Most of you want to change your spouse according to your liking, don’t you?
Do you know it is the root cause to many marriage related problems?
Accepting your spouse as he\she is a simple way to a successful married life.
Brands mature over time, like a marriage. The bond you feel with your spouse is different than when you first met each other. Excitement and discovery are replaced by comfort and depth.’ Gary Vavnerchuk
‘Aunty, I don’t like the way my husband dresses. When I told him to improve his dressing sense he says he does not like it’ my niece complained to me.
‘Does your husband have any suggestions for you to change?’ I asked her with a smile.
‘Yes, aunty he says that my body language is very loud. He insists that I be more composed and calm. It irritates me no end. How can he say so? It is my nature to be vibrant and cheerful. Why should I change myself just because he wants it that way?’ my niece sounded very irritated.
Now who was in the wrong?
My niece or her husband?
Both wanted to convert the other according to their liking.
Do you know that this mentality of trying to change your spouse to your way of thinking sows the first seed of discontentment in your married life?
If you want to change your spouse according to your liking, it never happens
Did you change yourself according to the liking of your parents?
You revolted when your parents tried to mold you according to their way of thinking, didn’t you?
You knew that your parents meant good for you. But in spite of it you hated their attitude.
Because you felt it was against your individuality.
It is basic human nature to feel that you have the right to live your life the way you want to.
The same applies to your spouse also.
How can you expect to change your spouse just because he\she is married to you?
‘My spouse was willing to change according to my liking when we were dating. But after marriage he\she refuses to listen to me’ a common complaint you have about your spouse.
Why does your spouse listen to you during your dating days?
It is the impact of the initial glow of his\her love for you. Everything about you is new and exciting to your spouse. So he\she forgets his\her individuality for the time being. Just to please you.
Do you feel smug that you can change your spouse according to your liking after marriage also?
You will be disappointed.
You will be taken aback when there is a volte-face in the attitude of your spouse after marriage. You are dumbfounded when he\she resents your advice to change.
There are lot of arguments and fights between you regarding the changes you want from your spouse.
What are the common changes you want from your spouse?
- You feel your spouse has bad dress sense. So you try to change his\her way of dressing. It makes him\her feel wild with anger.
- You make fun of his\her way of doing things. You have a lot of suggestions which your spouse never accepts.
- You also interfere in what he\she eats.
- You want to take control of what he\she does in his\her free time.
- You want him\her to change his\her friends circle.
- You want to change his\her way of spending.
How wrong can you be?
Do you know what happens when you try to change your spouse?
When you force your spouse to change according to your mindset it makes him\her rear back in revolt.
So never marry in the hope of changing your spouse. Accept him\her for what he\she is.
When you try to change the way of dressing of your spouse he\she hates it. Your spouse feels dressing according to his\her liking is his\her prerogative.
Very true also.
You have no business to poke your nose into it.
When you insist on making your spouse more organized, he\she feels that you are mocking at his\her style of working.
‘Don’t I have the rights to change my spouse so that he\she becomes a better person?’, you are naturally angered by the suggestion that you should accept your spouse as he\she is.
Of course you can change your spouse for the better – not by your words but by your actions.
Are you wondering how?
Never keep your voice condescending and patronizing when you advice your spouse to change his\her characteristics. He\she becomes resentful that you think him\her lesser to you.
You should sound reasonable and friendly. You should be appreciative and encouraging.
When you appreciate and encourage your spouse, he\she feels that you truly care for him\her.
He\she gradually moves towards being more adaptable to your way of thinking.
So, everything depends on the way you interact with your spouse and not on your advising words.
Words can never change your spouse as it makes him\her feel that you are preaching.
But your reasonable hints and appreciative reactions makes him\her feel your true care. This is the only way to change your spouse for the better.