You find it very tough to handle your difficult husband, don’t you?
Why do you feel your husband is a difficult person to deal with?
- Your husband easily flares up in anger.
- He demands total attention from you.
- He often criticizes everything you do.
- He is very controlling and dominating.
- He still has the old school thought that he is the head of the family. And that you should obey him to the dot.
You are worried about the ways to handle your difficult husband, don’t you?
Are there really ways to handle your difficult husband?
{My youtube channel about relationships}
Yes.
There are.
Let us have a look into it.
1. Don’t be a submissive wife
When you are meek and docile, your difficult husband becomes even more aggressive. He will go any length to control you.
He knows you will not retaliate however much he dominates you, because you are very submissive.
So, the right way to handle your difficult husband is to be confident and assertive. When you are confident, your husband feels apprehensive to rub you the wrong way.
He knows you will not accept his domination passively.
He also knows that if he wants respect from, you will demand the same from him.
2. Don’t keep pleading for his attention
Your difficult husband often ignores your presence, doesn’t he?
Do you plead your husband for attention and love?
Never do this. When you do it, he will know that he has power over you. It will make him feel even more encouraged to provoke you.
Remember that love cannot be pleaded and begged.
Be pleasant and agreeable when interacting with your husband.
But, understand that you have your own self-respect. You cannot go down on your knees to make your husband show his love towards you.
The simple trick to handle your difficult husband is to show that you will love him, but not beg him for it.
3. Understand his mood swings
Mostly you do not understand the mood swings of your husband.
When your husband has work related stress, he will go into his shell. This is his male way of handling his tension and worries.
You must respect his privacy.
Your husband burns out his pressures by keeping silent and glum. When you keep pestering him for reasons behind his tension, he will flare up.
So, keep your distance until your husband has finished licking his wounds. When he comes back to normal, don’t make him feel bored by picking up the topic again.
4. Win his trust
Mostly your husband feels that if he is pliable and flexible with you, you will dominate him. And you prove him right by being nagging and pestering.
This is the reason he is withdrawn and aloof with you. And this is the reason he always seems to be a very difficult person to handle.
Your husband behaves snobbishly to hold away your nagging. It is his self-defense armor.
So, he hides behind a façade of being difficult. When you do not nag your husband, he feels comfortable with you. He will gradually begin trusting you and become less difficult.
5. Communicate with understanding
A difficult husband is always a silent and morose husband. He never displays his love. He spends his time alone when at home. He talks only when necessary.
But the silence of your husband speaks a million messages.
His silence tells you that he dislikes your attitude towards him.
So, don’t be preachy and advising with him. Don’t go into a rhetoric of how unloving your husband is. Don’t keep pointing out his mistakes. He will go deeper and deeper into his shell.
Give your husband excellent companionship.
When he wants to be silent, let him be so.
When he comes to talk to you, be friendly and uncomplaining.
This is one of best way to handle your difficult husband, you know.
6. Give him responsibilities only that much he can handle
Your husband does not have your capacity to handle family issues. It unnerves him when you keep reminding him of his family duties.
Of course, your husband should be responsible. But do not overload him, as he will definitely chip under the pressure.
Help him handle his family responsibilities without ridiculing his incapacity.
CONCLUSION
Handling your difficult husband is tough but not impossible. You should just know some simple tricks.
When you win your husband over, you will be amazed by his loving changeover.
Mrs. Ajay says
Hi Mathi,
I have been married for less than a year. We have already fought majorly 2 or 3 times where he has yelled at me so violently that I cannot even describe in words. He basically hates my parents and my siblings. He dislikes it when they come over or if I want to go visit them. He also never lets me go out alone anywhere.
I used to be a happy confident working woman. I left my job before getting married to him on his request.
He keeps saying things like ‘I own you’ and things like he is better and smarter than me.
Now i feel so drained all the time. I have no self- esteem left. I cannot stand his controlling behaviour. Please give me some guidelines as to how I can handle him/ change his attitude??
Mathi says
Hi,
You did yourself a great wrong when you left your job on the request of your husband. You need financial independence in this modern age. Can you get another job? It will make you regain your lost self esteem.
You have been married only for a year. It takes time for your marriage to settle down. Don’t lose heart. You should never be browbeaten by the attitude of your husband. If you show that you are submissve, your husband will continue to provoke you with insulting words. He has no right to insult your family. Since, your husband dislikes them, temporarily avoid having them in your house until things get settled. But, you can go to visit your parents. It is your right. Your husband has no right to interfere into it.
Don’t feel your marriage is a failure because you cannot decide about it so early. I have known couples who fought like cat and dogs in the beginning stage of their marriage. Now they live happily. So, there is still hope for you. Give time for your marriage to settle to normalcy. Overlook minor faults of your husband. But I think you should be adamant in going for a job. It will change lot of things in your marriage.
Jessica says
I am in the same boat, I am married to a Egyptian man, so controlling he say the same thing, I lose my confidence I lost my self, I don’t even know who I am anymore, he also hates my father who he never meet and my father die from cancer in my arms a few years ago, I am so depress to the point that is killing, I feel you, I am drown, he expect for me to be good when he also keep telling me to give him the green card so he can find a job at the engineering field and he wants to make enough money so he can have a second wife from his country who understands Arabic, and he say he will treat me better and make me more happy if I let him do this, look at this? He is crazy or what ? I am loosing my mind, if you ask me if I am bad looking because he wants paper, not at all I am a very attractive lady but is not the look he still wants more that he can’t handle, I need help please
Nancy says
He is using you. Don’t assist him in getting another wife. If he doesn’t treat you well now he will treat you worse once he has another wife. There is no crime in divorcing a man who is using you. Sounds like he wants you just for a green card.
Jess says
I am in the same boat, I am married to a Egyptian man, so controlling he say the same thing, I lose my confidence I lost my self, I don’t even know who I am anymore, he also hates my father who he never meet and my father die from cancer in my arms a few years ago, I am so depress to the point that is killing, I feel you, I am drown, he expect for me to be good when he also keep telling me to give him the green card so he can find a job at the engineering field and he wants to make enough money so he can have a second wife from his country who understands Arabic, and he say he will treat me better and make me more happy if I let him do this, look at this? He is crazy or what ? I am loosing my mind, if you ask me if I am bad looking because he wants paper, not at all I am a very attractive lady but is not the look he still wants more that he can’t handle, I need help please
J says
I am in the same boat, I am married to a Egyptian man, so controlling he say the same thing, I lose my confidence I lost my self, I don’t even know who I am anymore, he also hates my father who he never meet and my father die from cancer in my arms a few years ago, I am so depress to the point that is killing, I feel you, I am drown, he expect for me to be good when he also keep telling me to give him the green card so he can find a job at the engineering field and he wants to make enough money so he can have a second wife from his country who understands Arabic, and he say he will treat me better and make me more happy if I let him do this, look at this? He is crazy or what ? I am loosing my mind, if you ask me if I am bad looking because he wants paper, not at all I am a very attractive lady but is not the look he still wants more that he can’t handle, I need help please, I am suffering so much, I lost my friends and I can’t even talk to my family because he constantly criticizeds me telling me that the woman in his country are the best woman on the planet that god choose them as the best people on earth and that the woman are far superior than me, he constantly compares me with his exes, he criticizes my nationality constantly, he also has hit me and made me bleed, he also threatens me too if I live him, I am not happy at all I need help, I also want to mention about me, I cook, clean and take care of the house I even buy the groceries, I am so fedup please help, I want to get out
Sneha says
Hi,
I have been married for 4 months now.
I was engaged for 2 year and i have known my husband since I was 16 years old.
It was an arranged marriage on both sides but we did like each other a bit as well.
But i know for sure my relationship is not healthy. I grew up in Sydney and he grew up in Bangalore hence we already had culture clashes. I have changed myself a lot to suit him and make sure he feels comfortable with me. I’ve deleted social media, I’ve stopped seeing my friends, i even avoided seeing my family much because he felt alone when he moved to Sydney. Every time i wanted to see someone, he would say that i am showing off that i have family and friends here whereas he has only me.
I would be fine with just us hanging out but he has a temper that is quite scary.
He beats me, he has given me a black eye, chipped my teeth and bruises are almost too normal.
I want to make this work because when he isnt angry he isnt so bad. As long as i listen to everything he say’s he is nice. I have been diagnosed with depression for the last 2 years and was taking medication, I have been to hospital several times. He says that i am suffering because i have too much ego and i deserve it. Im just so exhausted from pretending im someone else. I want to be happy again, i want to have a life. It is freaking me out that i have to keep myself unhappy to make him happy or else my marriage might break. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this.
Mathi says
Hi Sneha,
You have been doing it all wrong from the beginning. You can only adjust with your husband. When you try to change yourself drastically to please him, you cannot do it for long. I think your husband feels emotionally insecure. This is the reason he is being unreasonable, clinging and demanding.
Why should you avoid seeing your family for the sake of your husband?
Do not do it. You need their psychological support. You will feel resentful against your husband as you will definitely feel angry that he had denied you the emotional bondage of your family.
You say your husband is nice to you when you listen to him. Try to reason with him when he is in a good mood. You have fallen into depression because you have lost your identity. Never allow him to physically abuse you. It robs your marriage of decency.
If you want to feel happiness in your life again, it is time you acted. Be nice to your husband, but not at the cost of your mental peace. If he is nasty towards you, you have to tell him firmly that you will never tolerate it. Start visiting your family and friends. It will in no way affect your family life. If your husband feels so, it is his problem, not yours.
Do things you like. Have your own space. Your husband might retaliate initially, but when he knows you mean business, he will definitely try to change himself. Unless there is spacing, your marriage cannot survive.
You need not be confrontational. All you need to be is confident and assertive. GOOD LUCK.
Diana Mongold says
Hello my Name Diana i been married for 2 years know but we have been together for 7 years….my love story is long due to how we met at first time, i met my husband at online were by we communicate allot and asked to marry me in a first month we started charting it was 2015 february .. i am from Africa and he is From USA he came all the way in my country and we did traditional ceremony .. i trusted him and he loves me so much things change when i got here in USA he got anger issues…he can’t control his anger towards his mom, me or anybody else .. he don’t listen to me but he listen to his friends ..i been try to ask him gently why he don’t talk to me like he used to, but instead he give other’s people attention? he said because i am there always so he got nothing to say to me.. he never been so sweet or get a time to talk to me.. he always want to talk to his friend and he avoiding me around the house …last week we blessed to have a son and to be honest he such a great daddy to his boy but tht never change anything he always on competition, Ego and he never admit he is wrong .. i have never enjoyed my Pregnancy with him or even the baby we have know..he apologize later after causing a confusion and fight ..it happen everytime..even his mom can’t talk to him because of his attitude ..am tired because it has been this for while ..i did all i can to make him understand and respect me..but it hard because he don’t even listen to what am trying to say to him .. am desperately want help how to do before i jump for conclusion.. sometime i want to asl for divorce but every time i look my son i felt bad because i don’t want him to raised with single parent. The situation it becomes worse day by day.. i don’t have a family here all are from Africa i have no body to cry on and he knows it .. my apology for my long Msg .
Mathi says
Hi Diana.
Your marriage is going through the initial crisis most marriages undergo. You say that your husband does not talk to you as much as he did before marriage. This is the complaint most couples have.
Two years is too short a period to understand each other. It will take time for your marriage to settle down. You say that your husband is angry towards his mother also. So your husband might be having other issues which he is not talking about.
Here are some simple tricks. Don’t act servile with him. It will make your husband dominate you. Be friendly and reasonable with him. It will make your husband thaw his turn towards you. You are feeling all the more depressed because your family is not here. There are lot of modern technologies to keep connected with them.
Give time for your husband to understand you properly. When you act confidently and reasonably, your husband will definitely reciprocate your love. But it will take time. Be patient.
Nancy says
How does the situation get worse each day? Does he frighten you? Does he call you names? Hit you? Remember, he will do the same to your child. So, if you feel safe, you can stay and tolerate him. If he is scary or dangerous you will have to do what is necessary to protect your child. Raising a child on your own is much easier than living chronic fear.
Yve Angel says
Hi, we’ve been married for over 7 years now but everyday, my husband only seem to be a new man. Whenever I struggle to understand one of his weak points, he will change to another. I does not and has never liked to listen to me explain or say anything. He sees me as a very inferior person. God I really Love him and has tried my utmost best to let him love me back but he has never
Mathi says
Hi,
You have been married for 7 years and you say you still cannot understand your husband. Most couples never understand each other for a long period of time.It is because you are from a different family background and your husband is from a different family background. So there are bound to be differences. You say that your husband seem to change often. He is not changing. His situation is changing and he is changing his behavior according to it. It is a very natural thing. Don’t worry about it.
You say your husband is seeing you as an inferior person. If your behavior is submissive, your husband will act overbearingly. You should be confident and assertive. You owe your husband respect and in return, it is your right to expect the same from him. When you are assertive your husband will think twice before taking you for granted.
Marilyn says
I am FURIOUS. . This lady has said she is being physically ABUSED by her husband and although you say she shouldn’t accept that please tell me WHERE the words “get out now” and “if he does it again phone the POLICE”
Please be more responsible when dishing out advice yo your readers
I am sure you mean well but please remember women are killed by abusive husbands!
Nancy says
How does the situation get worse each day? Does he frighten you? Does he call you names? Hit you? Remember, he will do the same to your child. So, if you feel safe, you can stay and tolerate him. If he is scary or dangerous you will have to do what is necessary to protect your child. Raising a child on your own is much easier than living chronic fear.
Priyanka says
Hello
Iam in desperate need of advice. My first post doesn’t seem to be posted. I am married for four years. Two of them have been pure hell. In every single argument my husband must drag up the fact he is working to provide for us while Iam doing my MSc. He always spouts hateful and words that hurt deeply and when I reply back firmly iam been rude. He wants to berate me and I just meekly listen to him. At many times I go back to my parents house and am advice to sort out our problems as they are not problems that lead to divorce. He always wants the house squeaky clean with no exceptions. For the past few days we were not talking because of a mistake I committed and apologized for he didn’t accept it. Yesterday he became angry because I went on strike from duties related to him and basically said in a phrases that basically means I hope you get out of my life. I have been sticking around for my son. Now iam at my wits end.
Mathi says
Hi Priyanka,
I feel both you and your husband are being immature.
I think your husband is feeling the pinch of being the sole provider for the family.Might be he is venting his frustration of not being able to cope up with his tight financnial situation by talking about how much he is working to provide for the family. Words said in anger has no meaning. It is superficial.
You can be firm when you argue with your husband. But when you use spiteful words, you are hurting his male ego. And when his ego is destroyed your husband will completely drift away from you.
It is dangerous when both are abusive and impatient in your married life. Your parents are right when they say you should sort out your relationship problems between yourself.
Do you know that most couples argue?
It is a common marriage scenario.
But what is wrong is when you make much ado about the arguments you have.
Don’t run to your parents for advice.
Be patient when your husband is angry. Because whatever you say when he is angry will evoke huge fights between you.
Don’t let your differences become so wide that you don’t see eye to eye in anything. You will hate your marriage if you do so.
I do not know about the nature of your husband.
Is he angry always?
Or does your husband become angry when you do not adjust to him
Marriage without adjustments do not exist anywhere in the world. If you want your marriage to work, you must sort of your differences with your husband.
Priyanka says
To say the truth he skips the phase of anger and becomes furious and this is when we are in an argument. But even when things are calm we have drifted far apart. He usually comes home in the evening and just as soon as he has dinner he watches videos and never bothers to talk to us. I used to initiate the conversations but when I found it just goes nowhere I stopped. This is also a sore point for him…during arguments I don’t talk rudely to him all I ask of him is to respect me and to get his message across without hurting me in the process. And Iam always the first to initiate the peace talks..so to say. What is new to him is whenever I apologize he doesn’t accept it so now I went on strike because he feels entitled to everything and never says one kind thins. Ready to critize but never ready to praise or even give a single kind word.
Nancy says
It sounds like you are a strong person. Continue to do what you know is right. If your husband is not violent, you could stay with him and see if he relaxes after you get a job. However, if you feel abused by his comments and believe that your child would be emotionally damaged by his comments, then you will need to find a way to get your husband to stop the comments for your child’s
sake and your own. PS Housekeeping is not the issue unless you are a complete slob. General hygiene, clean clothes, food, disinfected bathroom, bathed baby, is all anyone can do while she is in college. Think realistically and logically. Be compassionate with your husband’s emotions, but look closely. Is he abusive? Stressed? Selfish? You will be able to make the right decision for yourself and your child. I like the fact that you temporarily went on strike. Stay strong. Be wise. Be safe.
Sriweera says
Hi
I got engaged two months ago and it was through a proposal. It has been seven months that we have got to know each other. I had a boyfriend few years ago and I had some kind of sexual experiences with him. However, I told everything about my past to my husband. But things got very bad after that. My husband gets very angry and blames me very rudely when he remembers my past. he has put many rules on me. He hates my brothers. He always says that my brothers could have protected me from those bad things in the past. So he doesn’t allow me to talk with them. He forces me to hate and curse on my brothers. He has told me not to even smile with other boys and men. He always says that I have no right to live like a normal woman since I have committed a big sin. He doesn’t allow me to do any extra work at my workplace. I feel like a prisoner. Whenever I try to explain the things he says that he suffers a lot because of my past. So I become very speechless and helpless being unable to express my feelings and pain.He also had a girlfriend before but he has never done such bad things as I did. I regret so much about my past wondering why I couldn’t act wisely. Now my present have become a hell. I do everything what he asks me to do and I do them to the word..He loves me a lot but whenever he remembers my past he behaves like a monster. I cannot do even a simple mistake. If I do so, he puts more and more rules on me. He always compare my past. Is there anything I can do? Please give some advice. Thank you.
Mathi says
Hi Sriweera,
It is sad that your husband is not forgetting your past love life. I think you should never have told your husband about your past life. But never mind. It has been done and it is no use harping on what has already happened.
When you are loyal to your husband, you need not feel guilty about your past love life. It is done with. It has no relevance in your present married life.
Your husband has the right to dislike your brothers but he has no rights to say that you cannot talk with them. Your brothers are your blood.
But don’t make it into a big issue.
Your brothers will understand your plight. And when things get better you can always unite with them.
You are an adult and your husband cannot put forth rules and regulations for you to follow. You will eventually become bitter against him. When bitterness creeps into your marriage, you will dislike your husband. It is very dangerous for your relationship.
I think you are allowing yourself to be trampled by your husband. Your guilt is making you feel that you have done a grave mistake. Of course, your past love life might make your husband feel tensed. But not this long. From your behavior your husband must have realized your loyalty.
I think you need to have a firm talk with your husband. Tell him that he need not worry about your loyalty. You should firmly tell your husband that if he keeps going back to your past love life, you do not like it.
Be confident while talking with your husband. Be prepared to wait patiently until he changes. Avoid conversations about your past life. When your husband starts a fight about it, show your dignified anger. When your husband realizes that he cannot needle you with your past life, he will slowly stop torturing you about it.
But as I said it takes time. Good luck.
Jahnvi says
Hi,
I am really heartbroken and devastated right now and I cannot find a right approach to do things. I have been married for less than 5 months it was love come arrange and my husband was the one whose side this was a love marriage and he literally fought with the whole world to marry me. its been literally 3 months now he hasn’t touched me and says he doesn’t love me anymore. I am trying to do all the right things for him but I am basically failing at all. I try to ask him what went wrong he just says I was not the person he was looking to marry plus on top of it he criticizes everything I do and says he wanted a strong woman. I try to be the package deal for him but with so much hate I cannot find the reason to make him love me and it’ s getting difficult everyday. I am so depressed I have no idea what to do.
Mathi says
Jahnvi,
Don’t lose heart. You have been married only for S months. It takes time for your marriage to settle down. Your husband might have built a different image of you when in love with you. Might be he is feeling disappointed. It is just a passing phase. He will definitely love you as years go by.
Since your husband wants a strong woman, change to one.
Men like confident women. So, don’t become too emotional. Don’t cry at the drop of the hat. When you are confident your husband would not dare to critcize you needlessly. Don’t go begging to your husband for love. You deserve his love without having to plead for it. Be reasonable when you argue with your husband. Be presentable when at home. Being presentable is one way of attracting your husband.
Keep a dignified distance when your husband needlessly makes fun of you.
When you stop being too emotional you will be able to handle your husband much better.
Anie says
Hi, I am 32, we have 2 children and 9 years of marriage. We have been having problems now and then like normal couples…. I notices a change in him 3 years back…. He maintained a distance…. I found out he is in an affair…. With his colleague… It was too much for me… I thought IL die… I couldn’t… I thought IL divorce but I couldn’t… But I am unable to accept him as well…. I am feeling helpless now…. I fight with him over anything and everything now…. There is no peace… I feel I am going mad… Will I ever be able to forget his betrayal? Will I be able to live with him happily again…. Moreover Ive become friends with her…. I call her home, we go out etc thinking that they would separate but no….. It’s hell for me…. I ve been a nagging and argumentative wife because of his affair…. Will I be able to get him back?
Mathi says
Hi Anie,
Don’t feel depressed as it is now you have to be brave and strong. If you are sure that your husband is having an affair with his colleague you should not let it continue.
How does your husband react when you confront him?
Does he deny his affair?
Or does he agree that he is having an affair?
If your husband agrees, tell him that you will never tolerate his affair. Tell him firmly that it has got to be you only. If you cry and beg, your husband will never change. You have to act confidently. You cannot let another woman pluck your marriage away from you.
Why do you want to be friendly with the woman?
I don’t see any sense in this. Sever your friendship with her. But before that have a blunt talk with her. Tell her you will not tolerate her affair with your husband. Your voice should be firm and confident.
If the affair is purely physical your husband will eventually feel bored with it. He will never leave you for another woman as he has two children. But loving him after his affair is going to be very tough with you.
At least for the sake of your children you must forgive your husband. If you are unable to forget his affair, you will pick up petty fights with your husband which will eventually destroy your marriage.
But intially put a full stop to this affair. You can do it if you show your husband and the woman that you mean business. This might not happen immediately but your confident approach will do the trick.
Good luck.
Brenda says
So I’ve been married for a year to my italian husband, not sure if it’s because of the culture difference, but I just get so scared when he gets mad to the point I don’t want to hear his voice. I feel like, if I hear all of the stuff he’s yelling at me, that it will haunt my memories. I don’t know why he gets sudden mad outbursts at me for tiny things. I had a very abusive relationship in the past, my ex fiance gave me so much trauma, and I’m getting therapy for it, but if someone gets angry, I start to run away and hide. Ever since I got married, I’ve ran and hid about 11 times, just those times we argued over small things. He doesn’t want me to leave, but I’m just scared, I don’t want to keep running away like this. He’s super clingy and won’t sleep if I don’t sleep. I really love him, but I seriously want to know how I can handle his anger. I know he doesn’t mean what he says, but it just hurts me. I’m just 24, I need advice. I want to be stronger because I actually want my marriage to work. He’s really loyal to me, we spend most of the time together. I just need help on what I can do. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
Mathi says
Hi Brenda,
I think your husband is being temperamental. So, when your husband is angry he might utter degrading words without knowing that he is hurting you. Running away will never solve your problems. In fact it will aggravate the situation. You say your husband is loving and that he is loyal to you. It is a great signal. I think you are linking the trauma you suffered in your last relationship with your marriage. You should never do it. Forget about your past bitter relationship.
If your husband is clingy it means he is feeling emotionally insecure. When you show him that your love will never fade any time in your relationship, your husband will become less possessive.
Happiness and contentment in married life depends upon how well you understand each other. So, understand your husband.
Has his childhood been abusive?
If so, it might be the reason behind his consistent angry outbursts.
You are also very young. This is also the reason you become charged up by the anger of your husband.
You say you spend most of your time together. When your husband is in a good mood, ask him the reason behind his anger. He might open out with you
When you love your husband so much, do not make much ado about his anger. But this does not mean your husband can get away by behaving angrily with you. Talk to your husband and get to the root cause of his anger. If you do so, you will understand him much better.
Mila says
I am tired of the whole thing called marriage, I have put in my best all to no avail, I married my husband when he had nothing. he was good when he had not got a good paying job. He was so nice, I could even say then that I married my best friend. Now a good paying job sets in, all I get is ill treatment. He reduces me to nothing, started cheating on me and even after I found out, told me he was sorry, only to find out a year plus that he still in comminucation with the girl in question. He does care about anything concerning me, i have begin to think all the mr nice guy thing was because he was broke then. Reduces me before his mother and siblings and after all this he is quick to say he his sorry for his attitude towards but before fees months he is back at it again. I am really tired. I feel the best thing is to get a divorce and move on with my life without him.
Mathi says
Hi Mila,
It is sad that your husband has forgotten how much you supported him when he had a mediocre job. You say that your husband has totally changed after getting a lucrative job. You should never allow your husband to use you.
Are you submissive by nature?
If you are so your husband will keep on taking you for a ride.
When your husband demeans you before his mother and siblings, you should not take it lightly. Make your husband understand that you will not take his disrespect that easily. As for his cheating make your husband understand that it has to be only you in his life. If your husband persists in giving your mental torture, stay away from him for some days. I think your husband will change if he knows that you are not a person to be taken lightly. If nothing else works for you and if you feel that you cannot live with your husband, divorce is an option for you. But this should be a last option to you. Don’t resort to it with impatience.
Akuma says
Hello ma, I would have prefer to talk to you on phone.pls kindly send me up phone number .I have being married for 2 years but this marriage I don’t seem to understand my husband b cos I see everything I do as wrong.since he mistakenly allow his visa to expired in his home country. I have try everything humanly possible to rise money for him.i got him a new international passport, send money into his account in Europe in other to save upto the money he need to apply for a new visa.But what he do is to travel the money back to our home country without my knowledge and when I found out he said his brother is in need of the money and has promise to return it which he did not ever return.i even make inquiry about his visa and booked the appointment for him but he cancelled it reasons best know to him.All he keep on saying is his elder who has being making him to send this money back promise to help rise the money for his visa application. Until now he have not given him any money .last year he told him to shift his flight that he will give him money , never did even when we got married he had challenge which he said his brother promise to help still he did not .All the time there is anything financial problem he will say he brother promise to help him.yet he will not.Anytime I tell him up brother don’t want to help you, just take what I have and travel he will not until he assort him self..He alway believe what his brother tells him.currently he is in his state in his brothers house only God knows what is doing b cos he just cancel his visa interview. Reasons I don’t know but probably he will say his brother promise to take him to where they will borrow money.i already told him let me borrow you instead why you go for interview and hear what the embassy will say Also anytime he spend the money I send to his international account he will delete the transaction from his email, even as he cancel his visa he also deleted the email reply from the consulate , which I saw in his trash email.my story is long I cannot write everything. I love to speak to you on phone.i need solutions b cos now I decided not to call him to ask why he didn’t come back as we discussed in other to go for his interview b cos he was said am too proud.bcos I tell him no body in ur family want to help just use this own or take this my advice.
Mathi says
Hi Akuma
From what you have written it seems that your husband trusts his brother too much. And that his brother is not repaying the money he borrowed from your husband.
I am confused as you have only written about the problem regarding your husband’s visa.
Do you have other relationship issues with your husband?
Because he seems to trust his brother more than you. It is strange. Usually after marriage, it is normal for a husband to do things his wife wants him to do.
You must have a frank talk with your husband. If you keep fighting about his brother, your husband is not going to listen to you.
Your problem is not the brother of your husband. The problem in your marriage is the lack of communication and lack of trust between you.
Is your husband loving towards you?
Does he keep communicating with you?
Do you have children?
Unless you talk it out with your husband your problem is not going to be solved.
And unless I know about your relationship with your husband I cannot properly guide you.
The only thing I can advice you now is to have a friendly discussion with your husband about the visa problem. If you are argumentative your husband will never listen to you.
Akuma says
This Is Akuma, to start with we don’t have kids and as it is now we are not communicating bcos I don’t want him to feel am too forward or proud or too authoritative am just tried of his talk of how I look down on him and his people bcos I said no body want to help you , just take what we have and manage it. I don’t really know how I missed it. Maybe bcos I alway want to encourage to be independent or what I can really say.
Akuma says
I will love to have your contact so I call you bcos this typing is really stressful , as it is now all what I wrote have deleted.
Cagirl says
My husband and I have been married twenty years, lately in quarantine he has become very remote, unconnected and argumentative. He nitpicks me, flares up at everything, misconstrues everything I say into an argument. He is always angry. I’ve tried everything, begging him, asking him to be nice, threatening him, trying to speak rationally but nothing will change his moods. When he decides he wants to be nice and normal again, he decides. It makes me depressed. When we moved, he lets his parents and sister move into our basement (they do pay us money monthly) and it was supposed to be temporary but now it’s three years. We don’t have enough money now to move out or have them move out. Sometimes I feel stuck and depressed. Now we are in quarantine and can’t escape. We go through phases where we get along but I can’t stand how he villifies everything I do. I make dinner and he says I let it get cold. I cover dinner in a bowl and he says I did it wrong. I make a joke and he yells at me. I tell him to lighten up and he blows up. I was very sick one day and vomiting etc. and I felt very little concern from him. He lectured me in text about my health. He did does do helpful things but he never expresses kindness or love (at least lately). I’m a part time professor so I make money but not enough to leave him. I’ve never really thought of leaving him until this past year. He has become more and more disagreeable. He is not a lighthearted person. I feel lonely. I feel disconnected. Our child has been scared and camping out in our room. We have no alone time but now in quarantine due to pandemic we can’t fix. I think he’s a good person but he says mean things.and I feel like if I had a spine I would walk out the door. I did go to a hotel with our child last year and it made him mad and he changed but he still doesn’t “get it.” You can’t ignore people, yell at them, pick fights and never look at yourself for months (or years) on end. I love him and he has a good side but he has to snap out of it soon. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing my mind with his terrible behavior. I really would like some advice to get it back on track or keep my sanity. I wish I would have more independence but it’s difficult because my job is from home. Thank you.
Mathi says
Hi,
Quarantine has been thrust on us due to corona virus. So most of us stay at home with our family. For working women, it is a welcome reprive.But for men it is more of a confinement. So, it is common for them to feel edgy and irritable. Don’t pay too much attention when your husband behaves in a a moody manner.
Don’t beg for his love. Your husband owes it to you. Don’t threaten him. It will put him off.
You say your husband has a good side. It is a good sign.
Try talking to him in a friendly manner. It might make your husband like you. I know it is going to be very tough for you. But you have to adjust with your husband if you want to save your marriage.
You say you want your independence. Of course you should have freedom to enjoy your married life. Why do you expect your husband to give you freedom? You are an adult, and you should be assertive enough to be yourself. Don’t expect your husband to give you independence. You should take it. When you act assertive, your husband will think twice before insulting you. One word of caution though.Being assertive does not mean you should not listen to your husband. It just means you should draw your boudaries so that your husband thinks twice before demeaning you. Do not withdraw emotionally away from him. Be emotionally supportive, mentally assertive and behave in a friendly manner with him. You owe your child emotional security. And your child will feel happy only when both you and your husband are compatible and adjusting.
Forgo your bitterness about your husband. And never walk out of him. You stay at home and bring your him to sense. You can do it with your love.
Sarah says
Hi Mathi , I really need help I’ve been married for two years and my husband is completely the opposite of how he used to be and treat me while we were engaged for 1 year . I feel that I am depressed and hopeless I love him but he gives me hard times , he picks up on every small thing I do or say for exemple while I’m cleaning he wants me to do everything his way , and if I’m expressing myself he calls me stupid,immature and says that we are not in the same level .I’m always the one talking about sex and begging for it if I don’t do it he never cares to have sex and since I stopped asking him for 5 months now he actually doesn’t care . I know that he watches a lot of porn and sexcam. I always take care of my appearance but I’m never enough for him . Sometimes he talks with his female friends over the phone or brings them over and makes them food and watch movies with them and he compliments them and laugh with them and I’m just left in the corner like a stranger. No matter what I do I am never worthy for him. Many times I talk with him and he just ignores me and act as like he doesn’t hear me .And when he fights with me about stupid things which happens every other day he stops talking with me and he just goes out and comes home whenever he wants and even if I say I’m sorry he just doesn’t answer or he just starts laughing and leaves the room . When we fight and he asks me stop talking or change the subject I wait until he is calm to discuss what happened in a calm and mature way but he just gets furious. Also he always tell his family and friends all our relationship details and secrets even in front of me. I moved from my country for him after marriage because he used to be a nice person and if he makes any mistake he would ask me forgiveness and he was romantic and shows affection. Now he only talks with me so I can take his dog out for long walks or give him food . When we set together I try to hug him or kiss him he starts playing with the his dog and he would choose his dog over me any day . If I ask the dog to move or anything he would get mad at me and tell me that I am stopping the dog from going to him. He doesn’t like when I talk much and when I just talk a little bit he tells me that I am mad . Whenever he gets mad he says that I am the mad one even if I am just talking and so calm. Another thing that bothers me is him staying up late night everyday and he takes the dog out at 2 or 3 for almost two hours. Next month I am gonna start work and next year I’m going to university but he doesn’t look like he is encouraging me .
Mathi says
Hi Sarah,
It is strange that your husband is behaving in such an aloof manner towards you. It is a harsh fact that most couples find that their partner change negtively after marriage. It is because during love days both put your best foot forward, which is not at all the true color of you or your partner. Love days are more like fairy tale like days. But married life is a harsh reality. full of responsibilities and commitments.
But your husband seems to have drifted too much away from. You should never allow him to be indifferent towards you. Don’t be pleading and begging. Never allow him to bring female friends to your home. It is normal to have female friends, but it is abnormal to leave you out of his interaction with them. You should show that you are not a girl to be tampered with. Be friedly with your husband, but never be servile to him. Have a blunt talk with your husband and tell him that he owes you respect and attention. If he does not listen to you, maintain a dignified silence. Do you know your silence can be unnerving and intimidating if your husband is in the wrong? And it is strange that your husband takes the dog for a walk for two hours. You should have it checked.
Kg says
This year I will be married for 18 years, and I often find myself questioning it. My husband is retired military. From the time I married him he showed me signs that he wasn’t ready for the union of marriage but being a Christian I have continuously fought for my marriage. He is a good man with a lot of bad when I comes to handling me as his wife. I caught him talking to a woman on the internet in the 1st year of our marriage he said it was nothing (I believed him). A couple years later, I found out he was on a dating website, and a few years after that I found a very intimate email he wrote to another woman. That was it I was prepared to leave, by then we only had one child. He begged me to stay apologized and told me it was a very stupid thing he did. Eventually I was able to forgive him yet again. He talks to me harsh at times he puts anyone and everything in front of me and somehow always blow me off when I try to tell him how I feel. Fast forward to now we have good day and bad weeks, I just can not understand why. I try to give him his space watch what I say let him be the man, but what I found is I lost myself. I have been a housewife the whole marriage per his request. I have recently started to do things for myself, better my relationship with God, school for a career, and just a better person all around. But here lately I feel so along, I have not caught him doing anything else in years 14 to be exact but lately he is starting to put other women before me. He’s in group txt with female co-workers he buys gifts without my knowledge and when I try to express myself (I have been nice, mad, calm, prayed before I said anything) in any approach he plays the victim and shuts down will not communicate with me won’t speak when he comes home from work. At this point I just giving him his space keeping myself focus on my missions in life (God, career, children, health). He SWEARS I’m the best thing that happened to him and LOVES me but his action just do not line up. Also he talks to his mother a lot and I know she does not like me. But he swears she do not talk about me.
Mathi says
Hi,
Your husband falls into the catagory of men who likes to play along with other women. As a man he will think that he is not doing any injustice to you. But you are rightly indignant about his behavior. It is very diffiult to make your husband understand how much he is hurting you unless he understands it by himself. It is good that you have deviated your life towards doing things that are close to your heart.
Don’t mind him talking with his mother. It is his right. Even if your husband talks about you, it need not bother you.
Does this mean your husband can get away his behavior?
He cannot. Time will come when he will realize his mistake. Until then you have to wait patiently. Do not be pleading and begging to your husband. Do not show that you will forgive his attitude. Keep a dignified distance. You say that your husband says that you are the best thing that happened to him. He might be telling the truth. And that might lead him to forgo this unwanted habit of keeping in touch with other women who matter nothing to him.
Kg says
Thank you. Needed to hear that, and I will stay focused.
Shilpa says
Hello,
I have been married for almost 10 years and have 2 kids. The problem with my marital life is that my husband is always doubtful. He doubts me so much that I couldn’t even explain and that too with doubts including family members also (I am ashamed to disclose such things). For making him Happy I initially deleted my social media account also but then after few years I started again. I thought with time thinks will change or after kids things will Surely change but nothing changed in this matter. He was even doubtful that if the children I have are his or someone else’s. Apart from this he is a wonderful man, good husband, good father. He is not a bad person but the problem is about his doubtful behaviour. For him I stopped talking to any of my male friends and blocked them. But still nothing changed in this particular nature of his. He is into business so after marriage instead of looking for job, we mutually decided that I help him with his business and which I did but after kids I was not able to give proper attention so he started feeling and told me that I have never done anything for business and therefore I have lost all interest to work with him. And it is very difficult for me to look for job at this age because business experience will not be counted and I will not get also proper job that I am looking for. Moreover I know if I will go out for work, his doubts will increase. Really not able to understand how to tackle the situation.
Thanks,
Mathi says
Hi Shilpa,
It is sad that your husband has such a doubting nature. This can make your relationship tensed and unhappy. But you also say that your husband is a good husband and father.
How can a good husband doubt his wife?
Trust is very important for your marriage to work. I think your husband is feeling emotionally insecure. This might be the reason behind his doubting nature. Social media can wreck your marriage if it is not used properly. Find time to help your husband in his business. This will make you spend more time with him. This will definitely help in making your husband understand you better and make him forgo his doubting nature.
ANN says
My name isn’t Ann, I’ve been married for 6 months now but I’ve dated my husband for 2 years now. Soon after marriage, my husband family moved in with us and are staying with us. But my problem with my husband is he doesn’t want to address his family anytime I express my displeasure with their attitude neither does he listen to my views and suggestions during decision making. Because of this, am almost angry and arguing with my husband every day. This doesn’t make us enjoy our marriage
Mathi says
Hi Ann,
Your relationship problems are indirectly connected to your in laws. This happens in most families. It is natural for your husband to feel protective towards his family. But you too have the right to live your life as you like. If you cannot move away from your in laws to live independently with your husband, you have no other go than to adjust with them. But make sure that you draw your own boundaries so that at least you can be yourself. Your husband should understand you from your point of view. If he does so, you will not feel this angry. I personally feel that joint family will no longer work in this modern world. This does not mean you are isolating your in laws. It will help to do away with many displeasure you might feel against them.
Margarete says
Helped me A LOT. I have bookmarked for I will refer to it frequently. I am Autistic so a lot on interpersonal relations I have to learn how to navigate situations I am not so spontaneously keen to know how to chose the best path of action. He is also Autistic so we are working on intercommunication. I am more adaptable but he is really difficult though a good man I love deeply
Sarah says
I feel bad for you ladies. Some of you are in abusive relationships and trying to find a way to live within an abusive husband. So sad. Staying in these situations could lead to your death or at least a miserable life. A man who loves you truly would not make you afraid. It’s possessiveness. Control. Power. It’s not love. You are trying to figurel these ways to ‘him’ but there are things women deserve. Safety calm respect tenderness. You have selfish mean-spirited men and you are so caught up in living with this it you cannot see clearly. It is like boiling a frog. If you put a frog in hot water she will jump out immediately but if you put her in cool water and increase the heat gradually she will cook to her death. In the beginning your husband gave you cool sweet water.
Hina says
Hii mathi..
Its been 8 years i am married and have 3 kids.my husbnad is sonetimes very nice and caring but after few days he start getting angry on small things like kids are naughty due to thier mischeviousness he start yelling at me and whatever happens he just put it on me i tolerate him but some tym he gets very abusive and i feel very embarras due to his anger issues as i have joint family where other girls are happilly wedded and have a smooth life n my kids are small so they tell stories to others about dad’s fight and his stupid behavior ..i dont know how to handle this because my kids are growing up i dont want to left a scar on their tiny minds..
Mathi says
Hi Hina,
You say that your husband is nice but that sometimes he turns abusive. And it could be very embarrasing for you if you are living in a joint family. You cannot let this continue as you will become mentally tensed and depressed. You must talk with your husband about it. He must be undergoing some problem which he is not sharing with you. Living in a joint family is not an easy joke. Even the situation that persists there could be the reason behind the abusive behavior of your husband. Talk to him and find out the reason. Your husband is thrusting his tension on you because he knows that you will not relaliate as you will be concentrated on hiding your anger from the rest of the family members. You must not let the situation continue. Make your husband realize that you will not take his abusive behavior lightly. Your submissiveness could keep on triggering your husband to behave even more abusively with you. Do not mind about the other members of the family. It is your life and only you can deal with it.
Jessica says
Hello,
I really love this article. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. I believe he is very ignorant and we are not on the same level. He works and provides for his family, he loves his children and adores me. He is not a jealous man, hes actually a push over. I am definitely the more dominant one in the house hold. I love him to death. But I feel like we are not compatible. He is very laid back to the point that the house duties and our vehicles suffer from lack of maintenance and TLC. He’s very quite, does not communicate well shuts down often. I feel alone in the relationship, as a parent, in financial obligations, home and car repairs. It feels like I solely carry the burden on my shoulders. I don’t see any initiative, drive, goals or aspirations. We have talked about the way he makes me feel and he always says hes changing and hes trying but I think hes not trying hard enough. I think if he really wanted this to work he would do more. I struggle because I’m torn between this is all he is capable of and if he really cared he would change. What advice would you give me.
Mathi says
Hi Jessica,
You are not a lone case who feels that your husband should be more interactive with you. Most women are unable to penetrate into the inner mind of their husbands.
From what you have written, it seems that your husband is a quiet person. And it is really tough to know what is going on in his mind. But you have written that your husband is push over. Just because your husband does not retaliate, it does not mean he is a push over. When you dominate your husband, his reserved nature does not know how to react to your dominance. He will definitely not open upto you when you try to dominate him. Men never like their wives to dominate them.
You can do a lot more when you are friendly and reasonable with your husband. Don’t be complaining about his laid back nature. It will make your husband even more so. Talk to him with friendliness and stop too much discussions about duties and responsibilities. Instead remind him about the things to be done and combine with him to do it. You need not carry all your family duties on your lone shoulders as it will make you nag your husband about his irreponsibility.
When you become reasonable and less dominating, you will see a visible difference in the behavior of your husband. He will become more open and frank with you.
Someone says
My mom has suffered the hell out of my father .I am 24 years old and my mom and dad are in their 50s.My father is a doubting husband and a doubting father as well.I have seen him beating my mom,doubting her,not letting her attend some important family functions and marriages,just because my mother is being doubted.She has suffered in silence and also many a times,when I was a kid she used to run in to neighbors and scream out loud.Many a times she used to go to her parents house where her brothers were.But my father has been affected by nothing.Since I have turned from a kid to a girl ,the only difference is that he has stopped doing physical violence to my mother.But only this. All other things are the same.Sometimes I think that how can I change him and then I decide that I should get angry about whatever he does to us but then I say that it’s been 60 years since my father had been believing in this single thought process then how can I change him in just one day.I have read life healing books and tried to manifest things but nothing seems to be working and this whole ugly event of my life has broken my faith in God as well because if God is a supreme power and why don’t he do something for my mother who has this immense belief in him. What to do ??? Suffer in silence??
Mathi says
Hi,
My heart goes out to you and your mother. The behavior of your father is not normal. He seems to be suffering from some sort of complexity. Your mother should not have taken the abuse of your father meekly. She should have relatiated. But it is no use talking about what has happened in the past.
Is your father a working man or a business man?
Is he earning enough for the family?
Lack of money drives some men mad.
An abusive husband is a person who suffers from inferiority complex. Because a man who is positive will not act like your father. It is a good sign that your father has stopped physically abusing your mother.At least your mother has escaped from physical abuse. Your mother should no longer take the abusiveness of your father lightly. She should talk to your father. And she should definitely show her rightful anger against your father. When your mother continues to be submissive, your father will not change.
Another thing I want to confirm is whether you are a working woman.
You should be financially independent if you must talk to your father about his abuse. If you are dependent upon him for money, it gives him power. He will not listen to you. But if you are financially independent, your money will make your father at least listen to you when you talk to him about his abusive behavior.
Gwapa ko oi says
My husband keep doubting me, he told me hurtful words. He always doubting me. Telling me that I have an affair with different guys. And he even said to me things below the belt, that I had sex with a different guys. What should I do?
To tell you honestly, I don’t have an affair, I didn’t even have sex or even hold other guys hand. What should I do.. I’m so stress..
Mathi says
Hi,
If you are faithful towards your husband, you need not try to prove your loyalty to him. Your husband should understand it. He seems to be a suspicious person.
When a man doubts his wife, it only shows what sort of an insensitive person he is.
You need not be stressed.
Just tell your husband that you are loyal to him and that he has to trust your loyalty.
Do not do anything which might make your husband feel suspicious about you. Avoid social media. It is the number one cause for distrust among couples.
Unless there is trust between you, your marriage will never work. Make your husband understand it.
Anonymous says
Ma’am,
I am living with a difficult husband married for 10 years and have a 6 year old son.. just not able to handle it anymore.. when I saw your blog I felt it was for me.. I am confused whether to stay in the relationship or not but I am staying for the sake of my son.. how can I reach out to you for councelling..
Mathi says
Hi,
You can contact me through my email mathisurendran@gmail.com. I would be happy to help you.