Do you there are multiple reasons why a daughter-in-law dislikes joint family?
And her reasons for shirking away from living with her in-laws are valid and realistic.
Westerners will never understand the turmoil a woman undergoes in a joint family as it is almost non-existent in their society. But it is very relevant in many Asian countries.
Yes!
Though joint families are becoming rare, it still exists in many Asian countries.
She never feels a family with her in-laws.
In fact, she feels she is being ill-treated by them.
A daughter-in-law feels that her life is dominated and controlled by her mother-in-law after marriage. And she also rightfully feels it is a great injustice meted out to her. This is the reason it is common to see the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law blowing hot and cold.
Are you one such daughter-in-law who feels alien when co-existing with your in-laws?
You often fight with your husband for the liberty of living independently, don’t you?
You feel claustrophobic having to live in a cluttered atmosphere of having your in-laws all around you.
It is not that you hate your in-laws. But when you live with them you feel your nerves creeping in anger and frustration for having to obey the orders laid down by your in-laws. You are angry that you are adult enough to manage your family on your own, without the supervision of your mother-in-law.
It is after all your family, isn’t it?
You also want to get away from the prying eyes of your in-laws. You want to have your privacy intact. You want to live your married life on your own terms and conditions, and not what your in-laws command you to do.
This is the reason you pester your husband to move away from his parents.
Are you justified in moving away from a joint family very soon after your marriage?
You have every right to do so.
It is what your mother-in-law wanted when she was a young daughter-in-law.
How can what was right for her become wrong for you?
Shall we look at the 6 top reasons why a daughter-in-law dislikes joint family?
1. Lack of freedom
The main reason why a daughter–in-law dislikes joint family is the lack of freedom.
Before marriage, you were given total freedom by your parents. You retained your individuality when you were with them. You boldly argued with them when they intruded into your privacy.
You did what you liked when you were with your parents. You didn’t have to put on a pretense before them.
But after marriage, you are forced to live in a joint family. Naturally, you feel jailed as you lose the liberty to voice your individualistic thoughts.
There are family rules which you find restricting your freedom.
You cannot plan a shopping without informing your in-laws.
You cannot go out with your husband as and when you liked.
You have to ask their permission to visit your parents also. This is your last straw as you feel you have all the rights to visit your parents as and when you like.
You feel chained and imprisoned when you live amongst your in-laws as you have to behave according to the protocol of the family you are wedded into.
2. Interference into personal life
You feel your in-laws interfere into your relationship with your husband.
You are indignant when they instigate him against you.
They emotionally blackmail your husband that he feels you are always in the wrong.
You are angry when he behaves a wee bit distant from you when he is with his parents.
You hate it when you have to ask for permission even to go out with your husband.
3. Unwarranted comments about your upbringing
Your in-laws take every opportunity to make unwanted comments about your family as frequently as possible.
It is natural your habits are different from theirs. They take it as an opportunity to have a dig at your upbringing.
You feel enraged when they say that your parents have not taught you how to behave.
You become wild with anger at this unwanted insinuation against your parents.
This is one of the main reason why a daughter-in-law dislikes living in joint family.
4. Restrictions on your dressing
You are forced to change your way of dressing, as there is a dress code in your joint family.
You cannot wear modern dresses as it considered as taboo by your in-laws.
You are furious when your husband supports his parents and insists you dress according to his family’s dress code.
You feel it is pure interference into your personal wishes.
5. No privacy with your husband
You cannot show love to your husband before of your in-laws.
When you have to behave unnaturally distant with your husband, you feel resentful.
You might want to cuddle up to your husband.
But, you don’t do it because your in-laws are there.
You cannot be intimate with your husband as your in-laws show their displeasure, openly and blatantly.
6. You are under constant scanning
You feel every one of your activities is spied upon.
‘What were you both talking about?’ you are asked this question about your conversation with your husband.
You are rightfully indignant.
Buying things you like is your right.
But your shopping also is spied upon.
‘What did you purchase when you went shopping?’ this question is something you hate.
CONCLUSION
Can you see how you are unable to retain your individuality in a joint family?
Joint family was fine during yester years when there were no big relationship issues.
Long ago women never enjoyed financial independence. So, they had no other go than to swallow their agony and live a life of no rights and no privileges.
But times have changed. You have evolved as a confident woman. You can no longer be dictated upon.
When you are financially independent it is only natural that you want live your married life as you like to.
Living independently from your in-laws does not mean you are instigating your husband against his parents.
Do you know living away the resentment from your in-laws does away with many of your resentments and frustrations against them?
You are able to be friendly with them when they visit you. You now easily accept them as your extended family.
Here is the link!
Gayatri says
This is exactly same with with me and this is how I feel sometimes even more. When I say something or comment or even put my thought out they have issue. Not just issue they make sure they talk about me with everyone badly about me. additional to these I have a co-sister
Question is how can I handle this?? I don’t hate them. They are my family they are parents for my husband. II am struggling in between, not knowing what to do. I hate talking to my husband complaining about anything what I feel.
Mathi says
Hi Gayatri,
Be respectful towards your in laws. But never allow them to intrude into your personal space. And living with a co-sister in the same house is not easy. There will be lot of comparisons. There will be lot of partiality. From what you have written it appears that you still haven’t understood the trick of handling your in laws. Don’t confide anything with your in laws. Don’t act servile with them. Be friendly without giving them liberty to bad mouth about you.