Your married life becomes nightmarish and hellish when your husband is immature, isn’t it?
He makes your married life torturous by not understanding his duties as a husband and father, doesn’t he?
It is terrifying to live with such an immature husband, to say the least.
Marriage is a responsibility which needs commitment from both. You are not the sole one responsible. It always takes two to make your marriage work.
You should be responsible and your husband should be responsible. If any one of your shirk away from fulfilling your family duties, it has tremendous negative impact in your marriage.
This is the reason you want your husband to share your responsibilities willingly and with dedication.
But what if your husband is immature?
Your immature husband gets away from his duties by behaving in a selfish manner.
Yes.
The immaturity of your husband makes him selfish as well.
Your immature husband is very abusive also.
He yells and screams at you whenever he is unable to handle family issues.
Your husband does not care how you manage your family. He in fact acts as though he is the only priviledged one who has no duties or commitment towards you or your children.
And in his selfishness, your immature husband makes you handle every family issues all by yourself.
You have many duties thrust on you because your husband is immature.
- You are compelled to handle every problem that creeps into your family life.
- You are accused as the sole culprit when there are family issues.
- You are overburdended with tons of responsiblities in looking after your family and your children.
- You are forced to provide everything for the family’s financial needs.
- You are mentally and physically famished by the duties thrust on you.
Phew!
Quite a handful of work in your hands, isn’t it?
The immaturity of your husband makes you literally drained of energy. You feel depressed and miserable when you think of your married life with such an immature husband.
“Married life is like a railway track” my mother told me.
We were discussing about my cousin whose husband was very immature and inconsiderate towards her. My cousin’s life was pathetic as she had to run her family without the support of her immature husband.
“How can relationship be compared to a railway track?” I asked her confusedly.
“Have you seen the railway track? It runs parallel all through its destination. If one line is off the track the train will definitely derail” she told me with a smile.
“Can one railway line bear the total weight of the train? The weight of the train is balanced between the two lines. The same should happen in marriage relationship also. Couples too have equal commitments and responsibilities all through their married life” my mother further added.
“Though a woman is endowed with immense willpower to handle every problem that crops up in the family, she feels lonely and dejected when the immaturity of her husband thrusts the whole family burden on her shoulders. Immaturity obviously means selfishness. Selfishness in relationship is yet another marriage wrecker” she concluded.
My mother was right on target.
When your husband is immature, it throws your married life into confusion.
If your husband is mature and assertive you have a warm shoulder to lean on during your times of mental tension. The maturity of your husband makes you feel comfortable and secure – financially and emotionally.
Does your husband behave in a mature way?
You are indeed lucky!
How does your husband help you when he is mentally mature?
- Your husband gives you moral support when you need it.
- He is committed towards the family.
- Your husband is dedicated to his profession as he knows it means a lot for the financial security of the family.
- He is loving and considerate.
But what if your husband is immature?
Your married life becomes a daily torture when you have to deal with his wavering mood swings. You feel emotionally drained and washed out.
Here are the 8 devastating signs that show your husband is immature.
1. Your immature husband is not committed towards your family.
When your husband is immature, he never thinks it is his duty to share family commitments with you.
He coolly isolates himself when there are family problems as though it did not concern him.
You want your husband to discuss family matters with you, but he never opens his mouth about it as he does not want to be pulled into the whirlpoop of fulfilling family duties.
You can only fume and fret at the immaturity of your husband.
2. Your immature husband has tremendous mood swings
You too experience mood swings. But not like the one your husband displays.
He often yells and confronts you for innocuous reasons.
When your husband is denied his wishes, it opens a floodgate of abusiveness from him.
He screams at the top of his voice as though you had committed a grave mistake.
He throws things around and sometimes hurts himself to meet his selfish demands.
You are literally at your tether end not knowing how to handle the violent behavior of your immature husband.
3. Your immature husband does not have a steady job
Your husband does not realize that you need the earnings of both to meet the financial needs of your family.
In his irresponsibility he scarcely cares to give his best for his job.
Since your husband is not sincere to his work, he does not have a stable job. He jumps from one job to another without caring to consider the financial needs of your family.
Your husband is not ambitous.
He lacks professionalism.
He lacks work ethics.
Naturally the management does not want him to work for them. Your husband is not bothered when he is dismissed.
He pretends to look for another job, but in reality he does not.
His attitude towards his profession is nomadic. He easily shifts from one company to another.
4. Your husband is selfish
When your husband is immature, he becomes selfishness personified.
He wants everything for himself.
When he is earning, he spends only on himself.
When your husband is not earning, he fleeces you off your money, without a thought about your predicament.
When you reason with him that you have other financial commitments, he gets wild with anger.
5. Your immature husband is accusing
Your husband well knows that he is the reason behind the many issues your family faces. He also knows that your family problems are byproducts of his immaturity.
But your husband refuses to accept his faults.
He has the audacity to pinpoint you as the sole culprit behind the financial problems of your family.
Your husband accuses you to be the reason behind the issues that your family faces.
6. Your husband is pessimistic
If all the above negative qualities was not enough, your husband is also downright pessimistic.
He has a gloomy attitude.
He never smiles.
His walk is sloopy and uncertain.
He is more of a recluse.
7. Your husband fleeces you off your money
Your husband is not interested in success or fame. He is always in need of money as he does not have a steady job.
So, when your husband is immature he tortures you for money. You are his treasure box to financially help him every time he needs it.
8. Your husband openly displays his immaturity
Your immature husband cries at the drop of the hat. When there are family issues, he feels terrified to face them.
When you confront him, he cries like a child and clings to you for support.
He is never decisive. He is never considerate.
Does your husband have any of the qualities mentioned above?
You are unlucky to have married a person who does not in any way support you. When the onus of running the family rests entirely on your already sagging shoulders you find it very stressful and nerve wracking.
The immaturity of your husband makes you lose your peace of mind. You lose your happiness. You find it impossible to be patient with your husband. You often have bitter arguments with your immature husband
You are often in a dilemma as to how to deal with his immaturity, aren’t you?
Should you let your immature husband have his way? Or should you confront him?
Both ways they are wrong.
If you let him off the hook, he will never realize his responsibilities. If you confront him, he takes it as an excuse to abuse you.
- Never play the role of a mother and shelter your husband from family issues. He will never evolve into a mature person if you are motherly and sheltering.
- Your husband will find it comfortable to hide behind your shoulders when you do so.
- Talk to him kindly and involve him in family issues.
- Appreciate his small contribution towards the family.
- But be careful not be too kind and protective, as your husband will never change his attitude.
You can only wait for a line of hope that your immature husband might change for the better.
Can your immature husband become mentally strong and mature?
You need incredible patience. You need immense understanding.
You need huge willpower to pull your husband out of his immaturity. With the help of your relentless love he might slowly come out of his shell of irresponsibility.
Even a small positive change is your victory, isn’t it?
JanieM says
From experience, my husband has a job, so the issue of not having a job doesn’t always fall into this category. However, he has every other symptom of immaturity. I’ve been dealing with it for 7 years, and I’m about to sign divorce papers if he doesn’t grow up. There are times when you have to realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea to choose from. Sometimes marriage is over rated. Spending the rest of your life with one person, and if you want to leave them means getting into an ugly court battle. Trust me, I’m already thinking that this was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. Hopefully, I’ve learned enough to know that just because your in love, doesn’t mean you need a court document to prove it.
Mathi says
Janie,
As I said dealing with an immature husband can be nightmarish. When you give your best to your marriage the least you expect from your husband is respect and love. Please do not think marriage relationship is over rated. The institution of marriage remains sacred. It is our approach towards it that has damaged married life. But every marriage is different and there can be no generalization. You say you have been battling with an immature husband for seven years. So you must be mentally drained and fatigued.. I can clearly understand your feelings. Hope you take the proper decision. Best wishes.
Cynthia says
I disagree…it is not our approach to marriage that damages it…There are no two sides to the problem..there is the abuse and the abuser, that is all. In fact, stating it is our approach to marriage that damages it is in fact a generalization, so your statement is conflicting. Every marriage is different, though abuse is not.
Mathi says
Cynthia,
Diversified views always exists. I respect your views. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Sharon Jackson says
I’m dealing with immaturity for almost 20 years. Im still dealing with an issue of ” You don’t like my side of the family” Now this is immaturity. But it gets Better, ” you don’t like my mom” now I’m tired of this elementary conversation. I have assured him, that I married you. Other people don’t matter. I frankly don’t care if you like my side or not. The matter is, as long as we’re cordial to each family. He doesn’t get it. Yes I believe marriage can be over rated an I’m to the point, I’m ready to put this marriage behind me an move on. Simply im tired of him. Lastly, his parenting skills are horrible. Just tired of this nonsense.
Mathi says
Sharon,
Yours is an universal problem. This comparing of one family with the other seems to exist in almost all marriage relationships. When there is mutual respect towards each other family it does away with many relationship tension. Think twice before coming to a drastic decision. Most men have bad parenting skills. It can cause you tension, but do not make it a reason for divorce. Divorce has a finality in it. Do not make a hasty decision and repent about it later. Good luck.
Vivian Frimpong says
I have lived with an immature man for a year with confusion and a whole lot of troubles and seperated for 8months, later came to reconcile but he is still in the same state. He complains of everything that i do and does not respect my family to the extent of talking any how to my mum. I have had it up to my neck i cant continue with this marriage anymore. Cos i made the decision that i want a divorce but my family said i should give him a second chance maybe there may be a change. But am still suffering.
Mathi says
Vivian,
I feel very sad about the state of your marriage. An immature husband is a tedious person to live with. You cannot always handle insults, can you? Words against your family can really enrage you. Married life as a whole has become very hectic and tension filled. If relationship stress and tension is not handled with intelligence you cannot continue with your married life. But everyone should be given a chance, must they not? Why don’t you listen to your parents and try towards making your marriage work. You have to firm, patient, loving and understanding. Never give in to your husband’s tantrums. Don’t insult him also. It is like tight rope walking. Good luck.
annette says
What do you when you really want your marriage to work but your husband of 17yrs continue to show very little initiative that involves the home and family? He seems just content to watch movies and TV shows or sit on his phone or computer all or his spare time when he’s not working. I’m tired of talking about it, he says he’ll stop but it’s always only temporary.
Mathi says
annette,
You are not the only one suffering from such indifferent behavior from your husband. It is sad that men think that looking after the family is a women’s world. A man takes comfort before laptops and TV, while a woman slogs for her family. You say you have been married for 17 years. Have you played a mother to him all these years? This is one mistake you should never make. Your husband should be told firmly that he too has equal share in supporting you in family issues. Do not fight with him. This gives an easy excuse that you are nagging. Allot him certain duties which he should do. Appreciate him when he does it. Do not find faults with what he does. Men like trusting wives. Gradually he might change for the better.
nina says
I need help. My husband is very immature, I don’t know what else to do. I feel like i’m going crazy. I’m so tired of crying and being depressed. He gets a lot of parking tickets, he doesn’t have a fixed job, he prefer to hang out with his friend instead of going to work. He act like he is still single, he doesn’t act like a father or husband. We share days , He stay with the baby 3 1/2 days and I stay with the baby 3 1/2 days as well. His days to go to work he doesn’t take it serious, instead he go to the bar with one of his useless lezy friend to the bar to match soccer.When it comes to my day to work i take very serious. .Last month i paid off 500 dollars of his parking tickets. He be saying all blah blah . that he wants us to buy house and that stuff but he is not doing nothing about it. I’m so tired. Also he abuse me psychological, mentally and physically. today he told me that he was gonna leave all because i was comfroteing him regarding 5 tickets that he got less than one month. Please help me .. Almost everyday I’m sad, thew only thing that keeps me going is my son. I hate myself form make such a bad choice.
Mathi says
nina,
I feel very sorry for you. But I am a little angry with you also. Why did you pay your husband’s parking tickets? Kindly do not do that. If you continue to be submissive and meek he will take advantage of you. If your husband threatens to walk away just ignore it. He is not going to do it.
Do not fight with him. Your husband will go into temperamental tantrums. But do not also cry as he will know he has the power to provoke you. It might become his trump card. Tell him firmly you will never tolerate his immature behavior. When you are self confident your immature husband will definitely know you cannot be taken for granted. But you have to be very patient. Good luck.
Ann says
My marriage is far from perfect, but physical abuse would be my last straw. Please don’t tolerate this. I suffered neglect and sadness for many years and I just grew to hate myself and lose respect for myself. Please know that there is so much love and support for you out there, from the Universe and from your higher power. We must believe that we deserve more. The beautiful women of this site support you. You are not Alone!
Neff says
When your stove broke, he says we can’t afford one now but in a few months, divided in 6 payments – then goes and books a week in Malorca in a single payment. For himself. With his friends.
Mathi says
Neff,
Yet another sign your husband is immature. Your husband has not yet become a family man. This is the reason why he is still spending money on friends. Do not allow him to be selfish to his needs alone. You have all the rights in the world to question him. But do not yell and confront him even though you want to. Immense patience on your part is the need of the hour. He should be made to realize that his family should get his top priority.
grace says
I am married for almost 5years…right now am 8months pregnant and my husband can’t even help with house chores …anytime we have an issue he has to break things …phones ,glasses….He is dumb I think cause he does not even understand things easily he always gets things the opposite of what one actually means…I fear him and I even communicating any of my problems with him…Every time communicate he always says that I don’t appreciate him …I really need someone to talk to coz I feel alone…imagine when he is angry he mistreat our almost 3 year old son
Mathi says
Grace,
A very tough life indeed. Your husband is plain immature. Do you know that men resort to temperamental tantrums to escape duties? Does your husband have a permanent job? Immature men jump in and out of jobs as they are not confident to face problems. You should not allow him to ill treat your small son. Your son will develop future complexities if he lives through an abusive childhood. Now is the time for you to act. Never bow to your husband’s immature behavior. You are pregnant and he might hurt you. Be very careful and take good care of yourself. Never shout back at him when he behaves in an unreasonable manner. It might affect your health. Move away from the place. If your parents live nearby you can go stay with them. Give him an ultimatum that unless he rectifies himself your marriage can never survive.
Ann says
I know it can be hard to leave. I was scared of what it might be like to be alone with four children and how it would affect them if we were divorced, so I tolerated my my husband. I threatened to divorce him because he was drinking and unkind to our children. When I felt that nothing could be worse than the life I was living, I didn’t feel scared anymore. His behavior has improved overall, but he is still very selfish, and it’s a constant battle to stand up and speak my mind. For all the women out there, if you or your children are being physically abused, be very careful. It is not just about speaking your mind you need to get away, and go to a safe place. We weren’t put on this earth to be abused by other person. We are children of God and we deserve better.
Lily says
U are not alone on this one, the only difference is that our son becomes his best friend.
Jennifer says
I finally realized this was the problem just a few days ago…we have been married for 8 years and things have not changed. I have been making excuses for him this entire time. He sits and watches TV and does not engage in activities with our 7 yr old son. He only worries a out his needs and only is worried about what is for dinner. I make all the decisions in our lives. I get distracted from our issues but when there is nothing to distract me I get so angry at our situation…this is not the life that I want.
Mathi says
Jennifer,
Most men never understand the emotional needs of his wife.You are not the only one facing such a situation. It happens in most marriages. But you cannot allow your husband to have all the fun while you have to slog it out. Allocate household chores between you. Be very firm in it. Appreciate him when he takes care of your son. Appreciation can work wonders in your marriage.
Heather says
Been married 8 years and two kids….he is my third grown adult child. I go from a steady patience to when he has absolutely pushed me over the line I let him know – that is it…get away from me, I yell sometimes, but I avoid name calling at all costs – IDK maybe he really wants me to call him names???. It has been a circle dance for about 15 years – that I have got myself into cause everytime I fall for the I am sorry and I will change….I love him when he isn’t a *%$# to me and our children. here is my story. friday was my birthday and what started out as a nice day (i have to believe God is testing me) he managed to yell at me in front of both of our families and when I asked him not to kick or step on one of my holiday decorations that fell on the floor – he looked at me in front of our collective families and said it has been falling down all month and kicked it to the corner and broke it. I know this is bad because his Father felt compelled to comfort me and stopped by the house to check on me the following day. We did have a break through cause this time he acknowledged that he lost his cool and apologized before I said anything to him. (well i did whisper in is ear shortly after his breaking my decoration – that you do realize that you look like a total asshole???) usually it is an hour of debate – me in tears or near to it before a meek acknowledgment occurs and he kind of feels sorry. I don’t want our son and daughter thinking this is acceptable so I find the need to be super strong when he attempts to be lazy and not pull his weight…. I dont say anything to him, i just say kids, it takes a team to get things done and it doesn’t matter if other people don’t participate – you find a team – this is the way it works in the real world.
I could go on with examples of this type of behavior. I will leave this nugget, after he has done something wrong – he will go out his way to try and “prove” i am doing something wrong…..it has resulted in the kids saying why are you being mean to Mommy….i cant have this happening….I don’t want our kids feeling responsible for their parents….he on the other hand is oblivious to the severity of this and how it can limit our children growing to their fullest potential. I have not said anything to him as I know it will cause an argument. I will say though if a random stranger says the exact words I say then it is the greatest idea since sliced bread! Further I will say when he needs someone to figure something out for him or make sure he is not being taken advantage of – he seeks me out for help. Maybe I just don’t help him anymore…..
Mathi says
Heather,
I can clearly understand the troubles you face as your husband is just plain irresponsible and unaccountable. You are indeed an understanding wife. It is sad that your husband does not realize the magnitude of his immaturity. He will lose the love and affection of your children. So there are times when you have to be strict with your husband. Never play a mother to him as it becomes his comfort zone. Do not be too protective towards him. Do not do his work. Give him certain duties which you should be firm that he does it. Why do you debate with him when you know he is in the wrong? It gives him time to find excuses to prove himself right. Show your anger through your silence. It is very easy to forgo your marriage, but you will be unhappy. The best option before you is to show your husband that you cannot be taken for ride anymore. Good luck.
Yessi says
Hi what do i do when am trying in my relationships of 3 year’s and have 1 kid by my husben and 3 more work is no problem but money is he selfish to be onest am ready to walk out í try and try and try he cheat on me and haven’t forgiving it only been 5 months and he just ack like it neve happen he never helps with the house or make food it’s had for hem to take care of his on kid í been doing this doble job mom and dad he just a privateer í just see it that way í just feel that i stop loving my hubby whe I have thinks to do he runs but whe he see that am very angry that when he whats to help this is all the time í don’t need someone like that selfish and don’t think live is to shourt í what to enjoy and been with hubby just streets me out í don’t feel that love not because he cheat is because he kill it and not trying to do nothing about it just sorry what do u recommend thank u
Mathi says
Yessi,
As I have always been saying living with an immature husband is nerve wracking. From what you had written your husband seems to be irresponsible, lazy and selfish. It is time you are very very strict with him. He must be made to do his duties towards the family. If you are very forgiving he will take advantage of your kindness.
It is true that you cannot enjoy life if you are burdened with such an immature husband. Do you know about his childhood? Mostly such immature behavior is a by product of abusive childhood. Try to give him a final chance. Make it sure to him that you mean business this time.If he truly loves you he will change for the better. Don’t come to any drastic conclusion immediately. If he persists in making your life hellish, you can stay away from him to show that you cannot be taken for granted. Hope you overcome your unhappiness to enjoy your life as you deserve it.
Chrisanthemum7 says
I just wanted to say that today I was feeling the same way all of you are and this thread really helped me. It is comforting to know that other women are going through this and I didn’t just pick the worst of the worst. My husband had one of the worst childhood’s I’ve ever heard of, and he is absolutely paying for it now. It is an immense struggle to keep him growing towards maturity, though he has made some great strides. Plus he’s younger than me, so I fear that I can’t look at him objectively b/c I’m always seeing his behavior as childlike when it could just be different. Along with all the regular frustrations that come with marriage I thought I really just sunk my whole life by choosing the wrong mate. I appreciate your simple and timely encouragement to each of these women to just hang in there. All that’s needed is MORE of what you’re already doing, and the encouragement from someone who understands to just keep going. I don’t know if one day I’ll necessarily wake up to the man of my dreams, but the work we do as wives is genuinely transformative and uniquely selfless. So we need to take care of ourselves as much as we can and find the time for things that cause us to be grateful and appreciative of our lives.
Mathi says
Christine,
Marriage is serious business. When you have an immature husband you are bogged down by more and more responsibilities. There are times when you just want to let go. Your mind screams for some sharing of your family commitments. Your emotions and sensitivity is often shattered by the complete uncaring attitude of your husband. Your immature husband takes it for granted that you will do everything for the family while he just lazes around.
Abusive childhood is very traumatic and horrible. Your husband is a by product of such a childhood. Your husband is making efforts to improve. It is good news to you. You are very patient and caring. I appreciate your attitude. I am sure your husband will change for the better. Your love can make it done. Never give up your hope. Good luck.
chrisanthemum7 says
Just got an email notification from this blog, so I thought I’d post an update. My husband and I separated about two years after I posted this, and about nine months later we got back together. It was great having that time on my own, and re-discovering the things that I used to love before our relationship. The split was amicable, he even got a girlfriend, we really thought we were going our separate ways. I got divorce papers, but he wouldn’t sign them. I started to get really spoked by the statistics on divorce and how it pretty much wrecks families and children. I played around with dating sites, but never got beyond a chat or a phone call. Finally, we were just like, “you wanna get back together?” I kinda still wanted to live separately but he obviously didn’t. There were a few things I simply wasn’t willing to go back to, now that I had been on my own for a while and wasn’t afraid to do things without him. I forced him into more responsibility. He didn’t like it, still doesn’t understand it, but he recently got a great job making more money than he’s ever made, and I believe part of the reason is that I pushed him to take more responsibility for the family. The fact that he really values the job and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it is a huge breakthrough. It makes me feel like we are really making strides. He’s starting to listen more, which is encouraging me to communicate more. It’s still rough, but nothing like it once was. We never had a wedding, and I feel a real desire to do something to commemorate our anniversary this year. Because we worked hard and now I really feel we deserve it. Thanks for all you do!
Jega says
I think my problem is slightly different. My husband has the ambition in his work life and working very hard for it. At the same time, never be ready to take family responsibilties. It’s always my brother-in-laws tackling problems, but they do have complaints that being the elder son of the family my husband should care about this. My kindness or love never worked, as he simply says “I will be like this only and I will never change”.
Mathi says
Jega,
It is really funny how men think that earning for the family is their only responsibility. Are you in a joint family? This might make your husband feel that there are people who can take care of family responsibilities. I do not know what sort of family responsibilities he is dodging. Is he overworked? This might make him fatigued and unwilling to do other family work. As I always say, you should be patient for him to change. Your kindness and love will definitely work one day. Never give up hope.
Veronica says
Very good article, Mathi. I hear you, my sisters! Been dealing with a hub like this for 20 years…complex reasons for staying.There is a huge crop of these guys out there, starting with early Baby Boomer generation. If you ever get into conversations with very openly-sharing women, you’ll begin to get an idea of the scope of this problem. In my case, when the honeymoon was over, the honeymoon was REALLY over. The daily alcohol abuse, TV addiction, pervasive slothfulness and sense of entitlement was a nasty shock, and I went into denial for a time…even started drinking during the week myself, in a misguided effort to somehow normalize his behavior. Funny how a switch can be flipped and a great work ethic can be demonstrated on the job, but that is not unusual. Anyway, I would like to share the benefit of wisdom gleaned over these years,
First, understand that your husband is a product of his environment. There is often an element of abandonment or neglect in his history. Something went seriously wrong in his childhood or teen years that stunted his emotional development; it could be traumatic incidents, such as severe bullying or molestation, or something more insidious, like tyranny, manipulation or even spoiling by a mentally ill or personality-disordered parent (more often the mother, but can be the father). Grasping this concept enables you to forgive tour husband which releases you from the bondage of resentment, however, it does not necessarily make day-to-day endurance easier. There is a saying, “hurt people hurt people”, that I recite to myself periodically. Your husband cannot change his feelings and natural inclination to react to them; he is not at fault in that regard. What is within his power to do is decide to hold himself accountable, acknowledge his need to change his behavior, and commit to following through with the necessary steps (primarily, intensive and long-term psychotherapy). The problem with getting these guys into counseling of any kind is that they lack insight, and surround themselves with a Teflon force field that deflects any remotely critical observations about their actions…there may even be an element of repressed painful memories. You have probably discovered that, as verbally vicious as these guys can be, they are incredibly thin-skinned, and cannot handle simple correction or mild criticism.
Second, get yourself into counseling, whether he goes or not. Try to get a referral from a trusted source, rather than the Yellow Pages. A great counselor can make all the difference in your coping and decision-making processes Besides that, an astute therapist may be able to float a diagnosis for your husband based solely upon your description of his moods and behavior. A fair number of these guys may have borderline personality disorder,which manifests differently in men than in women…safe to say that narcissistic traits are present in every one of them. Getting a presumptive diagnosis is helpful for setting personal boundaries and determining how best to respond to your husband’s acting out.. If you have kids, get them into counseling as well–on a monthly basis or so–and keep them in it for at least as long as they have to live in a high-tension home environment.
Third, make preparations in advance of planned or emergency action you may have to take. Get the contact information for local women’s shelters. Try to have a child care contingency arrangements in place, even if the kids just should just need to be removed from the home until an acute situation defuses. Obtain a legal consultation to find out where you stand in that regard, in case you need to move forward with a separation or divorce; this is another instance in which a qualified personal referral is preferable to a Google-generated list. Contact the Legal Aid Society if you cannot afford a lawyer. You will need to quietly get all your ducks in a row before taking any overt action that is likely to infuriate hubby: set up an individual checking account and get an individual credit card for yourself; consider renting a post office box if you anticipate receiving correspondence from a law firm, realtor, mental health care provider, etc.; make copies of all essential documents, save to disc or thumb drive, and store in a fireproof box and also provide to your attorney, if you have one..
Fourth, do not neglect your physical, social and spiritual needs, even though the situation with hubby has imposed some degree of isolation on you. Try to eat a balanced diet and get regular exercise, even if it’s just housework. Get a massage once in awhile, if you can afford it. Arrange to go away every so often (4-6 weeks for me): religious retreats, overnight visits to family or friends, even a motel room for a night. If you can’t manage overnights, look for day bus trips, day retreats and other group activities with people who share a common interest. Develop your relationship with God (this is really #1!) and learn prayers of praise, petition and thanksgiving. Pray for guidance before making any decisions, and ask others to pray for you over your predicament. Consider becoming more involved with the community at your church or whatever your religious center happens to be. Surround yourself with positive people, and engage in activities that uplift you. Read books and online postings that inform, encourage and empower you. Outofthefog.com and Casanova.com (I think that’s it) are excellent websites that focus on personality disorders, but have great general information, too.
Finally, remain strong and hopeful. Remember, this too shall pass!
Mathi says
Veronica,
You have really written a thoroughly informative answer which could help many. I agree to what you say. I think wives suffering from the extreme behavior of their husband should read yours. Experience is a great teacher. And you have learned a lot. I saw a new side of dealing with immaturity. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so effectively.
Ann says
Oh my goodness. I have never seen my own story so eloquently described. How can this be so prevalent? For a time, I felt like the world’s biggest fool for marrying my husband. Now I just think that these men see the beauty and compassion in us that they never received. Maybe they believed it would heal them, but it turns out that they only know how to trash any beauty that they come across. I agree with you, I have survived this long by having a close relationship with God. Thank you for making me feel less alone in the world
Buch says
My husband is otherwise a great guy, but behaves highly immature when things go wrong, or when we fight. He has a drinking problem also… and he uses alcohol for his response. He gets rageful, talks irrelevant things, accuses me of having affairs when i have none. He throws things around. Drives rashfully, Picks up fight with ppl unnecessarily and can say anything about anybody at that time.
He has such episodes every few weeks and it just makes me hate him. He behaves hot and cold with kids… who get confused as to how to behave with him. I feel my kids now dont open up properly when he is around.
I cannot forget all the hurtful things he says during that time. His way to react is very immature. I have tried talking to him in better times how such outbursts are… But he says that I am over reacting . He wants to stay out till late and sleeps till late. Obviously it effects his work and he has no fixed routine. He is obviously no help at home. Its as if he is a guest. He is great with kids as per his mood.. and scolds them if he is not.
Sometimes I feel i cannot put up with this behaviour…
No he doesnt hit me or kids… but i feel mentally abused.
Due to his behaviour I have stopped having friends. He doesnt approve of any… and eventually he blames them. He makes no effort to be social with my friends.
I feel i have lost self confidence.
Dont know what to do…
Is there any hope.
Can i somehow explain and Hope he will change??
Mathi says
Buch,
How can you say your husband is a great guy when he makes your life so torturous? The most important thing that worries me is your children. Children hate such tensed atmosphere at home. They become very aloof and silent if they grow up in such an abusive situation. Yes, you are living through an abusive family life. It is his immature nature that makes your husband have no fixed work routine. He can never be successful if he is like this. I think it is his drinking habit that has made him so unreasonable and immature.Find out whether his friends are compelling him to drink. Try to sever him away from his friends.
Mental abuse is the worst type of abuse as your mind cringes inside in shame and agony. You should try to get him out of his drinking habit first. Do not lose your self confidence. You need it for your children. Why should you stop having friends? If you isolate yourself from friends you feel very lost and lonely. Do not depend on your husband for your happiness. If you lose your confidence you cannot fight against him. Yes! You should fight against his drinking and immaturity before it is too late. Good luck.
jaya says
My husband is immature. and. very irresponsible person. but cares outside girls. And his step mother a lot. He beats me if i argue with him. i lost my pat say anything about.his.parenting skills are very bad. He wants to enjoy. all the time . He is. having bad habits . How to change him
jaya says
He. was having outside afairs but now i am not sure whether he has changed or not. i have a small baby i love him a lot. And i don’t want to leave him because i don’t have my parents. from childhood nd i am in depression. when i lost my sister. now i don’t have physical. and mental energy to deal with my husband. I have no support financialy and emotionally plz give me a suggestion
Mathi says
Jaya,
I feel very sad for you. You say your husband was having outside affairs before. You would know whether he has changed or not through his behavior towards you. You should never feel depressed as it can make your life very problematic. You have to be courageous for the sake of your baby. When you feel miserable it will definitely affect your baby. The loss of your precious one can make you very sad. But life has to go on.
Are you feeling miserable because you doubt your husband is still having affairs or because he is immature in his behavior.
First come out your depression. Talk to your husband in a friendly manner. Be well groomed as this attracts your husband towards you. As years go by you will see many good changes in your married life only if you are brave and confident. GOOD LUCK!
Mathi says
Jaya,
You are making a mess of your married life because you allow your husband to make your life a hell. He cannot abuse you like this. You should not let him take you for granted. Your husband seems very immature. Never allow him to beat you. Show him that you could be aggressive when there is a need. Can you look for a job? Money of your own gives you immense courage to lead your life. There are many jobs available. You should work. Do not be bothered if your husband does not allow you. When you have money you will never feel so depressed. It will give you self confidence. When you meet new people you will feel mentally relaxed. Try to succeed in life. GOOD LUCK! It is you who should come out of your misery. Others can only advice you. You should take the actions. BE VERY BRAVE.
nikita says
My husband tells me..” i want only 3 things from you. 1. maintain your weight , never let it increase. 2. earn and have vision for next 40 years to earn so that u can contribute to fullfill my dreams. 3. Do all the household job . and if you are unable to any one os this properly please feel free to leave me and go. ”
i have been married for 3 months and my life is hell. i cannot eat of my choice and cannot go out of the house , if i dont listen and do what he says he yells at me. he is earning good and doing pretty well in his life but says that he cannot afford to speand a penny on me. he rather spends it on his friends for drinks and parties. if i ask him to come for a 10 mins walk with me .. he tells me to get 5 million cash in his account first.
i dont know this is his immaturity or only money means everything for him . he traets me like an animal. he thinks i have no feeling. we never sit and talk or discuss anything. he just demands and wants it to be fullfilled. his dream is to get a bigger car , a bigger tv, a gaming console , go around places and see the world . and i am the one holding him back from all this if i dont earn and contribute in his dreams . so he doesnt need me. he himself is obase.. 90 kgs with 5feet 7 inches height, black skin and ugly looks. and he tells me to look like a tv model.
i dont know what to do and how to come out of this.
Mathi says
Nikita,
There is every possibility that your husband is feeling very complex about his looks. This is the root reason for his immature behavior. Might be he wants to compensate his lack of looks by earning lots of money. Are you beautiful? If so he feels very inferior to come out with you. You have been married only for three months. Allow things to settle down a bit. But do not be meek as your husband will dominate you in the future. Set your boundaries now itself. Insist you want some freedom for yourself. You should be very brave and assertive to handle an immature husband.
Amber says
My husband will not apologize for anything even if he clearly at fault. He won’t talk through any of our problems and when things don’t go his way it’s almost as if he has a mini temper tantrum and than gives me the silent treatment. He constantly fights and nit picks every little thing I do, and what my 11 year old does to the point my sons psychologist said he is emotionally abusing my son. He doesn’t respect my feelings and will flirt/talk to girls that I have asked him not to. I’m tired of my life being so draining over these little mind games and him not willing to let his ego go and know when he is wrong. He’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but himself, it’s to the point I like when he works late.
Mathi says
Amber,
Your husband shows clear signs of having inferiority complex. He is also acting very immaturely. You are not wrong in feeling relieved when he works late. Has your husband been like this from the beginning? Or did his behavior change recently? Is he facing any problems? Whatever might the reason your husband has no business to act this way. Do not be too meek as it encourages him to torture you. You should never let him abuse your son. You should be very firm and confident in your interaction with him. If you lose your temper or if you cry, he feels sadistically pleased that he has made you unhappy. But when your emotionally strong your husband will feel uncertain to take advantage of you. I hope you are not financially dependent on your husband. Yet another torture.
Anu says
Married over a year and still my husband is childish. Never steady in a job and when he needs money he he wants it from my parents.if he dont get it he fights with me and make issues and blames on me for the issues.he is not caring. He never listens or obeys others advices.when said he gets angry. He is out of manners like a child.he doesnt like people who dont support him even though mistakes are from his side.he is unable to tackle the issues happening.when issues hppen he fights with me and asks for divorce dis has beeb repeating for more than 20 times.i have no hope in him being mature.im a hindu and he a muslim.he parents never agreed me.he has lended lot of money from others and my dad has.to settle it or i should earn and settle.i cant share a single problem with him as he always arrogant and angry.he lies always.he never talks or discuss anything with me.he hides fro no reason.when asked he gets angry.help
Mathi says
Anu,
Your husband is not childish. He is being cunning. Do not ask your parents money to settle his debts. If you do so he will make it a habit. He is angry because he has inferiority complex. No confident man will act the way your husband does. Do not bow down to his anger. Be assertive to tell him to treat you with respect. Till you are submissive he will keep on torturing you. Your religion is not the reason for your marriage problems. The problem is the immaturity of your husband. Make him aware that you cannot be taken for granted. Do not let him have his way from now.
Anu says
Mam, i have told all these. He doesnt like advices.when i say something he starts shouting. He should be praised even he does mistakes. When told about his mistakes in a calm way he says.then go marry another who is mature.i never asked money to my parents.he asks them indirectly or makes me.ask them.im being stubborn for his arrogance.but then he says he have seebs girls but never like this.whatever he says and fights, he contacts any.third party and says i said this, im bad n so much of blamings.he is truly a narcissistic.
Anu says
I have tried all the ways to correct him.adviced, made him understand calmly,consulted psychologist and.psychiatrist. But they all said they cant handle it, he cannot be changed but instead leave him.
Jess says
Hello Martha,
Thank you for starting this blog.
I have an immature husband. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 children (4 yo., 2 yo and almost 1 yo). My husband has come a long way since when we married. Really, I’ve been using your methods for a long time but it is so nice to see some make a website for it and to hear from other women. My husband had his mother leave him when he was 2 and he father never praised him and was a way on work. He was raised by servants. He used to yell and get rough but he stop when I was pregnant with our first child because he really does love children and never wanted to be that sort of dad.
However he still has passive aggressive anger. I often receive the silent treatment. How should I manage this? I run the risk of a temper tantrum if I step on his toes during those times.
Also, we are both catholic and his faith has forced him to dig deeper to be a better husband and father. He recently started to buy me flowers on my birthday and he understands he must provide. Really he would like to change jobs all the time. We have discussions about it almost every day. It is only through my persistence that he stays a bit longer (he has 3 jobs in 4 years). He needs a lot of recognition and praise for it because he still thinks like a child. I am a stay at home mum and LOTS of people in our church community talk to him about how he can’t just leave his job.
My main concern is the development for our children. He doesn’t feel confident in playing with them. I try to show him examples (of myself and other dad’s we know). He does not babysit our children. When I go grocery shopping, I take all three with me. They are getting heavy in the trolley. I would love him to bathe the children (hence a time for interacting with them would be instilled in our daily routine). Often our children ask him for things (papa, can I have my drink bottle? ) and he will ignore them. I have to ‘remind’ him (eg: Honey, so and so has asked you for his drink bottle?) With great patience and sweetness. My children do not like being around him but I suspect it is because he is unresponsive and he does not stop and think of offering our 2 year old a drink or food when she is difficult – really, sometimes she is hungry and he doesn’t understand.
Another issue I have is he doesn’t understand I have emotional needs. He thinks that he can simply talk about himself and if I talk to him about my concerns his answer will be that I ‘need to work harder’, or he will tell me I’m embarrassment to our family or offer horrible discouraging advise. I’ve learnt to stop asking because I’ve had low self esteem for a long time . It is only now I feel more confident. I rely on friendships to get me through difficult times. I am so thankful that I have such friends. However, the fact that i cant really trust him (emotionally) it is damaging to our marriage. I’ve asked him for a date (it wpuld only be 1 hour and know people who are happy to babysit) but he seems to think this is damaging to the children. How can I convinced him that we need to make time together to strengthen our marriage for the sake of our children?
Thank in advance for any advice. I’m so sorry to read what others have to say about their marriage. Marriage is sacred and it’s such a shame to hear of it abused.
God bless
Mathi says
Jess,
I am happy you are working hard to make your marriage work. First about the way your husband interacts with your children. Of course it would be nice if your husband understands the world of your children. But most men never have the patience to look after their children. This is the reason most children depend on their mothers for emotional support.
Initially spend time together as a family so that your children get used to their father. Make it fun time for him. Praise him as a good father. It needs lots of time and patience before your husband changes.
It is his unhappy childhood that makes your husband behave irresponsibly. Appreciate even the tiniest contribution of his. Be very patient and loving. Encourage him. He will definitely change. Encouragement and appreciation can work wonders. Try it. GOOD LUCK.
jess says
Thank you Martha!
Jackie says
My husband doesn’t care to save our marriage that he hasn’t been open to me like he is not my best friend, he feel that I am his mommy.. I am not his “wife” anymore, he has a good job. He had been immature for a long time, he think he is doing fine but others would not tell him that they did not like his behavior even with physical, too. My a graduate college daughter has a boyfriend joined us for the Thanksgiving dinner so he was stuffed, some how, my husband really hit to her boyfriend’s stomach with his fist, I was told, I was so mad, he think it was funny. He didn’t even say sorry at all. Other day, we were on vacation, he yelled at the clerk cashier for not provide our needs, I was not accepting his behavior so I got my older sister and she stopped him. One night for the dinner, he throw his lobster to other’s plate that another guy did not want it without asking if he would like to have it or not. He is not even saying sorry. I think he has immature behavior for long time, his parents kept sweeping all issues under their rug for years, they don’t want to deal with his behavior. We went to see the therapist for a few times, it was not helping him at all so I was told to deal with it and accept who he is OR I leave him. Also of course, I can’t change him, plus he must watch TV all the time, If I bother him, he would mad. He wanted to not be bothered at all. He did not like to talk longer with someone or me. He wanted to make it briefly. I don’t know what is wrong with him?
Mathi says
Your husband is not immature. He is rude. You have let him off the hook for too long. It is never too late. At least now you should act firmly. Tell your husband that you will never tolerate his behavior. Make good your words. Do not mother your husband. Allocate work for him. See that he fulfills it. Do not be submissive. Be very confident and assertive towards him. Your husband will be baffled by your changed behavior. He will realize that he cannot go on living like spoiled kid.
If he persists in behaving in such an immature manner you should act immediately. Move away from him temporarily so that he knows he cannot play around with you. Good luck.
Pooja says
Hi, I married him 12 years ago and I have a 11 year old boy. My hubby is a dentist and he is doing OK professionally and Im in a very senior position in an MNC. I married him knowing well that I would have to live in a joint family. But after 7 years of staying, I couldnt adjust as he is very irresponsible and not even willing to build a home. To him, his friends mattered a lot, and in freetime, its only parties. He enver even bought a few veggies for home. He was never serious about our financial security, never belived in savings inspite of me requseting him to get serious. He is a jolly guy, always cracking jokes and taking life easy. Since he was the only son( has a sister too) he was pampered. I requestd him to move away from joint family assuming that he would become more serious and responsible in life. But he never agreed. After waiting patiently, I was tired and left home with my son to my parents home in the same city. He begged me to come back but never accepted to move out of the house and stay with me and son. He wanted only joint family to which he contributed very less anyway. My FIL, MIL and his grandmom were in his large home with full of servants. So he said he cant adjust to a small flat if we have to take one. I found this very irresponsible and neer came back to him. But we meet one a month, meet for all family functions. he gets to see his son only when I allow. He is not ready to give me divorce. He shows me off on pics on facebook and everywhere very proudly. But never agrees to live out of the joint family. I too never went back. I tried to be strict with him, I begged, pleaded,and finally threatned to divorce. Then he came and stayed in my parents home for 1 year. That too only for my son. Later my FIL died and he again left. He loves my son but he is not able to move out of the house even for him. exact reason, I dont know but its so frustrating. I earn a lot more than he does and my parents are very well off so moneywise I have no issues. But my life has become miserable as everyone calls me a single mom. He is ready to take me to his house but after 5 years of staying separately, I dont want to go. Now my FIL and his grandmom died and only his mom is there so he has an excuse to say he cant move out. So I ordered him not to meet my son. For the last 6 months, he didnot see my son whom he loves a lot but keeps sending gifts and messages on whatsapp asking how he is. I am in good terms with ALL his relatives so I m forced to meet him very often. But after that we are back to our own homes. I dont even know what kind of marriage is this. I dont know if he cares about me or loves me? I heard that he is having an affair with one woman now but Im not very sure. Ours was a love marriage and this man is a good man. But very very irresponsible guy. Im somehow not willing to go to his home and live with such a guy. He beleives in only spending and not saving. BAd example to my growing up son. So I didnot even give my son his dad’s surna,e. But hubby is not bothered. He is always enjoying life. I tried so much to change him but he is extremely egoistic and very arrogant and doesnt listen to me. I tried talking to lawyers about divorce but what will I achieve? No emotional, physical or finacial connection we have for the past 6 years. I dont even know if he loves me. I do care for him but cant go to his home. I cannot change him at his 43 years of age. Nor can I change. Neither of us are willing to adjust. What should I do?
Mathi says
Pooja,
Both you and your husband are wrong. You are being too adamant in not allowing your husband to see his son. It is pure emotional blackmail. Do not do it. Your husband will completely deviate from you. You cannot achieve anything in staying away from your husband. Unless you live as an independent family your husband will never become responsible. I think he is taking life easily because he is well off.
He has no right to insist that you live in a joint family. You are an individual and have every right to decide how to live your married life. Have a friendly talk with your husband. Tell him that you will never come in between his duty towards his mother. But be very firm in insisting that you want to live as an independent family. Joint family thrusts lots of unwanted problems on you. You will mature and evolve as a family only when you live as an independent family. Both should never forget that your son will be undergoing great emotional turmoil because of your incompatibility.
Pooja says
I did try to explain to him what all you mentioned. Not once but for years.But nothing worked. I hoped that by keeping him away from the kid, I can bring him to move out from the joint family but even that did not work. We hardly talk, meet at only social gatherings and my office functions like a couple. He is simply not willing to move out of his mom’s place. He only wastes money on gadgets and on shopping. Absolutely no responsibility. Tried for years to explain but no change.How do I deal with such a husband?
Mathi says
Pooja,
Marriage involves two people. You cannot be the only one to adjust and tolerate everything. Does your husband have no good qualities as a husband? Do you still love him? If you say no to these questions there is no point in continuing your marriage. Make a clean break from your married life. Tell your husband point blank that you cannot tolerate his behavior any longer. You can come out of your marriage and save yourself lots of mental torture. But remember divorce has a finality to it. If you are courageous enough to be a single parent go ahead. Do not worry about others. It is your life. You have every right to decide it.
veena says
Hi..
Im veena… Married for nearly 7 yrs… There is no single day where there was peaceful day with my hubby due to issues created by my mil and sil… Sil left her hubby and stays with us.. My hubby is a blind beliver of sil and mil.. No fault of mine i get insulted and hit both by my hubby and sil…my hubby is not intrested in hav kids as he says he has to care and meet sil kids needs and my mil. When my mom asked y he and sil ill treat me.. He hit my mom.. I forgave him for tar too and have adjysted comprimised a lot to save my relation with him.. But he till date never realised my love.. Hes worried abt his sis not hav hubby but not me his wife.. Not a single pie he spends on me..wants me to be slave to sil and mil..
My mom is suffering from cancer now.. I stayed in hospital one day and both my sil and mil say i slept with someone else and not to come home.. My hubby stayed quite while they accused me.. Im now in my parents place only… All my cloths everytbing is in his house… He still says i dont adjust.. Im shattered and blank. I dont knw how much to adjust..
Mathi says
Veena,
It is fine to say that joint family is good. But in reality it never works. Why should your sister in law stay with you? Your husband can help his mother and his sister. But he cannot expect you to share your life with them. You should definitely have children if you want your marriage to survive. Your married life does not seem to have any happiness for you. Are you working? Are you financially independent? Your husband has no business to hit your mother. It shows he does not have manners. Talk to him. Tell him that if your marriage has to survive he should live separately with you. If he still persists in behaving in an immature manner it is always better to lead your own life. You owe yourself that much.
Smriti says
I am a 25 yrs old. I have done court marriage against my family. Yet we have not started to live with him but in weekends we live together. He akways reacts on very silly things. One day i asked sonething regarding one girl he has searched on fb. He got angry and slaped me. I was expecting for sorry but he did not. Then i came to him after sonetime and i told him that i wil never accept these kind of activity.. we were talking on these topics and suddenly he got very angry and slaped me very hard for 4-5times..it was the first time he has done such a behavior bt he has done so many times very much anger on a very small mistake. i m very much upset.. i cant tolerate.. please suggest me what to do.. we have not disclosed to our parents that we have done court marriage. Should i leave him? Coz at present we are only knowing that we r marriad.. i m worrying that if he can do such behaviour at this time itself then what he will do after some more time. Please suggest me.. completely confuse..
Mathi says
Smiriti,
You are very young and so it is only natural you are confused. If you want your marriage to succeed you should have tons of patience and tolerance. You seem to have a preconceived thought that your marriage would not survive. Tell your parents about your marriage. You will need their emotional support. Tell your husband that you will not tolerate such behavior from him. There is a chance he might change. Don’t do anything in haste and end your marriage. But if you are sure that you cannot co-exist with him it is always better to go your way. Married life without love is worthless.
Lovina says
Lovina,
married for three years now know child. He loves doing the house chores. But argue a lot! scared or having a double mind of impregnating his wife, full of excuses during the fertility period. Questions every of my actions. (Why do you open d door? why is the kerosine so small, put off the bulb, come on, flush that toilet. etc
Always giving instructions, does not want any relationship with neighbors, always down, not ready to listen make a lot of mistakes and shift the blame on me. blame me for his failure. I have talk and talk not ready to change. He only admit after taken a particular steps that lead to his downfall. He learn through his mistake. Makes life boarding and not progressive. Not be in savings etc. so dominating and aggressive. I’m always quiet but lost my confident as he shout and bull me. When ever I reacts he says I am a nagging and contending wife. what do I do
Mathi says
Lovina,
Your husband is not only immature but also pessimistic. I think his failures are making him feel down and low. He is venting his frustration on you to relive his tensed mind. But you cannot always be on the receiving end. Do not lose your confidence as you will become depressive as years go by. You should be firm in making your husband realize that you cannot be tossed around as if you did not have any emotions or feelings. Do not be aggressive with him. But you should be firm enough to make your husband realize that you have a mind of your own. Yes, you are an individual and so should be respected for that. Never be cowed down by the immature behavior of your husband. With time he will change for the better.
Zareen says
I been married for 25 yrs. My husband was an abusive physically on our 1st year to 15 yrs of our marriage.. He changed a lot after he was charge of assault. Years passed our children grew up and now we have 25 yrs old son who has an addiction. Then our daughter 23 yrs old is leaving with her boyfriend. We still have 10 yrs old son that needs guidance and to mold in proper way.
My husband work and has a stable job.
He will cook at home occasionally depend on his mood. He would also love to have a friends over and cook for them as a socializing method.
He loves me dearly and show his care. I need to respond that with love and affection.
But when it comrs to dicipline our children i cannot count on him.
As i said my elder son has an addiction. I believe as the father and the man of the house my husband should be firm and set boundary to my son.
Almost daily i felt frustration in our daily life specially when i tried to share to my husba d my frustration, He wont do nothing but just silent.
His habits is to seat in one corner of the house and be in his laptop and organize his stamp collections. He never plan activity or to do chores at home. He watched me does it. Most of the time if i ask him to be involve to check my elder son or talk to him he refused. At the end we both yell each other then he throw or break things at home.
My 10 yrs old son can watch and feel the atmostphere of the environment. I’m worried if he can also have the complex once he grew up.
Pls advice.
Mathi says
Zareen,
You must be undergoing tremendous mental strain about your son. But why do you want your husband to discipline him? Your son will not listen to him. As a mother you too can talk to your son. It would be more effective because as a mother you can handle this issue more effectively. As for your husband not sharing household chores, it is sad that most men watch their wives slog. So you are not alone in facing such a problem. Do not fight in front of your young son as he will become emotionally upset.This can lead to future complexities in his character.
There are lots of rehabilitation centers to cure addiction. More than that it is good family relationship that can make your son overcome his addiction. Good luck.
J Ionita says
It’s been very hard to live with someone that blames my anger for him doing cocaine for 3 years, having school debt from before he met me and refusing to take care of it. The government is now calling my family, asking for him, since he is avoiding dealing with them.
When I confront him and tell him about it, he tells me I always yell, get angry, I have a black heart and I stress him out. We have a son together and I have worked very hard to keep this family together, but I don’t want to do this anymore.
I kicked him out of the house last year when his drug addiction was out of control and he lived with his parents. I was hoping it would be a wake up call, but instead, his mother blames me for being too stressful to him, I am always angry about everything in life, that I cause issues in the family and cause him to do drugs. While he was living with his parents, all he kept saying is that his mother is controlling him and he can’t do anything and he can’t wait to live with me again.
He stopped doing cocaine, but his out of control behaviour still hasn’t stopped, still not addressing his loans and very abusive when I confront him about everything.
Patience and understanding are the last thing that I am willing to offer at this point. I am consumed and exhausted and I want out.
Mathi says
Jonita,
Drug addiction of your husband is a very tough problem. His out of control behavior might stem out of inferiority complex. No normal person is drug addicted. Ask yourself these questions. Has all your love for him died? Can you bring up your son all alone? Do you feel enough is enough? If yes is the answer to all these questions, I think it would be advisable if you separate from your husband. It is no use living together with his addiction and your lack of patience. Both will end up fighting day in and day out. Think carefully before coming to any decision. Think of your son before doing anything.
Nidhi says
My husband thinks his family is most important and they love him truly than me. He thinks his family raised him and he owes them what he is today. In 13 years of marriage, he never helped me in households chores, raising kid or even lend his shoulder to ease my emotions. Instead I always gets blamed for everything in his life. Wether it’s his moods, depression, health or work. The most frustrating thing is that he never ever listens to my feelings or emotions. Instead I get blamed for bring depression into the home. What should I do? Is this a sign of immaturity or something else?
Mathi says
Hi Nidhi,
Your husband has all the right to think that he owes everything to his family. But he has no business to ignore your emotional needs. When your husband ignores you, it just shows that he is concentrated on himself. Don’t let him treat you like a punching bag. You owe your share of respect from him.
That your husband is prone on putting blame on you for his problems shows that he is not confident and wants you to be his scapegoat. It would do a world of good for your husband if he realizes that it is you who is going to travel with him in all ups and downs of his life and not his family.
PAVANA says
I’ve been fed up with my marriage it’s almost 2 years. My husband is never consider my views or opinions he just wants things to happen from his view point. He is very abusive when I don’t do things according to his need. When I share my views he starts abusing me and just yells and throws whatever is there in his hand. This has created a kind of fear in me about him. I get scared to even share my opinions and views. He always feels that he is correct and I’m the one who always does any mistake. I’ve got an aversion towards him. For him showing love is nothing but lust. He never speaks sweetly or never kind towards me or even if I’ve done something wrong never says it in a kind way.. having sex with him for me feels like very mechanical and no emotions involved. There’s no respect or love from him towards me.
Mathi says
Hi Pavana,
It is very natural for you to feel unloved when your husband behaves in an immature manner. But you should understand one thing. It is your fear that is instigating your husband to be abusive towards you. You owe your husband respect, but there is nothing to fear him. Don’t pick up needless arguments with your husband, but don’t fear to talk about your feelings when he abuses you. Make it sure to him that you will not tolerate his abusive behavior any longer. It is you who have to buckle up to handle this problem. If you allow your husband to continue insulting you, you might find it very difficult to hold your marriage together. So don’t let things drift along like this. Act with courage and make your husband understand that you cannot be tossed around.