Your fear for your mother-in-law makes you fight with your husband about her, doesn’t it?
You mostly find it impossible to get along with her. In fact, your relationship with her is always warring and confrontational. There are also times you have tremendous fear for your mother-in-law.
Why do you have fear for your mother-in-law in spite of being a modern woman?
- Her total domination in the family unnerves you.
- She knows the uncanny trick to control your husband. He is tongue tied before his mother that you think he is a mama’s boy.
- She instigates your husband against you. – You are angry with him when he believes his mother.
- She makes unwanted comments about your family. – Your blood boils in anger at her audacity to degrade your family.
- She looks with disapproval at the way you dress. – She feels your dress code is not according to her family decorum.
- You are non-plussed by her clingning attitude towards your husband. You do not like it a wee bit.
Why does this happen in most modern families?
It is because your mother-in-law never understands that you have more rights than her in her son’s life. She still feels she is the only dominating force in her son’s life. This is the reason she literally clings to him in the name of maternal love.
If she had taken a step back to let you enjoy your relationship with your husband you would have respected her.
But, your mother-in-law breathes down your neck. Her constant presence prevents you from having personal moments with your husband. You also feel she steals your rights over your husband by intruding and interfering into your personal space with him.
Your mother-in-law would never allow you to take liberties with your husband, as she fears she will lose control over her son.
This is the number one cause for the tug of war between you and your mother-in-law. You want her to understand your impregnable position in your husband’s life.
But your mother in law will never allow you the freedom you crave for, as she fears her hold over her son will be plucked away by you.
Yes.
Your mother-in-law will never let go her son.
Your fear for your mother-in-law stems out of the many things she does.
- She literally clings to her son that makes you wild with anger.
- She does not give you the liberty to do what you want for your husband.
- She fears your future dominance.
- She instigates her son against you.
- She gossips a lot about you.
- She will never let you into the kitchen- a woman rules through her kitchen. It is her domain. She will never let the kitchen go to your hands, as she fears it would mean losing her power.
- She emotionally blackmails your husband by her sobbing stories about the hardships she went through in bringing him up. And your husband easily buckles under the impact of mother sentiment.
- You do not converse with her with friendliness as you are irritated by her dominating and intervening attitude.
These are the reasons you feel completely isolated from her.
How did a mother-in-law became a dominating force in the family?
Long, long ago, it was man who earned for the family. The woman stayed back to look after her family. She had no worldly exposure. She never had a mind of her own.
After marriage, the newly married girl naturally came directly under the control of her mother-in-law who ruled the family with an iron hand.
But now times have changed. As a modern woman, you have become very assertive and confident. You are financially independent. You would never be slavish like your yester generation sisters. You want your due. You want your personal space with your husband intact.
Trying to shut you in the cage of joint family makes you feel enraged and angry. This is the reason you cannot get along with your mother-in-law.
You have unnecessary arguments with your husband about your lack of independence. You want to live your married life independently, which is impossible with your mother-in-law around.
You cannot bring up your children, as you desire when your mother-in-law keeps giving you old fashioned advice about child upbringing. You fume within yourself in helpless anger and irritation.
You feel that joint family denies you your rights of living your married life as you like to.
Joint family is a beautiful concept, but only when it is lived in the proper way. In this modern age, no one has the patience to adjust with other members of the family. And patience and tolerance are two key ingredients joint family needs.
Blunders of your husband
Your husband commits the worst blunder of his life when he tries to get the best of both worlds. As a dutiful son who looks after his parents and a loving husband who dotes on his wife, he vacillates in confusion between you and his mother.
He never realizes that it can never happen!
How can he expect two winners for the first spot?
Yes!
Your husband should realize the hardcore reality that his first duty is to you and your children. You are the one who is going to be with him in all ups and downs of his life and not his mother.
Your husband should support his parents financially and psychologically, until the day they live. He should never make them financially deprived. But, he should also not thrust his parents on you.
You have no business to intrude when your husband helps his parents. It is his duty. He is what he is today because of them. So, you should understand that he is duty bound to them. He should help and support them.
When you and your mother-in-law vie with each other to be the power in your husband’s life, he is a helpless viewer of the tug of war between you and his mother.
You cannot thrust your mother in law away from your life just like that. You owe her respect. You should be friendly with her. But sadly, this will never happen as long as you live in the same house.
Your mother in law should realize that her self-respect and self- esteem is at stake when she lives with you.
If your husband insists on joint family, you will eventually lock horns with your mother-in-law. He would never like it.
So, what exactly should your husband do to make you overcome your fear for your mother-in-law?
He should settle his parents in a separate place. Your mother-in-law should realize the blunt truth that her son is your husband and you have more rights over him than her. This does not in any way make her importance in your husband’s life lesser.
When she lives away from you, you can easily overcome your fear for your mother-in-law. Living independently bring in many refreshing changes in your relationship with her. You no longer consider her as your enemy.
You willingly show excellent hospitality when she visits you. You too have the liberty to live your married life as you dreamed of. This what most modern women crave for. And quite rightfully so!
Tasneem says
Hello Mam,
I am a house wife and mother of 3 year old. My husband is out of India and I was also about to leave but lockdown happened and I am stuck here with in-laws waiting for normal flights to start. My mother in law is never happy or satisfied with how much amount of work I do. I work whole day like a crazy but she always find fault and taunts me. She is not happy when I visit my mother’s house she calls everyday to inquire when I am coming ( only for house work) back and My bhabi ( brother in law Wife) always make fun of me in front of everyone and I said her many times that I don’t like please stop but nothing happened. No one wants to understand I feel alone there . Please reply what to do
Mathi says
Hi Tasneem,
I am unhappy at your submissive attitude. Did you marry your husband to become a maid to his household?
You owe yourself some respect. Your mother in law can demean you only if you allow her to do so. Your brother in law’s wife is a daughter in law like yourself. She has no business to taunt you. Show your guts. You should show your bhabi that you cannnot be played around with.
Visitng your mother is your prerogative. Your mother in law has no rights to disturb your stay there. The solution to your problem lies in your hands. It is you who have to decide how to handle this problem. Be confident and show your in laws that you will retalitate if they cross their borders.
Anonymous says
My mother in law always questions and tells me about houseold work when I ask her about going me to my parents house. And even if she allows, she will send me for only 1 night. What should I do and how should I argue on that in good language?
Mathi says
Hi,
You are allowing your mother in law to dominate you. This is the reason, she is dominating you. Going to your parent’s house is your right. You should definitely retaltiate. If you allow her to dominate you, it is going to affect your relationship with your husband. You will fight with him, regarding your mother in law. You married your husband to live as his life partner. You did not marry him to become a housemaid to his family.