When parents interfere in the married life of their children, they literally destroy it by their unthinking behavior.
Parents love you dearly and their world literally revolve around you. But their loving attitude towards you makes them wrongly feel that they can interfere into your relationship also.
Parents do not interfere into your relationship with the intention of ruining your married life. They feel their interference can make your relationship happy and trouble free. They have their experience to guide you – so they feel.
But in reality, the interference of your parents actually aggravates the mild difference you have with your spouse into a mammoth confrontation between you.
It is because marriage is a personal relationship between you and your spouse. Only you know your relationship issues. And only you can solve it. Your parents cannot live your married life.
- Only you have to live through your relationship.
- Only you have to adjust with your spouse.
- Only you have to tolerate the minor differences you have with your spouse.
- Only you have to communicate your point of view to your spouse.
- Only you have to make your relationship work.
Your parents can do none of this.
Then why is it most parents do not understand this common mistake they keep on making?
“How dare your husband say those words to you? Are you so thick skinned that you tolerated his words?” the shrill voice of my neighbor carried through to me.
“He said those words in a flash of anger. He did not actually mean it”I heard Anita, her daughter retorting back.
“If you allow your husband to control you, you are going to suffer. Listen to me. Don’t go back to him. You stay here. Let him come and apologize to you. Then might be you can think of living with him” my neighbor was ferociously instigating her daughter against her husband.
Anita came to see me the next day. Her eyes were puffy with continued crying.
“What happened, Anita?” I asked the young girl worryingly.
“Aunty, I had an argument with my husband yesterday. We exchanged lot of hot words. But our argument was the result of a tension situation we were facing” she said sadly.
I didn’t say a word. I knew that such arguments were part and parcel of any marriage relationship.
“I should have made it up with my husband, but I was so angry with him that I complained about him to my mother. Now she is making it a big issue by not allowing me to go home. She insists my husband apologize to me. He will never do it because both were in the fault. I just do not know what to do” Anita sobbed.
Was Anita’s mother right in intruding into the personal life of her daughter?
She was not.
Instead of advising her daughter, she was being interfering and intruding. She was advising wrongly and needlessly
Anita’s mother is one among the many parents who do not know their limits in interfering into the relationship problems of their children.
Why do parents interfere, intrude and encroach into the personal life oef their children?
Why don’t they understand that their children are mature enough to deal with their relationship problems?
What happens when parents interfere in the married life of their children?
They destroy it
Do you know parents are also a main reason for the spurt of divorce among couples?
Are you taken aback?
- Parents are almost always prejudiced and one sided.
- They give wrong advice to you against your spouse.
- Parents exaggerate the minor mistakes of your spouse.
- They don’t understand that they are exceeding their limits.
“Nowadays parents are very selfish. They are also very self-centered. They hold on to their children and do not let them live their lives” an advocate friend of mine told me.
“Some couples tend to listen to the wrong advice given by their parents and separate from their spouse. It feels bad to see couples listening to a third person to decide the future of their relationship” she continued sadly.
She had a valid point there.
Your parents too are a third person as far as your relationship with your spouse is concerned.
You can ask them advice for some major family issues,but the final decision should always be yours.
You know your relationship problems better than your parents, don’t you?
It is true that without your parents you wouldn’t be what you are now. You owe them your success and stature in society. You should respect and consult your parents in all important decisions of your life.
But your relationship with your spouse and its related issues are all your own very personal problems. Your parents can have no say in it.
If you allow your parents to dictate terms and conditions in your relationship, it creates innumerable misunderstanding with your spouse.
Parents always see your relationship problems from your viewpoint. They invariably point accusing fingers at your spouse.
Your spouse never likes it. In fact he\she resents it.
They fail to understand that they should take a step back from your life after your marriage.
Your parents should also realize that your spouse is there to take care of you.
Here are 7 needless mistakes your parents make
- Your parents are emotionally insecure that they might lose your love.
- They often overstay your hospitality.
- Your parents also give you wrong advice about your in-laws.
- They intrude into your personal interaction with your spouse.
- Parents also make you feel guilty that you do not care for them.
- Your parents hear only your viewpoint.
- To them you are always right and your spouse is always wrong.
These blunders your parents make sometimes destroys your marriage.
Are you from a rich family and your spouse from a lower status?
This is enough for your parents to make unwarranted comments about your luxurious life before marriage and your mediocre life after marriage.
Your spouse is naturally resentful and angry against your parents.
Are you are more professionally successful than your spouse?
Your parents make demeaning comments about how your spouse is no match to your ability.
This is is not all.
They also make yet another mistake.
They often visit your home.
You are after all their dear child, aren’t you?
Nothing wrong in it.
But they overstay their hospitality which makes your spouse feel his\her privacy intruded upon. Their eyes follow you around spying what is going on between you and your spouse.
The mistake often lies with you.
You take your relationship problems to your parents. And they barge in to argue with your spouse in your defense. There is no need to say that your spouse gets wild with anger at your unthinking behavior.
When you communicate with your spouse about your problems it is very easy to overcome it.
Your parents do not interfere with the intention of ruining your marriage. They feel emotionally insecure when you deviate from them to lead your own life. They become a wee bit jealous of the person who now holds your total attention.
What should your parents do?
- Your parents should realize that you have a family of your own.
- They should know that you cannot spend as much time with them as before.
- Your parents should acknowledge the fact you have a more important role to play. The role of a husband\wife.
What should you do to prevent interference of your parents?
- Resolve the problems with your spouse between yourself.
- Never go to your parents with a complaint list against your spouse.
- Do not keep asking them advice.
- Set your boundary lines.
Conclusion
‘The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.’ – Jim Morrison
Does this mean parents are redundant in your life?
Of course not.
They mean a lot to you.
But they should not cling to you for emotional support.
They should let you lead your life. They should be neutral. They should treat your spouse as their son\daughter. They should not be prejudiced against your spouse.
They must know their limits.
Your parents will be loved and cherished by you when they step back and let you enjoy your married life.
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Capt Arun Ekbote says
The answer to the question is NO certainly not,but up to a certain limit.One should keep a watch from a distance to ensure the well being of the daughter/son. One can think of advising and or interfering only if things go the the level of physical / emotional / verbal abuse.The feeling that the parents are there for them to fall back on gives a sense of security and confidence in a troubled relationship.
Sachin says
The mother wasn’t completely wrong. Why does marriage change the most sacred relationship – mother to a child. Should marriage of the child be such a force that the mother watch her child cry through issue and not even complain about it? Is that intrusion? Suddenly, why does husband get the most priority? Clearly I do not see this with sons and parents? Son’s parents do not lose their rights over their son, but instead gain rights on the new daughter-in-law? Since when did this become fair? and ALL THE GIRLS OUT THERE – STOP TRYING TO FEEL INFERIOR TO YOUR HUSBAND – do not change for him, he doesn’t for you. Do not expect to do everything yourself, get your husband to also do half the work. If equality isn’t it, then marriage has no other definition. AND PARENTS, THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ENSURE THEIR CHILDREN ARE HAPPY AND HEALTHY – STOP OVERDRAMATISING IT. It isn’t interference, it is love and care, and be appreciative of it.
ONE DAY, you will lose them and you will stand alone against these fights and would lose that support. Fighting with your husband is one, getting disrespected is another. Harsh words thrown at you, isn’t right.
Mathi says
I can understand your feelings. It is true you cannot sit back and see your child suffering. You should intrude when you feel your child is being abused, verbally and physically. There should be mutual respect in marriage relationship. When your self respect is being crushed, girls should definitely retaliate. What I am implying is that parents should not keep intruding into the minor tiffs your child might have with hisher spouse. This creates wide rift between them. That is the time to step back. But when things go wrong and you feel your child is suffering you have all the rights to question.
callie says
My husband since 1972 has been in conflict with his father over rights, responsibility in society. who he had to obey, even his rights to sex in our marriage the last 33 years. I was requested to keep him in line. for the first two years after his return from three and a half years mostly under water in the navy and let the dust settle with him returning to his UAW civilian position with more seniority than sixty percent of the 7500 person work force.
Within three days of his return home his father and him had been into it three times the second day with my husband actually pinning his father against the ceiling yelling he had hit his last nerve and if he did not see me standing in front of him in two minutes he was going to use his father to tear bulkheads out until he found me. I rushed out with his younger brother and sister to get him to let him down.
The next day I am telling my husband no marital relations the first two years to ensure he did not use his seniority to disrupt the lives of others I the plant , especially the pretty blond crying on his fathers shoulder with only six months he was going to bump to second shift.
The next 123 years every holiday or vacation slot, shift preference or job bid he wanted I was always to get him to back off, they wanted him to take his vacations in mid winter not to interfere with people with children, Holidays and weekends for the same reason. We did not notice the time that past without time off for my husband, it just seemed the arguments over sex, time off and vacation slots and job preferences always left everyone so drained. nothing suggested from taking a vacation in mid winter was acceptable to my husband and it seemed somebody was always crying if he took a day off he was going to force somebody else to miss a daughters recital, wedding, a sons ball game or their first dance. and since we had no children couldn’t he see a way to just work. I would tell him this and he would cut me down saying then give him the same excuse and have a family, or at least let him have the chance for one, those were the vicouse arguments. Then in 2001 He decided family, social and political privilege had no bearing on his work life. He shoved a job bid down every ones throat taking the positions.
His father and others sent the man that wanted the position but did not have the union seniority for it over with three friends to make my husband drop his bid, I locked my husband out by bolting the door shut at 4am in November 2001. The four men made threats then tried to carry through with them forgeting my husbands combat training in two services and his earning of a 3rd dan black belt in the Army. In under a minute with his bare hands he just about killed four men on our porch after the jumped him. I ended up with my ankle broken when our front door and frame landed on me.
In 2009 I let his father take the reservations for the orient express out of his laptop case. and we arranged for The cancelation and remaking of the reservations in favor of a man that worked right next to my husband but had 32 years less seniority have his honeymoon. on the express, His father tried to be fair and I started the process for a five week time in st Croix starting January the second. I thought he had worked 24 years with six days off he could work seven more months standing on his head. I however had been told if I touched the orient express reservations he would break both my arms, So his father did it and even kicked in the cancelation fee, I was going to hold the 6354 dollar check until meeting my husband at his work gate on christmas day and with his usual two sandwiches instead of a ten the ST Croix trip starting in six days and him being gone for five weeks and then taking his 10 days of personal time after we came back. We arranged to tell him he was not going in a TSA office and getting his union to back us, keep him from tearing me to shreds and any one that got in his way, I said I was holding the Check for when I got back, I was arranging a nice surprise for after the first of the year. I said his coworker needed this time because his new bride was going to give birth when they could get a honey moon. My husbands answer was he should have kept his pants zipped it was not his kid was it. He said but then I had not given him a family had I or did he miss something, another jab at not allowing sex for 24 years. that was like a hit to my life. I said he just needed to accept that I had a nice surprise for that winter already arranged, He told me he wanted the money in my shoulder bag my boarding pass and his passport . he said if somebody wanted me to go they could pay my half he was not going to again< He said hurry up getting both because he needed to get to Ohare. I said why he told everyone he was going to catch the direct flight in an hour and a half and meet us starting getting off the plane in Europe and every stop across the continent he would be waiting to make our lives hell.
I did not have his passport his father did and he was yelling be a man and go to work, He could pick it up 15 minutes after we were in the air. I ended up being thrown across the room with my shoulder dislocated and he had to have his fingers being pried of his fathers throat, His mother got mad and went back with him because she did not like the way we treated her oldest son.. things were not nice on that trip, I had to borrow from his father to eat with after my husband took everything else. He was still angry when we arrived back and refused to get us, I was locked out on my hoe and the bank accounts and my husband hide, just seen at work, I even had to do a jail term for theft of 2 months for helping somebody with my husband,
My husband developed MRSA in his spine in October that year.. When most men get a party on there retirement after 35 years of service he was getting a new IV of Vanc into his chest, Getting up everyday for therapy, to learn to use his hands again and learn to walk without nerve impulse in his legs His rehab was A hard three years, It was even lonelier for me. Everything felt he hated me now, He blamed me and his father for the life he was forced to leed.
After a heart surgery in 2012. and three strokes the next month. , I was going to the mid east on the tri year vacation, My husband was laying in his bed, when he said something about last years vacation and getting to go. His father started into him about going to be a burden with his crippling and he was not invited. I should mention the thing that really changed in 2001 was a hole from over his right eye to the center of his head to remove a tumor from his bran stem and around a major artery, that caused adult onset hydrocephalus, His eyes change color with his mood, they were not hazel but steel gray that evening when he flattened his father with a stainless steel bed pan.. I was not allowed to come back the next year and I started seeing an old Boyfriend.
By the time my husband was being released fro rehab the next year I was trying to go no contact, I had set up one last evening with him a week after my husbands return, which was not the way that any one expected, without nerve impulse He should be in a wheel chair. HE walked up the out side steps with a cane.
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I was hoping the next week when I left that a tarazidon and Muscle relaxer would keep him asleep till the middle of the next day But he even watched us leave. When I came home He trapped us in the drive and I asked to take things inside off the street. He cleared the drive and slowly followed us in, MY AP said watch this and before I could stop him he swept my husbands cane started laughing and calling him a pathetic looser. as he struggled to get even sitting up. His eyes were Gray again, He exposed the ice tip on his cane and drew back and threw it at the other man and fractured his scull, dropping him where he stood. I wish I could say it was the affair that caused the rage my husband displayed, The police walked in I was crying in the corner were my husband pushed me when I tried to stop him from doing more damage , but he sat there next to him and every time the other man came too. my husband would hit him with everything he could bring to bear. Screaming whos the pathetic looser now. My husband was taken to a stress center My AP to a ICU..
Hs father and I were called in to talk to his therapist He started the process for various enforcement agencies to start investigating, me, his father, our friends, and the local law agencies that turned blind eyes to my husbands many complaints and in many cases did not want to hear from him after 2001. I was accused of abusing an adult along with huis father. The police and sheriffs departments were asked why many or all of the complaints a my husband lodged, Even though he had prooff they just turned away.
A week latter the weather outside was at a -40 with wind chill factor and The center called for a pickup and return home for my husband. I had his wallet and cane he was wearing everything he was taken in with they had cut his shoestrings.. I don't drive so they called his father, We were planning to go to an invitation only dinner that evening. a social political function that was black tie. His father got very angry that he was being released, Felt the week before he should have got off the floor and gone like a good sport and took the APs hand and told him well I have been beat again, MY husband would have broken the whole arm if he had.
But he suggested building my husbands character and shoving him out the door and letting the embarrassing cripple learn to run. The 20 miles home, This was also added to the investigation, The center was appalled at his fathers venom, I was invited to this event with his father, mother and his fathers best friend. I had just finished getting ready when I heard the door open and close. And walked out of the bedroom to see who just came in, I Instantly knew that things were not going to go as planed that evening, I had run square into my husbands chest and His eyes were gray again.
I thought telling him the truth about the promise I had made about that evening. would just allow some time to get a solution to his anger made. He got sarcastic, Said good I haven't been out in 31 years I can find some clean jeans to wear and we will be on our way. I told him he was not invited and he did not have the black tie outfit to wear any how, He looked at me and told me the only arm I was going to be on that evening was his.
I was trying to offer a 100 dollar bill to pick any where he wanted so everyone could meet in four hours. try and get his many grievances on the table to be addressed. I made an error in my terror and said we can figure out what he would be allowed now. He really blew his top at that point. He was yelling and who did we think we were to allow him a dam thing, I was going to be his wife starting that second weather or not I wanted to be the community girlfriend and tramp. He said He had paid my way for 31 years, and he said and what had I given in return. No children, no home life, I had not kept his home clean fixed his meals, he had not had a life since the day I said I do. I was crying by this point I said if he had just looked for some joy in the time he gave for others, in his job, I said if just one European vacation we allways found a way to keep him from he had just taken us to the airport, kissed me and said have a nice time instead of wishing we would crash into the ocean. Taken the mid winter times we chose and tried to make that time work for something besides telling us we had no say in it.. we could have started the life he wanted decades ago, but his defiance to me, his father and society at large got in the way.
He said Well That evening He was taking his life back starting with my restitution, He was going to have the tramp he had paid for all these years and I wasn't going to say no again. I took for the door because he was in front of the phone to yell for help go next door to get help I had a new400 dollar cocktail dress on ad he reached out and ripped it off me shredding it saying he was not paying another cent for me to go with another man and this was probably costly as well as the jewelry I was wearing He knew how much it had cost when he bought it for me over the years. he said the braclet I was wearing that he bought on his only shore liberty in Agadir Moroco was now worth well over 5000. I was just backing away begging him to think what he was doing, I said I could cancel and tell his father why and bring his anger down on him. but what would that serve, just showing him that my husband was not going to stop being defiant.
My husband said well he had not seen real defiance yet and He said was I going to submit or was he going to force the issue. I was telling him there was no need for this I said we could just slow things down get everyone there that needed a say and try and talk it through. I said a vacation could be arranged the next day if he wanted, that evening could be canceled for this if needed just to try and settle things in peace ( I was going to try and get him back in the center.) HE said that neither me or any one else had a say under his roof, he was the final judge and arbiter, and I was not going to refuse him one more time. He did hurt me in the force. I was crying trying to even ask him to use protection, I knew it had been since before our wedding but I was thinking I had not been celibet. he had no immune system left.
He left for a bit after handing me the phone and tossing a thumb drive down next to me with a DVD RW . Said the number is 911, don't clean up don't pick up its all evedence, He said he expected the police would arrive and he wanted the meal of the condemned man, steak and fries, He Left to go to the store and get it for ten minutes He got back and said well wasn't I going to get them here I said what on these disks, He told me the full scans of 35 years of my journals as well as the logs he kept since the Navy. He said the day he was sentenced for sexual misconduct and taken to prison lets see if he went with his head high and we left the court under cloaks. I knew what was in them, names and dates that could be corobrerated of use of weapons to gain his cooperation, The use of political oppositions to ensure he was not to get his way through friendships his father had, my own blackmail to gain cooperation. using sex denial and all the promises that if he just backed off one more time, I would start a life and family.
He had kept very accurate records of what he had provided me after the wedding. in his logs he would point out what he got every Christmas was two sandwiches and a ten at his work gate while I went out. When I did go to the DA they did get presented to him and his ADA just about told us that they would be admitted even if she had to do it herself, She even said he had raped me once, but we had raped him hundreds of times.. His father was sitting next to me and said how else could we have been able to get every ones needs met, She said It was not my husbands responsibility, As for Me she said in my own hand I had pointed out that I had commited marital fraud and extortion in the millions, We had collectively conspired to deny civil rights and used coercion and force in a conspiracy to maintain an indentured servant. I was crying telling her that it was not meant to happen, it was just to keep life peaceful, She said and did it , I said no from the day he came back from the navy its been war except the vacations.
She said get out she said the next time she would file all the charges, It has now ruined many lives, Families broken because of exposure of private information, The Company and national came down hard on the local way of doing things. All employees are required to sign for Overtime and holiday work if they take it, and there is nothing done except by seniority canvas. Its left many doing things at times they needed other contingency for. there Is only the wants of seniority that rules.
I had a son by my husband after that evening, he's another blade over my neck my husband holds he is now 2 years and seven months old. The Last trouble that occurred was art his mothers memorial service, His younger brother told my husband the real time four weeks ago
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His sister was going to set up a seperat service for my husband at the grave side latter that day to keep people that are angry about how he had things changed from being offended he was there, They stationed a friend of the family outside to stop him after his brother said well I hope you can stop him because he's here. The friend told him holding him with his hand on my husbands chest he was to have a private service later to go away, Everyone coming up the stairs heard my husband tell him to get his paw off him and backed back down the steps The man was twenty years younger and in good shape, He said if he did not what would my husband do, holding his cane he broke the mans arm in several places twisting it over then he looked like the hulk slamming him around off walls and concrete steps then he straightened his suit. Walked in and sat at his spot in the front row as the oldest son. his father started to say something about what had just happened and his brother whispered that at that moment silence was best.
I Have not known any thing I could do about my husband since 2001, I always thought that there was a way to talk through problems and conflict even if it took decades there was never any need for violent action even if forced. My husband has not killed any one yet, He's moved 1230 miles to the west where he's originally from. It surprises me that a nerd that know computers, machines, Could even be considered a rocket scientist, could be so comfortable in a horses saddle, knows how to throw a lariat and. how free he became went he came out here.
All I wanted when we first married was a family in peace, without strife, Now I just pray that nobody else interferes with him. He wont forgive or forget.
Mathi says
Callie,
Sorry for the delay in answering your problem. A lengthy and detailed version of your suffering. Your husband is immature and a very angry person. People who have violent temper should be handled very carefully. You have wasted your married life struggling to make adjustments. Do not confront your husband as he will retaliate. Do not allow any third party interference in your married life. Try to change your husband for the better through your true love. He might change. Good luck.
shwetha says
Hi mathi, its been just over an year since I am married… It was an arranged marriage… I love my husband and he loves me too… He is a little different from men of his generation… He is very specific about a persons behavior than anything else. He expects respect and discipline, it took time for me to understand this. And during the time when I could understand him I told everything to my parents. In fact I tried to avoid but my mother always asked questions. My husband hates it. He feels my mother need not to know everything that happens at my in laws. I tried avoiding and as expected my parents esp my mom started making me feel guilty about it. My in laws are not very well to do. And me and my husband both are engineering graduates. My husbands family is a business family from 3-4 generations hr has tried working in Bangalore but it didn’t suit him and hence he has returned and is helping his father with the business … He has an younger brother he is married but his wife works and earns pretty well… The business runs ok ok meaning its ok for today we can’t save much in the given situation. Fighting and arguing never works with my husband , he needs to be handled with patience and a lot of time. So finally after an year we could sit and actually peacefully tall about it and he says he doesn’t want to go to Blore and if I am keen about working I cab join in his native there are colleges I can pickup teaching… But my parents are pressuring me to goto Blore without his consent… This 100% will lead to divorce I am sure.. They won’t agree… I have no idea iwhat do I do now. They give me timelines (2 months etc) to convince him to goto Blore. No matter how much I explain they shout at me fight with me . they are now scaring me that they will come make a big issue at my in laws place if I don’t come back to my mothers place. That ll break the marriage. Please help. I really love him and want to spend my life with him
Mathi says
Swetha,
Your parents have no rights to interfere into your married life. You say you love your husband. Don’t let your parents spoil it. Do not hesitate to tell them that you can look after your problems. Going to Bangalore or staying back should be your decision, not theirs. Don’t feel guilty in making your parents understand your unhappiness at their unwanted interference.
Suraj says
My in-laws plan for their stay with us. Wife, her sister, mother in law are made such kind of conspiracy. After i strongly denied such step, it is a continual fighting between us. Mother in law is atypical village women. Now the marriage is near to dead end. We are staying because of our only daughter. Unfortunately i have purchased a flat in both of our names. Now they are taking advantage of this.
In your answer it is mentioned by morals such as ‘it should…..’, ‘should not interfere….’ etc. Is there any criminal law / conspiracy law to punish such act is there ?
Please help me how to punish in-laws ?
Mathi says
Suraj.
Your in laws have no rights to stay with you. Be very firm in it as you will lose your privacy and peace. Do you have other relationship problems with your wife other than this?
Do not think of divorce. Both are duty bound to think of your daughter. You have to talk to your wife and make her see some reason. Can some other arrangement made for your mother in law? She should realize that she is interfering in the life of her daughter. It is a very sensitive issue which you should handle with patience.
Suraj says
Hi Madam
It is now not possible to stay for long time. Mother-in-law taught her daughter(my wife) ‘why you listen to your husband? You becomes like a dog. How you got birth from my womb? ‘. After like this brain washings my wife always in fighting for any matter because she don’t want to obey me. Always tell lie. You have mentioned rightly that it has to handle with patience. I have waited for 13 years. It is now made me sick. I am losing my health. Under this condition, it affects my daughter also.
Shilpa says
Suraj,
I understand the frustration and pain you have. I have undergoon the same. I was listening to my mother and gave hard times to my husband many times. I in fact used to not talk with him for months when I got angry with the advice of my mother. I really used strong words which hurt him many times and critized his parents and other family members too. My husband answered when we had the discussion But was very patient and did not talk to me too even when I was shouting but he made me realize he wants to talk to me and he cares for me and loves me etc all without talking with me. We used our daughter as intermediate sometimes in conveying words between us. I was married for 12 years and just this year I realized how my mother was interfering in our lives. I was very immature like your wife. Don’t talk to make the argument big and also before your mother in law. Just send a message if you want to convey something to your wife or tell ur daughter to tell her. Your daughter need not convey it, you say tell you mom we will need….etc then ur wife responses the same way. But with this u will remember we will be very careful In selecting the words we use because you are talking before the kids and both of you love the kids. It will definitely take time remember. One thing to remember, your life is over it is the now how your daughter’s life will be. A kid needs both parents, even if you think of re marrying that women will not give the same love as a real mother. Your daughter will face a real big problem/s in her life if you both separate. So what ever she talks just ignore and be calm for sometime. She will definitely at one time understand and will change. Silence also brings curiosity on the opposite side and will bring out love after a while. Please don’t spoil your kids life. I know the pain of how it will be without both the parents. Please just ignore to whatever she says and think she is also your daughter and she is talking like this immaturely. There will be 100% change uh her.
Shilpa says
Hi Mathi,
Sorry for long message but I have a lot of pain. My mother and father are divorced and my mom bought up three of us single hand. she gave us good education and life with the little amount of money we have. We also got some assets from our father around 14 lakhs I worked for 4 yrs after my studies earning starting rs.13000 to Rs.16000/month then got married and it is arranged. The total cost for marriage was Around 4 lakhs. My sister started working when my marriage is fixed and so we had someone to take care financially. My mother with the help of her friend applied for H1 visa with an agreement of no charge upfront and deducted from by salary in US and after marriage I came to US. I took a loan and paid for all my travel and expensives to come here and paid of the loan later. My husband came as my dependent and did not work for almost 2 yrs as he did not have a work visa. I could not send money to my mom because I am not earning much and my husband with no job. The problem started when my husband started working and after a few months has given money to his brother to start a business and my mom knew about it from my husband’s grandparents. My mom and siblings shouted at me and started criticizing about how much they spent for me for my marriage and US trip, and keeps saying I am doing everything for my husband’s family and I am ignoring my siblings. I told them I did work before marriage and actually earned for my marriage and paid for my US trip with Loan and also after marriage my husband’s family is my family. My mom says whatever I earn before marriage is not counted and it us all hers and she also gave me food and clothes too and raised me. I had to say about I paid for my marriage because only when she said she spent a lot for me and even my younger siblings say I used all their money from the 14 lakhs my father gave. They did not like me talking like that. My brother and sister say I used their money and they know it is not true as they had the money. My husband’s hates all these type of conversations with them and do not want them to interfere in our lives. She also interfered in my marriage life saying complains about my inlaws too. We are now married for 12 years and still they keep talking about the money my husband gave and that I am selfish and I changed after Marriage. In these years I have sent many items to them including many electronics and also helped my brother with his house loan. When my brother took 15 lakhs money from me he said He will pay off the loan with bank first because he need not give me interest. It has been almost 4 years and my money is not returned yet, he is in a big position now and earns 6 lacks /month but didnot pay off my money because my mom said he will pay the amount only in5 years which he will get return from a chit and will not pay my money from his salary. Now she visited US and making a big mess shouting near my husband that they did a lot for me and I didnot do anything despite me doing all these. I opened up about what all I did, what all I bought etc. everyone stopped talking to me. She keeps calling my brother and sister on phone and keeps talking loudly about me that she should have killed me when I was born. She does not like anyone to answer her back and wants us to follow her directions. She is also not able to adjust that I told her to not interfere in my life. I really feel bad because I know she did a lot for us but i don’t want her to interfere in our lives. She also keeps complaining about my brother’s wife to him and I told her to not to that as it will spoil their life. Does the same with my sisters family too. I told her to not interfere in our lives as we are grown up and know what to do and she always tell she did a lot and faced all these situations in life and knows better. She fights with me on that. I feel bad I was very harsh with her but she has a lot of ego and always want all of us to share all info with her and follow her directions. This is a big problem because she is creating walls between me and my siblings too. Please suggest what u can do to solve. I also told her she need not return 10 lakhs out of the 15 my brother has to give and keep it for herself. Relations are getting affected.
Mathi says
Shilpa,
Your mother is being very immature and dominating. She has only done her duty in bringing up her children among many hardships. Almost all mothers do it. You have been very generous. So do not feel guilty about the accusation that you are selfish. You are not. Sometimes relationship becomes meaningless when there is too much interference. Be firm in not allowing your mother to interfere in your married life. Her behavior should not in any way come in between your relationship with your husband. Here afterwards do not have any money dealings with your siblings. Money destroys relationships.
You need not share your family matters with your mother.It is very personal to you. Your duty ends when you have offered her ten lakhs. She has other children to look after her. This does not mean you have lost your love for your mother. You have to draw a dividing line between you and your mother to have some peace.You owe it to yourself.
Shilpa says
Thanks a lot Mathi for your reply. I will never have any more money dealings with anyone even if I am forced to. In fact she actually without asking me decided on giving 15 lakhs I got from a chit to my brother. I just could not say No because of the previous things that happened and if I say No they will make a big issue. She is going to leave next week from here to India. I have a strong feeling because of me opening up that our relationship is closed as she said not to call her and not to visit her even if she is dead. I really feel sad for those words and can’t share with my husband as I can’t degrade my mom. I just could not control the pain I was having from many years and had to open up. Strangely she complains to me about my sister and brother too and she complains about me-my brother to sister and me-my sister to my brother. Basically she does not like anyone who does not follow her words or talks loud to her. the reason she came to US is she feels my sister in law is not doing any cooking or work if she is there and they are treating mom like a servant. So she thought sil will learn cooking if mom is not with them and so she had choosen coming here. after going to India mom is thinking of Relaxing and staying in her room without much work. I really feel pity for my sister in law as she has to take her permission for everything big or small, once my mom told her to get out of the house if she does not listen to her. My brother did not say anything as he is scared to her voice and words. Staying here she is controlling by brother, he has to call her before going home so that she knows what all is going on and then he has to call again after going home so that his wife does not get a doubt. That is one of the reason she did not like me when I told her to stop doing that. I really want to save my brothers marrsige but my brother does not listen to me and even shares this to my mother only reason being scared of her. He even shares if his wife complains to him about my mom. He does not have maturity even though he studied and earning a lot. God has to save his marriage. my kids will lose maternal family that is one of the bad thing
Suraj says
Thanks a lot Ms. Shilpa. It is good that you have understood the real problem. We should understand that parents are respectable but it has a faint boundary. Parents are mostly disturb their children’s married life. The moment you understand this fact, then it is easy to take decision of your own. It is only possible if the person has capability of independent thinking. I am happy that you have developed your sense after 12 years of time. I wish your future life to be a happy & peaceful. I hope you will compensate the pain of 12 years of your husband and family with extra love and care.
I have tried all possible ways. Finally i concluded that a dog’s tail never be straighten. Whatever problem i mentioned is tip of iceberg. It is like a movie story. I understood that my marriage was a conspiracy. The marriage was fixed from day one. The similar game was played my mother in law by marrying an a person(with out parents) and send money to her parents. This kind of conspiracy is well taught from early childhood. It happens the same way in my case also. From day one my wife was trying to convince me to keep her parents with us. So i wish some day it will come true what you have said.
S. Ray says
hi,
i want to share my story in very short. I am (was) married for 12 long years. for 9 yrs I tolerated all insults and humiliation of in-laws and my husband gave a blind eye to the issues. after 9 yrs I left my job (because my husband refused to adjust his career, salary, wishes, interests, and linking), put break in phd (from IIT) and moved to his place for family planning. i became pregnant and open torture stated. whatever I tolerated till then from in-laws, started with more intensity and my husband joined the pool openly. as already warrened by doctors, after my miscarriage few years ago, I became critically ill. huge pain and tension of life risk of both me and child made my days horrible of the entire pregnancy duration.
I started losing my brain, ran away after 3rd week of delivery to get back mental stability, The baby was neglected by my husband and in-laws during my absence of one month. no one tried me to bring back to my baby, rather they threatened me for neglecting baby.
once the baby reached an age of 6 months I started working on my phd. with all mental torture, the threat of not giving financial support started. I was asked to forget my career and job and concentrate on the baby. I left his home and completed my Ph.D. leaving with the baby without a job. no financial support from my highly earning (few laks per month) husbands. my in-laws, he successfully motivated him to file divorce against me to..
now the question is how can i legally refuse the divorce? i dont want my baby to have an ex-father. either he remains the father of my baby or court must declare me as a single mother. the second option is not possible easily. so no divorce.
second thing, with i have not emphasized here is the interference of my in-laws. when they son himself is interested to give them all access in his married life, he consciously wants me to be the obidient servant of his parents and elder sister (and her husband and friends too). now what i can do to save the marriage without compromising self-respect and dignity.
Mathi says
Hi Ray,
You should have never left your new born baby. He is your responsibility. As for your marital problems, you are inviting it by being unsure of your rights. You have every right to finish your Ph.D. Not even your husband can deny you this. Your in laws will ill treat you only when you allow them to do so. Be very firm in keeping them from interfering into your life. For this you must become very confident and assertive.
You should definitely talk with your husband about your relationship. You should not let your marriage die without fighting for it. Don’t pick up fights with him. If you do so, he will not listen to you.
You should concentrate on your relationship with your husband. You must make him feel your love. If you time and again leave him, he will keep listening to his parents.
There are two options before you.
Talk to your husband about living independently.
If he truly wants his family life back, he will listen to you.Moving away from his parents will bring lots of positive changes in your life.
But if he is firm in divorcing you, it is no use begging for his love. You have your baby. You have your education. Find a job to become financially independent. Become confident and assertive. Let your husband realize that you cannot be played around with.
Sesh says
Hi,
I need some assistance and guidance. I am amrried to an only child and have been for 17 months. My husband and I used to always be on the same page, especially when it came to both our sets of parents. Before we got married, he’s parents used be to very liberal and undemanding and I naturally thoguht that it was so cool. My parents were very strict and orthodox and actually gave us curfews. I ahd actuall developed a very close bond with he’s parents to a point where he’s mum and I used to communicate every day.
After we got married, everything changed. He expected to contnue going down to see he’s parents every weekend (they stay approximately 2 hours away from us) yet he used to get upset when I wanted to visit my parents for a few minutes (they stay 10 minutes away from us). He’s family expecetd to see us every weekend, he’s mum wanted to decorate our newly bought house (which I pay half for), she made a comotion when we were furnishing our home, he calls he’s family and gives them a minute-to-minute detailed description of what we doing every day, he’s mother tells him what to do and not to do, she tells him when to take leave and not take leave. I find myself constantly working as an excuse not to go down to he’s parents. Every holiday or time off, tehre is an expectation that we go to them. Now he’s grandmother get’s involved after I told him that he either has the conversation with he”s parents and sets boundaries or I will leave him. Now I see he’s mother has resorted to using her mother (he’s grandmother) to dictate to us. I told him that he either has the conversation, or I will…and it will obviously not go down well.
Over and above everything, when we go to their house, it’s so cold and restricted, you constantly feel anxious and out of place.He always looks for excuses to do things with my parents yet he expects me to do everything with he’s parents. I actually started refusing, I don’t want to and I started making it known to him, obviously he thinks I’ve changed and hate he’s parents and grandmother. To be honest, they don’t treat me well so I told him I don’t care about them nor what they think about me.
He’s mother acts like he’s her boyfriend instead of her son. They phone each other and talk when I’m not around or he hides and call her. She take’s him into the room or whispers in he’s ear like they lovers in a room full of people to discuss things. They make plans behind my back becuse they know I will not agree to her or he’s grandmother dictating to me.
It has made me such an angry and frustrated person, I feel like I’ve competely lost who I am becuase i’m constantly moody and angry and upset. I used to always be so happy and bubbly and jovial, now I can’t seem to smile. I have even stopped asking him to do things with me, he also finds excuses to do them with me, yet he’ll do them with he’s family.
I really try not to fight or nag him and confront him about things. I try to calm down and not think about things too much to prevent me flaring up, but there’s times when I just explode. I told him he should rather go back to he’s mother and I will go back to my family because it seems liek he’s family doesn’t udnerstand what would happen after he got married. I’m not prepared to live this life anymore, always caged and restricted. I’m a modern, independant, woman, he’s mother and grandmother have no right to think they can control or dictate to me. They’ve done nothing to expect themselves to be able to have that right. I really feel it’s about time I lay some rules and boundaries myself, but he doesn’t seem to wnat that/. My only other alternative is to start living my life with or without him. I feel time is moving so fasta nd I need to live my life. If he wants to be by he’s mother and grandmother, he can do that, I won’t stop him, but I refuse to hold their hands with him. I need to live my life and experience life.
I even feel like I shouldn’t have gotten married to him. My life was so much better and carefree before I met him or he’s family. I constantly fell caged and constricted.All he does is atke he’s mother and grandmother’s side and I actually don’t care what he or he’s family think anymore. I even told him as much.
I, who generally has a good thought about people, who is reasonable an dlevel headed, who never got angry or said a bd word to anynoe, finds myself completely despising he’s mother and grandmother.
I’m not sure what to do. Please provide some advice where you can.
Mathi says
Hi Sesh,
You are not alone is facing such a problem in your marriage. Lots of women face your problem in their married life. Your mother in law is smothering your husband because he is her only son. I think she is feeling emotionally insecure that she might lose her son. But it is her problem, not yours.
It is true you should set boundaries with your mother in law. And your husband should also set certain boundaries with her. He cannot go to her like a school boy reciting whatever happened.
I can understand your emotions. But you have not written how your husband behaves with you. Does he abuse you? Is he communicative with you?
Don’t feel that your marriage has ended because it has not. You should have a frank talk with your husband. You say you have already told him about the dislike the behavior of your mother in law creates in you.
You should further tell him that your married life might suffer if he continues to be mama’s boy. Refrain from going to your mother in law’s house. It is your right. Go as you like to your parent’s house. It is your right.
Make your husband understand that you mean business and you will never allow him to behave like a school boy. You must be patient to make your husband understand your point of view.