near a hosp near our house, I asked my husband to go for them as these visits will be taking place almost every month.I said that I am already looking after the house and education of children all alone but as usual he is not listening to me. I feel very tensed,helpless,not able to focus on anything.
Mathi says
Hi Reema,
Your in laws are emotionally blackmailing your husband. But you should understand that your husband has certain duties towards his parents. But everything has its limits. His duties towards his parents should in no way intrude into his duties towards his family. His parents are pure selfish in demanding the attention of their son after marriage also. Do not allow your husband to bring in his mother to your house. This will cause tremendous stress in your relationship. Your husband cannot carry his parents along throughout his life. He should help them financially and show them respect and love. But his first obligation is towards you and your children. He should tell his parents firmly that they should look after themselves. Do not fight with your husband as he will deliberately do what you do not like him to do. But be very firm in telling him that you cannot look after his family. This does not mean you are not a good daughter in law. You are just avoiding an inevitable confrontation which you would have if your in laws come to live with you.
Anuradha says
Hello Mam,
Our is a arrange marriage. Its been four months now to the marriage. Husband stays in UK. Our Engagement took place One and half year back. There was a complete one year gap between we committed for marriage to each other and our marriage took place. Initially husband delayed the marriage because he was seeing other proposals even after commiting me for marriage and doing a small engagement in presence of both side parents. When I came to know he is talking to other girls for marriage I questioned him and said leave me so he married me.
There is some past relationship we both had we discussed about it 6 months before marriage and both agreed to forgive each other.
From the day engagment happened I considered him as my husband in my mind and has not done any mistake which I will have to hide from him or my parents. After marriage he committed to be a Good husband and not hide anything from me. So I was happy. Then after marriage he was supposed to go to UK and send me papers for my VISA. But instead of going to UK he stayed in India for few days and said he was affected by my bad behaviour after marriage. He went and met one Girl after 7days of marriage in India and told me he is in UK. When I came to know he is in India he told that Girl blackmailed him so he went to sort the matter. I thought to him one chance as I didn’t know the truth. Then it was decided before marriage that his father and my father will give equal amount of Fixed deposit to us for our future life. My father did FD on my name. His father didn’t did any FD. I think may be because he always see his son confused about marriage decision or any other reason can be. Now he is asking me to take the FD from my name to joint account of ours then only he will send Visa papers for me to come and stay with him in UK. I am also equally qualified to him and stand on my legs. I have left my work before marriage as I have to go and search new work and live with him after marriage. I feel if he really loves me he should not force me for bringing money to joint account. Because my father had spent considerable amount of money in marriage and his father has spent just 20% compare to that. And now I feel he is making me helpless by taking my all money. So I said him this is not possible for me. And I will search and start my job. Because I am afraid of him for following reasons:
1 He tells all the things which I tell him to my parents and his parents. He blackmail me for certain things which I shared with him before marriage because I wanted 100% honesty from my side.
2 He talks with girl after marriage many times with whom his matrimonial matter were going on. There is one girl who is ready to marry him if leaves me. He said he will never marry that girl even if he is not with me. That Girl still calls him after four months of marriage.
3 Because of him my career is affecting as I am unemployed from 6 months.
4 He checks my phone in night. He hacks my facebook account and e-mail id.
5 He always tell one thing and then that thing is done he tells to do other thing.
6 He has used abusive language with me.
7 To his certain friends he still not disclose status as married.
8 Still not put status or photograph of marriage on facebook and whats app.
9 Always test me that if he live with his parents will I live with him or not. I said in all up and downs of life I am with him and in all emergencies as well.
10 He had made a legal document in which it is mentioned he will not be liable for a single money if we get seperated and certain other clauses in regards to I should work in same town and so on. I have signed it without reading on day of marriage by trusting him as husband,
I tried to talk with him for hours and explain him things but he behaves like a childish person I feel.
What should I do now ?
Mathi says
Anuradha,
Never allow your husband to handle your money. He has no right to it. He shows that he is not trustworthy by asking you to transfer your personal money into joint account. Your husband is emotionally blackmailing. Don’t allow it. You should have never left your job. Find a job for yourself. You need it for your survival and self respect. You should not go to UK if your husband forces you to part with your money. If you agree to it he will demand more and more. As for his seeing other girls, you should definitely put an end to it.
You need to have immense patience to make your husband see reason. But I feel you should not hesitate in separating from him if he persists in behaving so callously towards you.
Anuradha says
Thanks a lot for the reply.
Rochelle says
Hi Mathi,
I am a working woman, with 2 kids, both boys of 7 and 10 years.I have been married for 12 years. Though I have been having problem in my married life from day one but have been managing somehow. Lately I have started hating the relationship, but not having enough strenght to walk out, thinking of my kids.
My husband used to run a business but have split from his partners 2 and half uears back. Since then I have never seen a fire in him to earn and do something with his life. He spents most of his day at home watching youtube videos(not porn). He is abusive both verbal and physical. He does not refrain from speaking ill about me or hitting me in frint of my kids. He hates my parents, his parents are no more.He has been telling me to leave him time and again that now its just another line in his abuse. He has taken over my debit card and I have to literally beg to get some money to run house. He does not move from his place the whole day, he is busy watching TV or youtube video. He even feels lazy to drop kids to the bist stop or tuition. He blames me for all his short coming. He has put on alot of fat and keeps telling mevthat I am responsible for that as I did not want him to look good. He says that he got a raw deal in the marriage as he neither got a beautiful wife nor did he get any dowry. My parents gave me jewellery worth 5 laks which we sold when we bought our flat.
He is chauvinistic man and asks me to obediently follow whatever he says. Infact he says that He kept me for all the work only. Lately its become all the more difficult as all the Hiuse work is on me, I leave Hime at 8.30 and reach back at 7, there is no time to do anything much.Earlier my Mom supported as she used to come home and take care of my kids and to a large extent home. But my husband says that she should not come home anymore. So I am left with no help and support.
He is a saddist , he would just keep hirting me by passing rude comments about me and my background.
I am too desparate. Please suggest.
Mathi says
Rochelle,’
You should not let your husband lead his life like this. He is becoming a burden to you. Why did you give your debit card to your husband? He has no rights over your money. Get your card from him. You have to think of yourself and your kids.
He is threatening you because you are letting him do it. Be very firm with your husband. Tell him he has to contribute for the family’s financial commitments. Be reasonable. Do you love him? Do your children love him? Does your husband love his children? If the answer is no it is no use continuing in a name sake marriage.
Rose says
Hi Mathi, I am an Indian woman now married for 12 years.. I live in Uk and work as a nurse.. Our marriage was a typical arranged.. Ever since I experienced only sufferings.. He used to control my money until 3 years before . Even I want to give a little money to my parents I had to beg to him..now I look after my money . Now he pays our mortgage and I am paying the bills.. He won’t help with any money for kids needs like their Tution or extra classes .i Pay our old houses mortgage and he takes the rental money . He doesnot discuss any thing with me .. I am just a person to look after the house, kids. And an equipment t for his sexual satisfaction. He even used to take money from me to drive to duty. If I question anything.. He says all the offensive names in front of our kids .. Few times he thrown my things out of the house. Even kick me out of the house at midnight.. Even in cold winter months.. My kids and me are so afraid of him.. I tried to discuss with his parents but they are saying I am not obedient .. Don’t know what more I need to be?? I can’t do divorse at present as I only got an old mum and a retarded sister in India.. They got no one else.. Never experienced any love if care from him.. Even our joined properties in India, things he won’t say to me.. I am really tired..
Mathi says
Rose,
You should never be afraid of your husband. Why do you fear him? Do you fear his abusive behavior? There is no need for it. The more you are frightened the more advantage your husband will take of you. You are allowing him to abuse you. You have every right to help your mother. It is no use discussing your family problems with his parents. You have to deal with it firmly.
You should tell your husband that he cannot take you for granted. You need not fight with him. Your confidence will unnerve him. Yes. Behave in a manner which makes your husband think twice before misbehaving with you. Unless you react with anger to his abuse your husband will never change.
mahiii says
Hi mam…your article is really fantastic…your solutions are very reliable and useful in a great manner..
1 and half year completed after my marriage..my hubby is a bank manager and he is very proud of it and feels as though he is the only one doing that and earning money.he always thinks that everyone should respect him bcoz he has govt job.. next he needs everything from my parents..he never gives me pocket money..if i ask him for that he scolds me..never respects my feelings and wishes..he thinks as lord and i have to serve him as old times..always orders me to do works as he mentioned…my weakness is emotion i used to cry everytime he scold or abuse me..he even wanted to control my dressing also..he is very irritating..and blackmails me like this if you dont do this i will cal your dad..so what to do mam…please suggest me…
Mathi says
Mahili,
Your husband cannot expect you to be at his beck and call. Why do you cry before him? It will make your husband think that he has control over you.Don’t let him blackmail you. If he says he is going to call your dad, tell him to go ahead. The shame is his and not yours. If you are submissive he will dominate you. If you nag him he will withdraw from you. Be confident. From what you are saying, I think you are not working. But being a home maker is not an easy joke. It is a tremendous job 247.
Here afterwards stop crying. Your husband does not deserve your tears. Behave with dignified confidence. Make him understand that he cannot take you for granted. He is not a lord and neither are you his maid.
Tejas says
Hi Mathi
I was married for last 14 years and blessed with 13 years old son but my married life is very soar. My husband is very egoistic, dominating nature. Am working women and also taking care of my son and household things. He is not helping me in anything. Even, he is not spending a penny on me & my son. He used to spend his money on himself and on his parents. He is earning less and am earning more but that is not the case.
From the day one, I started giving my salary to my in-laws and my husband started giving me a pocket money to me of Rs.1000/-. I had no right to ask what they were doing of my salary instead of this my husband was asking me to return the balance money from my pocket also and so many other issues. Our fights begin for all these kind of issues and in the meantime, I was blessed with my son. After that I left the job for one and a half year. They had not given me a pocket money and even not fulfilled basic needs of mine & my son also. We had so many fights and I went to parents home also. Even two times police were also involved. Finally, my husband decided to be separated from his parents and stay at rented house but I refused to do the same as he was only son and it was not right but he started sleeping at rented home in nights. Whole of the day, he was here only. Now, I was alone and helpless, Nobody was with me, it was difficult for me to survive there, I came back to my parents home. In the meantime, his sister got married and he had not invited and even not informed to me. I was shocked to know and at that time I had no option to accept his condition that I have to live at rented home and have to spend 50% of household expenses including my son basic needs to education. In the same manner, I had spent my 14 years and so many fights.
Now, I got to know his extramarital affair. Even twice my son caught him but he has so many excuses. My son had seen condomn in his office drawers and with his colleague in the office. One used condomn in his pocket also. Once, I had seen whats app messages stating that 5 saal ka rishta aise nhi khatam ho sakta and my husband was saying call me sweet heart when u free.
Am really shocked and don’t know what to do.
Thanks
tejas
.
Mathi says
Tejas,
I apologize for the long delay in answering. Your married life is rather messy. Your husband is selfish and immature. The initial mistake lies with you. Why did you give your salary to your in laws? They have no rights over your money. Do not involve police in your family matters. This creates intense misunderstanding and hostility in your relationship. Why was the police involved? Did you make the complaint? If so, it was very wrong on your part. This gives your husband an excuse to be indifferent towards you.
Now the question before you is – how to rectify your destroyed marriage?
Are you still living with your parents?
Don’t do it. Live with your husband. Don’t bring up your past fights. It is no use. You have your son to think of. For men sex is very important. Don’t deny him that. Be friendly and loving. If you want your marriage to survive forget his extra marital affairs. But tell your husband you would never tolerate future affairs.
You should do all this if you want your marriage to last. I hope your husband realizes that his life is with you and not with casual flings.
Vidhatri says
Hello ma’am
I am a house wife and have a daughter of 6 yrs old. I was working before my daughter’s birth. I am not working from the past 6 yrs to look after my daughter
My husband is a short tempered person who wants to control each and every one . Even the neighbours.
I want to work but he is not allowing me
O am good at music and I thought of starting music class at home . But he doesn’t want other caste student to come home. So I dropped that plan
Thought of joining as teacher to near by school. But he said why u take stress. Look after home that’s enough. Not supporting me in any way. I know very well that he wants me to be financially dependant on him.
He pretends like he cares for me a lot in front of his mother and my parents. When ever there is a fight he throws vessels in the kitchen. Screams in a louder voice. I feel very ashamed.
He doesn’t eat what I cook during periods. Don’t touch me n my daughter. He wants all the bed spreads curtains to be washed on the 4 th day. I am fed up of this practise. I ‘ll be tired on the 4 th day like anything. If he cones near me I get irritated because of this reason.
He never Cares for my health. Once I had typhoid . He made me cook and do the household work. Then I went to my parents house to take rest. Again I had viral fever . I had 103 degree fever. He made me cook. I used to drop and pick up my daughter from school. My face was full of red patches. Then my father took me to my native for rest.
Some times he ‘ll be normal. Most of the times I fell like I am facing viva. He never give respect to his parents , sister. So I can’t expect that from him. Neither he cares for my daughter nor me. I am fed up of this relationship. He knows how to behave in front of others with me.
Mathi says
Hi Vidhatri,
You must be financially independent to handle this problem. It is true you have to adjusting to your husband if you want your marriage to work. But not at the cost of your health and mental peace.
There are times when you have to make individual decisions and this is one such occasion. Be adamant about your job.
How can your husband be so narrow minded in this age?
Everyone are humans and should be respected.But if you start your musical classes at home your husband will give you trouble and you will find it tough to handle your classes. I think the school teacher job would be perfect for you. Your husband might object initially but when you show that you cannot be bulldozed your husband will relent.
I think you are being too submissive. You should not have allowed your husband to make you work when you were unwell. It shows that he is uncaring towards you.
Draw your own boundaries.
Talk to your husband about your dislikes regarding his misbehavior with you. Tell him that you will not tolerate it any longer. Of course there will be initial unwanted reactions from your husband. But you have to be steady in making your dislike felt by him.
When he abuses you, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will retaliate. Men who behave like your husband are often cowards. If you are submissive your husband will dominate you, but when you show that you mean business, he will lose his steam.
Good luck.
AnonymousViewer says
Hi Maam, I envy your marriage life and I look up on you as my another mother. I always wanted to have a marriage life like you have mentioned in your “About” section. Hoping & praying God that it happens one day!
Right now, I am married for 8 years with a 3.5 year old daughter with my husband. From day one of my married life my husband doesn’t show positive attitude towards my parents just because they shower so much love and affection on me. Initially, I thought that it was just possessiveness whereas as days goes it turned out to be a controlling behavior. He does not allow me to go to my mom’s place alone or accompany me happily. Even if he comes along, he make sure he shows gestures of controlling behavior even at my mom’s place and does not really get along well with anyone. Since, he being an introvert basically to anyone, my parents took this in a right way initially. He did not allow me to do even a phone call with my mom independently where he always stays and listens what I talk with her and obviously my conversation will be short and in an afraid manner. Later, I developed making phone calls secretly (without my husband knowing) to my mom just to ensure that I am ok at my in laws place after marriage so that they do not get worried thinking about me. Somehow he figured that out and lost all trust with me and that turned out he being even more strict with his behavior in allowing to talk with my mom. He always fears that I may bad mouth something about him or his family to my parents and maybe that is also a reason for not allowing me to talk with my parents. (atleast that is what the reason that I believed and pacified myself)
My mom is very attached to me like every other mom and I also have a elder brother happily married to my sister in law with a beautiful daughter. Initially, I did not mind about my husband’s behavior and did not reveal to anyone. Whereas my parents sensed something was wrong and I always pacified them that this will be alright and I always pretended that I was happily married. My brother also supported me that its up to you to decide and anything we will be there to support you.(after all the events happened as stated below) To be honest, my husband is not ready in accepting the fact that I too have parents/personal life/friends/can show love and affection to them too, Instead, he isolated me from anyone including my friends.
While my husband does not always shows respect to my parents while talking about them to me. But he did not show any signs deliberately to my parents. He respected them whenever we went there to their place and only showed anger to me when we were alone together and typically I hide my tears in front of everyone and tried to be happy that he is only showering love on me.. As I thought everything will be alright as days goes. After few months of marriage, we happened to relocate to US which was very easier for him to isolate me from my parents, he was happy to accept the offer. While I accompanied him and tried to maintain contact with my parents through video call/voice call, most of the times I would have to be afraid to do so since it will be an issue later on as somehow he picks up a fight for talking to them. As being alone and I left my job to accompany my husband, initially it was very difficult not to talk with anyone and I always wanted my mom to be worry free about me as she is very sensitive. This always made me to pretend to be happy in front of her.
This was going on for the first 3 years of my marriage life. In between, even for my brother’s wedding I would have to beg him completely to allow for a week stay at my mom’s place with him accompanying me. Initially, I did not have any thought of separating him rather I always believed that everything will be alright in the end and I also will be happy towards him. He does not have any other issues with me apart from being possessive with me for my family. I also thought after a baby he will be alright.
But after my daughter was born, she was medically fragile for a while which diverted all of these problems for a while. So, we did not happen to visit my mom’s place due to this. After 4 years I happened to visit India along with my daughter hoping everything will be fine for what we have gone through. But things has never changed. I was devastated as I was in the assumption and belief that he would have changed and will understand my wish too just for visiting my mom. The same fights happened for visiting my mom s place and he was always rude and using abusive language whenever I talk about my parents or family or anything else related to them. Somehow I fought with him and made him to stay with my parents for 3 weeks as my parents should believe that everything is fine with me and also I always pretended the same. But even in that 3 weeks, he was not being normal with me while showing gestures if my mom shows affection towards me! Somehow I managed being normal with everyone on top of it!
I always take side of my parents for my husband being this controlling for no valid reason which is a natural behaviour for any women which triggerred him even more and gave an impression to my in laws that I disobey his words always and shouts, My in laws knows everything from the beginning and they were kind of supportive but towards the end they wanted to obey as their son says and was selfish! They did not even bother about my sufferings rather blamed me for shouting on their son. While I do not really meant to disobey where I just ask for my rights and ask justice for their son’s abusive behavior they have no answers for that. He has spit on my face, used bad language, hit me just to make sure that I do not open my mouth again for going to visit my family before we leave India.
After all this happened, I have not revealed anything to my family completely while they sensed that something was going on and I am managing somehow. I decided to stay with my husband for my daughter sake. She is yet to completely get well and I decided to get along with my husband after all this!! But even after all this happened, he has not changed a bit after coming here. He is not allowing me to make a phone call and still being the same. I talk with my mom only when she calls. Only for few minutes, with restrictive behavior. I am unable to be normal. I always fear him. But apart from this part he is being fine with me. Except for this topic he is one of the nicest husband. But I always hate him for him making me suffer for silly reasons which is not acceptable. I always wanted to acknowledge my parents and be normal with them too! But this controlling behavior is frustrating and stressing me a lot. Nowadays I think about getting divorced often as he is not showing concerns for my wishes for my tears for my sufferings, then how will he be able to take care of me and my daughter.
I dont know how to change him or rather stop being weak in front of him. I cannot sacrifice my family for this. I have already left everyone almost lost contact with them and only following secretive text messages/calls whenever he is away. This is not a solution for this and also I think about my daughter future as she will be the one to suffer if I leave him due to this! I really need your advice on this! Every day when I wake up and before going to bed I have always tears about all these thoughts. I cannot go due to my daughter s future rather be in this torture! I am also weak to reveal everything to my parents as they are getting old and something or other may happen thinking about my life! But always they are supportive with my decision! They know that it s me that should take the decision rather than they getting involved which may spoil everything!
Any input from you is appreciated. Thank you maam!
Mathi says
Hi,
I can understand your feelings. As a woman, it is natural that you want your close relationship with your parents to continue. And you have absolute right over it. I feel that your husband is feeling insecure about your love. And he is confusing the love you have for your parents as an intrusion into the love you have for him. He is wrong.
But you are doing it wrong by being secretive about your interaction with your parents.
Why do you do it?
It is your right. No one can deny it to you. If your husband feels resentful about your parents, it is his view. You cannot change it. But it should in no way make you feel hesitant to go to parent’s house. You should go to your parents house alone. Don’t take your husband with you. Talk with your parents without fear about what your husband thinks. If you show your fear it will show your husband that he has the power to rule you.
When there are restrictions and domination, you cannot enjoy your marriage. It is time you took action. Be loving and caring towards your husband. But do not let him make you be submissive and fearing.
Don’t be secretive when you contact your parents. You are not doing anything wrong. It is your fear that is complicating things for you. You be your normal and loving self with your parents. If your husband turns abusive, tell him point blank that you will not tolerate it. He might react violently for a while but when you keep doing your thing, he will understand that it is your right to have good relationship with your parents.
You tell me that he is a good husband otherwise. It is a good thing. I am sure he will understand his mistake. It is you who have to act.
Aria says
my husband has dual personality – when he is in good mood great amazing times but when he turns to his second temper self – he is out of control – instills fear in me – can hit me i see so much hatred about me in his eyes and asks me to leave . he has told me to leave lots of time – i have made this aware to him i dont like his family – i am polite to all of them but he torchers me with words saying i dont talk to anyone from his family with heart and emotions… he is dominating rather confusing – he will help me with everything as much as he can but one silly argument and he will be silent treatment wont even touch the food made by me… will comment on how worse a person I am …. in comparison no doubt in this world’s perspective he will be a better human being than me……… always feeling bad about myself out of nowhere – staying in fear that dont know when he will leave or when i will have to leave when i cant take in anymore…… i dont understand the concept of marriage…. though good part is he only hits may be once a year in a temper… and once when i complained to their parents when first time it happened his parents said i only must have done something wrong so i got hit… even my parents tell me the same and i wonder whats the point of life itself…….
Mathi says
Hi Aria,
I think your husband does not have control over his emotions. This is the reason he loses his control over his behavior. You say that he is amazing and only when he is in a bad mood does he flare up. If so, your husband loves you. And since he has a fickle temperament he vents all his frustration on you during his mood swings. So, don’t fear that he will leave you or that your marriage would end.
Don’t take your personal problems to your parents or your in laws. Solve it yourself.
Most men talk hurting words when they are angry, not understanding how much they are hurting their wives. Your husband is doing the same thing. And don’t convey your real feelings about your in laws to your husband. He will not like it.
So, take the anger of your husband as his negative side and feel happy about his positive side and that is his amazing behavior towards you. If you pay too much attention to the negative behavior of your husband you will fail to enjoy his positive side.
Swati says
Really good article….I liked your post….
Nobody likes dominating spouse….Husband and wife should equally respect each other. Nobody is inferior or superior to anyone.
My husband is also little dominating. He is 15 years older than me. It’s a love marriage and age really doesn’t matter. He thinks he should give me advice may be because he thinks he has more experiences of life than me.
Anyway I am a very independent woman. I respect my husband but I don’t listen to him all the time. Yes he is my husband but I am an individual also and I think he should not interfere in my life beyond a limit.
We have been married for 3 years now……..He has this habit to give me advice on everything…… Earlier I used to listen to him but now I don’t care what he says….
6 months ago I clearly told him that I don’t like his advice on each and every thing and it’s irritating……. Surprisingly, he understood my feelings….Now he doesn’t interfere too much in my life…..
So I think sometimes you have to say your feelings to your life partner clearly then only they will understand…..
If you don’t speak up for you they will keep hurting your feelings….
Communication with your life partner is very important for a happy married life.