Mother in law ! The word itself makes you apprehensive and tensed, doesn’t it?
Why is your relationship with her always warring and confrontational?
Who is in the fault?
You or your mother-in-law?
In fact both are in the wrong.
Your mother in law always wants to the decision maker of the family.
Very wrong on her part!
When her son marries she should understand that you have entered his life to take care of him. She should take a step back so that you can evolve into a good and responsible wife.
If she breathes down your neck you never really understand your husband. You feel she denies you the rights towards your husband by being intruding and interfering. You want to experience the nuances of running your family. But she would never allow you the freedom to live your married life as you like.
This is the number one cause for the tug of war between you and your mother-in-law.
You will never let go your husband.
You yearn to live your married life as you want to.
This is your right, isn’t it?
But your mother in law is an obstacle to it. She will never allow you the freedom you crave for as she fears her hold over her son will be plucked away by you.
Mother in law – Mistakes she commits to make you wary of her
- She literally clings to her son that makes you wild with anger.
- She does not give you the liberty to do what you want for your husband.
- She fears your future dominance.
- She instigates her son against you.
- She gossips a lot about you.
- She will never let you into the kitchen- a woman rules through her kitchen. It is her domain. She will never let it out of her control as she fears it would mean losing power.
- She emotionally blackmails your husband by her sobbing stories about the hardships she went through in bringing him up.
Top mistake you make as a daughter-in-law.
- You are willing to listen to your mother but not to your mother in law.
- You view her every actions suspiciously.
- You do not converse with her with friendliness as you are irritated by her dominating and intervening attitude.
- You completely isolate yourself from her.
What can be done to make your relationship with your mother in law a little friendly?
Long, long ago, it was man who earned for the family. The woman stayed back to look after her family. She had no worldly exposure. She never had a mind of her own. Since she was financially dependent she was totally under the control of her dominating mother-in-law who ruled the family with an iron hand.
Can you imagine this happening in today’s modern marriages?
Joint family is a beautiful concept, but only when it is lived in the proper way.
I always stress that joint family will never work in this modern world. Times have changed. You earn as good as your husband. You are financially very independent. Trying to shut you into the cage of joint family will only make you feel enraged and angry.
You have unnecessary arguments with your husband about your lack of independence. You want to live your married life independently which is impossible with your mother-in-law around.
Your husband commits the worst blunder of his life when he tries to get the best of both worlds. A dutiful son who looks after his parents and a loving husband who dotes on his wife.
He never realizes that it can never happen!
How can he expect two winners for the same post?
You and your mother in law vie with each other to be the decision maker of your family. Your poor husband is a helpless viewer of the tug of war between you and his mother.
I time and again stress that parents should love their children. But they should not live their lives. When your son\daughter gets married you should step aside to let them live their lives. Living in the same house is a big no.
But you cannot thrust your mother in law away from your life just like that. You owe her respect. You should be friendly with her. But sadly this will never happen as long as you live in the same house.
You have no business to intrude when your husband helps his parents. It is his duty. He is what he is today because of them. So you should understand that he is duty bound to them. He should help and support them.
But your husband should realize the hardcore fact that his first duty is to you and your children. You are the one who is going to be with him in all ups and downs of his life and not his mother. Yet another agonizing truth! You cannot bring up your children as you desire when your mother-in-law keeps giving you old fashioned advice about child upbringing. You fume to yourself in helpless anger and irritation.
Your husband should support his parents financially and psychologically till the day they live. He should never make them financially deprived. But he should not thrust his parents on you.
Your in-laws too inwardly long for privacy as they want to live their lives without your irritating presence. Everyone craves for their own personal zone.
Your mother in law should realize that her self-respect and self- esteem is at stake when she lives with you. If your husband insists on joint family your married life will eventually become boring and unexciting. Both cannot enjoy your family life as you will never have the much needed privacy to understand each other.
So what exactly should your husband do?
He should settle his parents in a separate place. Your mother in law should realize the blunt truth that her son is your husband and you have more rights over him than her. This does not in any way make her importance in your husband’s life lesser.
When your mother in law lives away from you there are many refreshing changes in your relationship with her. Your mother in law is happy living her own life with self-respect without being a helpless victim to your sulking presence. You at last have the liberty to live your married life as you dreamed of.