I hate husband and wife relationship cos my husband is too bossy and controller .

My husband is also little dominating. He is 15 years older than me. It’s a love marriage and age really doesn’t matter. He thinks he should give me advice may be because he thinks he has more experiences of life than me.

Anyway I am a very independent woman. I respect my husband but I don’t listen to him all the time. Yes he is my husband but I am an individual also and I think he should not interfere in my life beyond a limit.

We have been married for 3 years now……..He has this habit to give me advice on everything…… Earlier I used to listen to him but now I don’t care what he says….
6 months ago I clearly told him that I don’t like his advice on each and every thing and it’s irritating……. Surprisingly, he understood my feelings….Now he doesn’t interfere too much in my life…..

So I think sometimes you have to say your feelings to your life partner clearly then only they will understand…..

If you don’t speak up for you they will keep hurting your feelings….

Communication with your life partner is very important for a happy married life.

Hi Aria,
I think your husband does not have control over his emotions. This is the reason he loses his control over his behavior. You say that he is amazing and only when he is in a bad mood does he flare up. If so, your husband loves you. And since he has a fickle temperament he vents all his frustration on you during his mood swings. So, don’t fear that he will leave you or that your marriage would end.
Don’t take your personal problems to your parents or your in laws. Solve it yourself.
Most men talk hurting words when they are angry, not understanding how much they are hurting their wives. Your husband is doing the same thing. And don’t convey your real feelings about your in laws to your husband. He will not like it.
So, take the anger of your husband as his negative side and feel happy about his positive side and that is his amazing behavior towards you. If you pay too much attention to the negative behavior of your husband you will fail to enjoy his positive side.

Hi,
I can understand your feelings. As a woman, it is natural that you want your close relationship with your parents to continue. And you have absolute right over it. I feel that your husband is feeling insecure about your love. And he is confusing the love you have for your parents as an intrusion into the love you have for him. He is wrong.
But you are doing it wrong by being secretive about your interaction with your parents.
Why do you do it?
It is your right. No one can deny it to you. If your husband feels resentful about your parents, it is his view. You cannot change it. But it should in no way make you feel hesitant to go to parent’s house. You should go to your parents house alone. Don’t take your husband with you. Talk with your parents without fear about what your husband thinks. If you show your fear it will show your husband that he has the power to rule you.
When there are restrictions and domination, you cannot enjoy your marriage. It is time you took action. Be loving and caring towards your husband. But do not let him make you be submissive and fearing.
Don’t be secretive when you contact your parents. You are not doing anything wrong. It is your fear that is complicating things for you. You be your normal and loving self with your parents. If your husband turns abusive, tell him point blank that you will not tolerate it. He might react violently for a while but when you keep doing your thing, he will understand that it is your right to have good relationship with your parents.
You tell me that he is a good husband otherwise. It is a good thing. I am sure he will understand his mistake. It is you who have to act.

Right now, I am married for 8 years with a 3.5 year old daughter with my husband. From day one of my married life my husband doesn’t show positive attitude towards my parents just because they shower so much love and affection on me. Initially, I thought that it was just possessiveness whereas as days goes it turned out to be a controlling behavior. He does not allow me to go to my mom’s place alone or accompany me happily. Even if he comes along, he make sure he shows gestures of controlling behavior even at my mom’s place and does not really get along well with anyone. Since, he being an introvert basically to anyone, my parents took this in a right way initially. He did not allow me to do even a phone call with my mom independently where he always stays and listens what I talk with her and obviously my conversation will be short and in an afraid manner. Later, I developed making phone calls secretly (without my husband knowing) to my mom just to ensure that I am ok at my in laws place after marriage so that they do not get worried thinking about me. Somehow he figured that out and lost all trust with me and that turned out he being even more strict with his behavior in allowing to talk with my mom. He always fears that I may bad mouth something about him or his family to my parents and maybe that is also a reason for not allowing me to talk with my parents. (atleast that is what the reason that I believed and pacified myself)

My mom is very attached to me like every other mom and I also have a elder brother happily married to my sister in law with a beautiful daughter. Initially, I did not mind about my husband’s behavior and did not reveal to anyone. Whereas my parents sensed something was wrong and I always pacified them that this will be alright and I always pretended that I was happily married. My brother also supported me that its up to you to decide and anything we will be there to support you.(after all the events happened as stated below) To be honest, my husband is not ready in accepting the fact that I too have parents/personal life/friends/can show love and affection to them too, Instead, he isolated me from anyone including my friends.

While my husband does not always shows respect to my parents while talking about them to me. But he did not show any signs deliberately to my parents. He respected them whenever we went there to their place and only showed anger to me when we were alone together and typically I hide my tears in front of everyone and tried to be happy that he is only showering love on me.. As I thought everything will be alright as days goes. After few months of marriage, we happened to relocate to US which was very easier for him to isolate me from my parents, he was happy to accept the offer. While I accompanied him and tried to maintain contact with my parents through video call/voice call, most of the times I would have to be afraid to do so since it will be an issue later on as somehow he picks up a fight for talking to them. As being alone and I left my job to accompany my husband, initially it was very difficult not to talk with anyone and I always wanted my mom to be worry free about me as she is very sensitive. This always made me to pretend to be happy in front of her.

This was going on for the first 3 years of my marriage life. In between, even for my brother’s wedding I would have to beg him completely to allow for a week stay at my mom’s place with him accompanying me. Initially, I did not have any thought of separating him rather I always believed that everything will be alright in the end and I also will be happy towards him. He does not have any other issues with me apart from being possessive with me for my family. I also thought after a baby he will be alright.

But after my daughter was born, she was medically fragile for a while which diverted all of these problems for a while. So, we did not happen to visit my mom’s place due to this. After 4 years I happened to visit India along with my daughter hoping everything will be fine for what we have gone through. But things has never changed. I was devastated as I was in the assumption and belief that he would have changed and will understand my wish too just for visiting my mom. The same fights happened for visiting my mom s place and he was always rude and using abusive language whenever I talk about my parents or family or anything else related to them. Somehow I fought with him and made him to stay with my parents for 3 weeks as my parents should believe that everything is fine with me and also I always pretended the same. But even in that 3 weeks, he was not being normal with me while showing gestures if my mom shows affection towards me! Somehow I managed being normal with everyone on top of it!

I always take side of my parents for my husband being this controlling for no valid reason which is a natural behaviour for any women which triggerred him even more and gave an impression to my in laws that I disobey his words always and shouts, My in laws knows everything from the beginning and they were kind of supportive but towards the end they wanted to obey as their son says and was selfish! They did not even bother about my sufferings rather blamed me for shouting on their son. While I do not really meant to disobey where I just ask for my rights and ask justice for their son’s abusive behavior they have no answers for that. He has spit on my face, used bad language, hit me just to make sure that I do not open my mouth again for going to visit my family before we leave India.

After all this happened, I have not revealed anything to my family completely while they sensed that something was going on and I am managing somehow. I decided to stay with my husband for my daughter sake. She is yet to completely get well and I decided to get along with my husband after all this!! But even after all this happened, he has not changed a bit after coming here. He is not allowing me to make a phone call and still being the same. I talk with my mom only when she calls. Only for few minutes, with restrictive behavior. I am unable to be normal. I always fear him. But apart from this part he is being fine with me. Except for this topic he is one of the nicest husband. But I always hate him for him making me suffer for silly reasons which is not acceptable. I always wanted to acknowledge my parents and be normal with them too! But this controlling behavior is frustrating and stressing me a lot. Nowadays I think about getting divorced often as he is not showing concerns for my wishes for my tears for my sufferings, then how will he be able to take care of me and my daughter.

I dont know how to change him or rather stop being weak in front of him. I cannot sacrifice my family for this. I have already left everyone almost lost contact with them and only following secretive text messages/calls whenever he is away. This is not a solution for this and also I think about my daughter future as she will be the one to suffer if I leave him due to this! I really need your advice on this! Every day when I wake up and before going to bed I have always tears about all these thoughts. I cannot go due to my daughter s future rather be in this torture! I am also weak to reveal everything to my parents as they are getting old and something or other may happen thinking about my life! But always they are supportive with my decision! They know that it s me that should take the decision rather than they getting involved which may spoil everything!

Any input from you is appreciated. Thank you maam!

Hi Vidhatri,
You must be financially independent to handle this problem. It is true you have to adjusting to your husband if you want your marriage to work. But not at the cost of your health and mental peace.
There are times when you have to make individual decisions and this is one such occasion. Be adamant about your job.
How can your husband be so narrow minded in this age?
Everyone are humans and should be respected.But if you start your musical classes at home your husband will give you trouble and you will find it tough to handle your classes. I think the school teacher job would be perfect for you. Your husband might object initially but when you show that you cannot be bulldozed your husband will relent.

I think you are being too submissive. You should not have allowed your husband to make you work when you were unwell. It shows that he is uncaring towards you.

Draw your own boundaries.

Talk to your husband about your dislikes regarding his misbehavior with you. Tell him that you will not tolerate it any longer. Of course there will be initial unwanted reactions from your husband. But you have to be steady in making your dislike felt by him.
When he abuses you, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will retaliate. Men who behave like your husband are often cowards. If you are submissive your husband will dominate you, but when you show that you mean business, he will lose his steam.
Good luck.