Your manipulative mother–in–law makes you enraged by her audacity to intrude into your personal zone, doesn’t she?
You are furious when your husband does not understand the manipulative behavior of his mother. You often fight with your husband about his mother and the cunning tricks she plays against you.
Your husband turns a deaf ear to your arguments about living separately, away from your dominating mother-in-law, doesn’t he?
Why does your mother-in-law scheme things against you?
Mostly it is because she feels you are a competitor to her monopoly of her son’s love. Your entry into her son’s life makes your mother-in-law feel emotionally insecure.
Strangely, your manipulative mother-in-law wants her daughter to have all the fun of an independent family. But she would never step aside from her son, allowing both to enjoy your married life without her breathing down your neck.
Can you see how selfish your mother-in-law is?
Is your manipulative mother-in-law a bad person?
Not necessarily.
Your mother-in-law might be a good person, but to you she is definitely a pain in the neck – more like a prickly thorn.
Unknown to her, your manipulative mother-in-law displays her mean intentions about you. She is capable of many more things. All she wants is your unhappiness.
1. Your mother-in-law is emotionally insecure
She is jealous that her hitherto clinging son wants to spend more time with you.
She feels you are a competitor to her total control over the family.
She never cares to understand that her son has his own life to lead.
Whatever might happen, your mother-in-law will never let go her control over your husband.
2. Your mother-in-law is a perpetual liar
She lies about you to your husband. She twists the innocuous words said by you to make it sound as though you had insulted her.
When your helpless husband questions you about it, you are furious that he believes his mother more than you.
Your scheming mother-in-law puts on an act before her son to show herself as though she is loving and caring towards you. But she reveals her true calculative nature towards you when your husband is not there.
3. She spies on you
Your daily activities is constantly under the spying eyes of your mother-in-law.
You can intuitively feel her watching you with resentment stored in her eyes.
When you catch her eyes, she pretends to smile at you. Your blood boils because you have seen through her meanness towards you.
4. She interferes into the personal time you have with your husband
She feels your husband is more affectionate towards you and ignores her.
So, she intrudes into the personal conversation you have with your husband. She gives unwanted comments so much so that you want to scream at her to stop.
She keeps advising you about the things her son likes as if you do not know about the personal wishes of your husband.
You are furious that she intrudes right into your personal territory.
5. Your mother-in-law plays the ever suffering martyr
She behaves like an innocent mother to her son.
She cleverly hides her manipulations under a fake smile.
She often reminds her son about the sacrifices she had made to bring him up.
When your husband is around, she pretends to do all the household chores herself. But the moment your husband goes out, she takes time off to enjoy herself.
She fakes tiredness to show her son she is wearing herself off for his well-being.
6. She makes comments which indirectly degrades you
Your manipulative mother-in-law makes seemingly innocent comments about you, but there is venom filled in it.
Your husband as a man never knows the hidden innuendos behind the words of his mother.
You, as woman easily see through her poisonous words.
7. She wants to take control
Your manipulative mother-in-law wants to be the deciding factor in her son’s life.
She wants her domination in the kitchen.
She insists she cooks for her son.
She wants your husband to spend more time with her than with you.
You are furious when she constantly tries to take complete control over your husband.
8. She plays the victim
She is very clever in playing the all suffering mother.
She puts on so much pretense before your husband that you are unable to pinpoint her sneakiness.
She makes you suffer emotionally by being fake and pretentious.
She is an expert in shedding crocodile tears to show that you are the culprit behind her unhappiness.
9. She becomes all-powerful before relatives
When you go to family gatherings, she assumes great power in the presence of relatives.
She knows you will not retaliate against her before them.
So, she passes snide comments about you. She orders you about. Or further still, she totally ignores you as if you didn’t exist.
10. She wants to end your domination in her son’s life
Your manipulative mother-in-law will go out-of-the-way to ruin your relationship with your husband.
She cannot bear to be the second best in his life. Your husband only knows her best side, whereas only you know her meaner side.
Conclusion
Your manipulative and scheming mother-in-law makes your relationship with your husband heated. You know that if she was as loving as your husband says she is, she would give the much-needed freedom to her son.
You can only respect your mother-in-law. You cannot be a puppet to her manipulating strings.
Hasina says
Nowadays mother in law are too accommodative
They tries their level best to maintain peace n calm in the family
.
jojo says
No MIL are nothing but thorn in life. Especially if they are uneducated losers who live on son’s money and every conversation is about money. My MIL never game me food, pretty sure mixed up things as her son was given separate food and was not allowed to share with me. She picks and abuses poor relatives. She is a bad soul who became a widow after her husband died of cancer after suffering all recently. Karma does get you.
Hasina says
Fortunately days are gone.
Now we have much better family scenario.
Mother in law tries her level best to keep calm and peace in the family,
Mathi says
Hasina,
Thank you for your comments. I am not saying that mothers-in-law are bad and mean in character. But it is a fact that a mother-in-law finds her daughter-in-law as a competitor to her hitherto domination in her son’s life.
Daughters-in-law also never feels bonded to her mothers-in-law. This is the reason why a daughter-in-law has all sort of doubts about her mother-in-law.
It is always better to have space and enjoy good relationship with your in-laws than live together and feel resentful and frustrated.
V says
Hit 10 out of 10. Can you please tell me what can we do if we have this kind of MIL.
Mathi says
You have to set your boundaries. Make it known in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate any interference from your mother in law. She will soon buckle down to submission if she knows you mean business.
Marie says
I set boundaries, I address highly inappropriate behavior directed towards myself, husband and kids. I thank my lucky stars that we found a wonderful therapist and are 10 months into that process. It has greatly improved the marriage as well as my husband’s comfort in setting/enforcing boundaries. Unfortunately doing so has only made my MIL more hostile. She recently told us we “can’t tell” her “what to do with” herself. My husband is coming to the realization, after 4 years, that she is never going to buckle down. Myself and our therapist agree. It’s a personality disorder.
Suchi says
After 10 years of suffering silently, I replied back to my MiL, told her I will not tolerate her insensitive comments and she will be forcing me to take a big step if she does it again, which she will regret. I said all this when she was alone with me at home, because that’s when her real side comes out. She started increasing her volume and threatening me, She asked me to get out of the house, I said “I will NOT budge from here and I’ll see who has the guts to throw me out.’
I spoke in a loud, clear and stern voice that if she abuses again I shall stand outside the house and scream at her. That silenced her.
Pls make sure you have such talks only when you’re alone with her, otherwise her manipulation drama starts. And make sure you don’t buckle, Stay strong.
Priya says
This is an excellent advise. It has been 7 years into marriage, 4 years we lived without her and now because she takes care of my son in my absence (I am working) I am feeling obliged. She has understood that this is my weakness and starts snubbing me at every opportunity that she gets. She now doesn’t dare to tell me directly but speaks her sarcastic sentences in air in such a way that her message should be conveyed and at the same time it should not be directed towards me.
Starting from kitchen to infrastructure of the house, everything is in her control. Sometimes I feel like I am a paying guest in the house.
I am willing to move out but my husband thinks this is natural and common in any household and I over think!
Please advise.
Christie says
U are right in all the above points mentioned except for one that she would like to take control of the kitchen.. instead only certain bday that also to portray that she can cook the best would she enter the kitchen otherwise she is the one who like to sit ideal and bitch about daughter in laws to others and accoets spoon fed ..
Mathi says
Hi Christie,
I want to know whether you are having issues with your husband regarding your mother in law or you having issues with your husband?
Your mother in law need not be your issue as she is just your extended family and should be treated as such. Unless you allow it, she can never intrude into your family life. Don’t throw away your marriage for her sake.
You should have a frank talk with your husband about his mother. Tell him firmly that you can only respect her and not allow her to dictate terms and conditions in your family life. If you have other issues with your husband, you can write about it. Then only will I have a clear picture about your relationship problem.
Layla says
Hi,
This article is very precise. This describes my mother in law completely. What I don’t understand is how can you expect your own daughter to live, have fun and enjoy their life but u treat the daughter in law completely opposite. Please could you shed some light on this?
Mathi says
Hi
Layla
Basically a woman is very possessive as far as her family is concerned. So, naturally a mother is very possessive about her son. When her son gets married, the mother becomes green with envy that he spends more time with his wife than with her. She does not understand that her son’s life here afterwards is with his wife. And the daughter-in-law will never let go her husband. This is the reason for the war between daughter in law and mother in law.
The mother in law who is so spiteful about her daughter in law is very partial towards her daughter.
She does not want her daughter to suffer in the hands of a mother in law. This self centered attitude is so woman like. To a mother in law, her daughter is her own blood and her daughter in law is an intruder who had plucked away her kid son right under her nose.
Layla says
We have tried boundary setting with me mother in law. She says she has not done anything wrong and then does things indirectly like asking to go to a family wedding with her, then going off with her daughter there and both completely ignoring me when my husband is not there. When my husband has questioned mother and daughter, they both said they didn’t realise what happened, got busy and side tracked. How would u tackle this? As mother and daughter are doing this together.
Mathi says
Hi Layla,
Dont’ expect things to change immediately. Usually your mother in law will take her daughter as a partner in all the troubles she is giving you. You need not worry about it. Don’t complain about your mother in law to your husband. It will make him tensed. It is your problem.You have to handle it with confidence. If they ingore you in family functions well and good. You talk with people you know. Don’t make a big deal about it. Never let you in-laws know that you are being provoked by their behaviour. It will give them sadistic pleasure. Maintain a dignified distance from them and do your own thing without minding them.
This is the only way to handle the trickiness of your in laws.
Layla says
Hi,
Thank you for your response. I have been married for neatly a decade and have 3 child. I think your right when I keep my distance from
My in laws I am a happier person. The only I mention things to my husband because I notice them treating our child the same way they treat me and it upsets me greatly when my chikdren ask me why it happens. i usually tell my child to direct these questions at their father because it is his family.
Layla says
10 years on. Not alot has changed except my husband has now seen things for what they are. I am wondering what to do for the future with regards to my mother in law abd sister in law. Do I continue to keep my distance? Will trying to build a relationship make things worse due to their manipulative behaviour and the stunts they pull.
Radhika says
My mother in law has all the charterstics as stated above. After a small argument she hurt herself with broken glass. She pretends to be mentally ill. I can see cunning smile on her face . I am scared. I don’t know what to do in this situation.
Please guide
Mathi says
Hi Radhika,
Your mother in law can torture you only when you allow her to do so.
When you allow her to insult you, she will keep doing it. But when you show her that you cannot be meddled with, she will definitely know her limits. Don’t think it is easy. But it has to be done if you want peace in your marriage.
Talk to your husband about it. Be reasonable so that he sees your point of view.
Why should you be scared of your mother in law? Your fear is her strength. Take it away from her by being courageous when interacting with her.
As long as you fear your mother in law she will continue manipulating her son.
You can only respect her. But never fear her.
Christie says
My life has been a hell after marriage .. i have finally decided to take a call coz it makes no sense to torture urself for the person who does not respect your feelings or believe in me.. it’s just waste of time and energy..
Beto says
I agree. My mother in law too, but “moves ” slow and with discretion. I so know her, but her son keeps telling me,: “it’s paranoia”. 10 years ago she made a complaint about me to her son, know that we all were there. My sister in law is a lot worse, trust me. We’ve been together for 23 years and half. Mother in the past, on the phone crys cos financial issues (her husband is a ex MD), £700 garage bill to be paid.. Tears and tears, my husband sent the money… Sister also makes calls about her finances, its not sort it, she crying say things like that may bad things happen or similar things, my husband puts the phone down and say, I’m worried about her, liking her self. This is the tip of the ice berg I’ve been living with my my “ex mother in law”, also Sister worse, brother in law kind of ok. I feel so lonely in a strange place… Far from my whole family living abroad. Had my break downs. Got a WhatsApp message, less than 48 hours before my 2019 birthday, message from him : “all all over”. Felt sick, slept in the “shed” /Summer House “. Not much has chance… Sadly!
Mathi says
Hi,
You must understand that your in laws are not exactly your family. They are your extended family. And should remain so. It is only natural that your husband wants to help his family financially. There is nothing wrong in that. But you need to set your boundaries with your in laws. Don’t keep thinking about their closeness with your husband. But make sure that it in no way intrudes into your family life. Your husband will soon realize that his future is with you and not with his family.
Ramya says
This is so true… I personally have this experience.. She tries to cheat my parents and take away the house. she will do anything in life for money.. Pretends in front of her sons.. The other DIL is in pathetic state. She treats her like a slave and keeps hurting her saying her son will roam with others she has to keep quiet, she has spared her life and marriage and she should be grateful so on! My husband gave her money without even letting me know and maintains all the things he does for her secretly.. I now suspect him as well to have a hidden agenda.. Since I am well settled and earning well, they are behind me as a family.. ! Other DIL is very sober so she is literally torturing her every day!
Alaina says
This was completely exact. Rigjt down to the fact my mother in law told me I “took him” from her. She is constantly asking for money. After her husband left her a frw years ago she has had endless phone sessions with my husband trying to get him to take sides as well as adding to the already strain in our marriage due to her 10 years of her..
We had to elope and she still to this day wants to be center of attention. She has ruined many special events and has to be left out or she will take over. It is to the point I want to leave my husband since he will not tell her how much she actually is a bother. She has pulled my hair tried to take our kids she needs legal action against her yet he still puts up with it. She will not go away even after my husband’s dad asked her to leave she moved in with their adult daughter took over her new baby and continues control efforts over the phone with my husband. I can not stamd this woman she even went as far as trying to dress like me and stole my sunglasses one day imitating my behavior kissing up to my husband thinking it would win his attention..
She is weird as ever mind of a child yet can out do anyone by going to church and cooking and pretending to be on the up. I come from a formal upper class family and completely know better she resents me seeing through her..
How do we move forward from her destruction of our lives?
Mathi says
Hi Alaiana,
It is sad that your mother in law does not know her boundaries. And you can never be blamed if you keep her at a distance. You should be firm in keeping your boundaries intact. You can respect your mother in law, but you are in no way obliged to let her take over your family life. Your husband should realize that his life is with you and not with his mother. This does not mean he should neglect her. The simple thing he should do is not lend his ears to her complaints about you. As for you feeling that you should leave your husband due to your conflicts with your mother in law, it is wrong. Your mother in law should not be the deciding factor of your marriage. Your love for your husband and your reasonable behavior can wean him away from his mother. Be patient.
AA says
Hi, I’m in a family where every person lies to each other without any shame. Seeing this, I’m not able to see the value of being together.
Though I’m staying far away from his family, they try to take control of my family here over phone. We recently went over to meet them, she has turned my husband totally against me after the trip. He doesn’t love me anymore. He started hiding things from me now, after the trip. He started keeping their conversations secret and she is taking all the decisions now.
I was getting angry and fighting with him before, it made things really worse and he feels away from me. Being helpless, I’m remaining calm now, seeing all of their lies and dramas in front of me. I’m fed up and tired of telling him repeatedly how much it hurts me.
I see no value of telling him things anymore.
Reshana Faisal says
I had the same problem….my mother in law back stabs me and keeps on feeding bad things to my father in law. He is a control freak He in turn abuses me verbally. Finally I lost my patience and back answered them telling them that their game won’t last more. My husband was angry on me because I answered them. But I knew I wasn’t wrong because that was the only option they left for me
Rupa says
My mother in law is a witch .. what are written above it’s all about my manipulate mother in law .. she’s too claver and my husband don’t believe me she plays double game she’s so fake still my husband stands by her side .. some body help how to over come my witch mother in law
Mathi says
Hi Rupa,
It is natural that your husband loves his mother. There is nothing wrong in it and you should never try to come in between the love your husband has for his mother. But when your mother in law tries to make your married life unhappy, you should act. Your husband will realize the fakeness behind his mother as years go by. You too should set your boundaries so that your mother in law feels hesitant to meddle with you. It is you who has to do it. No one else can do it for you.
mimi says
hmmmmmm,,,,,,,please I need a real fact of advice to escape this mother in-law wahala, my marriage is in hell now
mimi says
same here, she is a switch and she uses her witch power to manipulate my husband against me,,,, my name is a prayer worrior now and I don’t know what else to do, please help,,,,,,