Is your husband a mama’s boy ?
Rather nerve-wracking to live with such a person, isn’t it?
When you marry your husband, it is only natural you expect him to be all yours.
- You want your husband to share all his inner most feelings with you.
- You want him to spend time with you.
- You want him to discuss family issues with you.
- You want your husband to place you at the top of his priority list.
- You want him to appreciate your contribution towards the family.
Yours are very normal wishes, isn’t it?
But if you are married to a mama’s boy husband, he still clings to his mother for his emotional support. He acts as though he was still a thumb sucking child.
And if this was not enough, your husband makes you feel secondary in his life by making his mother his first priority.
Naturally, you feel antagonistic towards your mother-in-law. The attitude of your mama’s boy husband makes your relationship with her rather heated up.
This is a common scenario you experience if you are married to a mama’s boy.
NEVER MIND.
There are easy ways to deal with your mama’s boy husband.
1. Be firm and decisive
Never make the mistake of intruding into the bond your mama’s boy husband has with his mother. It is his right.
But say no when this relationship intrudes into your personal zone.
You are the life partner of your husband. You are the only one who will share all the ups and downs of your husband’s life. Not his mother. She can at best give your husband moral support.
You are the only person to suffer when your husband faces consistent defeats and failures. Bearing the brunt of the problems your husband faces makes you feel that you have more rights over him than his mother.
But your mother-in-law does not think so. She still dominates your husband feeling that he is still her kid boy who clung to her for almost everything.
You are enraged and furious at her possessive behavior, aren’t you?
Feeling angry against your mother-in-law will get you nowhere.
Instead of harboring resentment against your mother-in-law, the first thing you should do is have a firm talk with your husband.
Tell him that there should be no intrusion into your family life from his mother.
2. Never intrude into your husband’s relationship with his mother
Never try to come in between the affectionate relationship your husband has with his mother.
If you do so, your husband will hate you for your unwanted intrusion into his personal space.
Let your husband spend time with his mother. Never interfere when he financially helps her.
But put the brakes when your husband prefers his mother over you.
Let us suppose you plan a private family outing.
Your excitement falls flat on its face when your husband includes his mother, doesn’t it?
You should be firm in making your husband understand that he must discuss with you his decision of bringing his mother along when you go out as a family.
After marriage your husband should understand that he cannot still be a mama’s boy.
Ask your husband to inform you beforehand if he wants to take you to his mother’s.
It is always better to be open with your husband than to hide your feelings within you.
If you do not open out your feelings, you will definitely end up in building resentment against your husband.
So, be very frank and blunt with your husband regarding his mother.
3. Be firm about your own personal space
Your husband has no right to force his mother on you.
He should understand that you can never be emotionally close to your mother-in-law as you are with your mother.
You find it quite impossible to accept your mother-in-law as your own.
Your mother-in-law becomes your family only because you married your husband. Otherwise, you do not have any emotional strings attached to her.
Your roots will forever remain with your mother. It was her relentless love and care that has converted you into a person that you are today.
Just as your husband loves his mother, you love yours.
Tell your husband frankly that you can respect his mother, but cannot treat her as you treat your mother.
Unless you are firm in setting your boundaries, your mama’s boy husband will never understand that you dislike his childish clinging to his mother.
4. Deal with your mother-in-law personally
Your mother-in-law should realize that her son is now married and has become answerable to you.
But one word of caution.
Your mother-in-law is not your enemy. She is your husband’s mother. You owe her respect.
So, never confront your mother-in-law with angry and bitter words. Understand with empathy that when she deliberately acts as though your husband is still her small little boy, she is feeling emotionally insecure.
Do not hurt her by spurting out with harsh words.
If you do so, your mother-in-law will head straight to her son with her sobbing version of the story – often with added color and tone.
The best way is to coolly ignore your mother-in-law when she insists on giving unwanted advice about things which you can do with more proficiency.
If she insists on reminding about what her son likes and dislikes, maintain a dignified silence.
Your silence will make your mother-in-law understand that she is over stepping her rights.
5. Do your own thing
You have the right to live your married life as you want to. The only person you are accountable to is your husband.
Nobody else.
Do not change the way you dress fearing the biting tongue of your mother-in-law.
You can cook only your style, not hers.
You should bring up your children according to your wishes and not according to the outdated wishes of your mother-in-law.
Your mama’s boy husband should realize that you have set your own boundaries as far as his mother is concerned.
Conclusion
Your mother-in-law is a person to be respected. But you are not doing anything wrong when you feel apprehensive of living the same house with her.
You should consult her on important family issues, but make sure that the final decision is always yours.
Do you really want your mama’s boy husband to change?
Never soft pedal on this sensitive issue as it will have a negative impact in your relationship with your husband in the future.
Your husband should defintely love his mother, but he should also understand that he owes you his time, responsibility and commitment.
It is time your husband also understands that he cannot travel in two boats at the same time.
bvn aparna says
PLEASE GIVE SUGGESSIONS
Mathi says
Hi Aparna,
Is your husband affectionate towards his mother? You should not mind it. It is his right. But is your husband obssessed with his mother and ignores you?
Then you should definetly step in to deal with this problem.
Your husband has all the right to love his mother, but not at the cost of ignoring you.
You have to talk with your husband. I am not sure of your problem. So, if you are specific I can advice you about it.
Wendy Anne Carvalho says
I,m 60 and have been married for 37 yrs and have 2 Adult children. Mother òinlaw is 86 yrs ,an Anglo indian.Very cunning women ! Tells liars ,manipulates the whole Family.
What can i do?
Mathi says
Hi Wendy,
It is sad that you have lived in fear of your mother in law for so long. You are 60 and you have the age and experience to deal with her. But you must understand that your mother in law is also very old and so should be dealt with sensitively. Just set your boundaries and do not allow her beyond that. That is the only thing you can do at this phase of her life.
Neetha says
Hi Mathi,
Is there an email to reach out to you separately?
Thanks & Regards,
Neetha
Mathi says
Hi Neetha.
My email address is mathisurendran@gmail.com. You can contact me anytime.
Wanda Green says
Hi Mathi,
I am a 62 year old women. Been married for 29 yeard. We moved my mother-in-law with us after her husband past. She have six children, but the only one that takes care of her is my husband and I. They said that they can’t do it. Each day Im understanding why. Seems like he put her first in everything. She is mean to me saying when are we getting a divorce. She have been with us for 7 years. I had to have professional help through a psychiatrist. I try to ignore her but sometimes it’s hard. My hudband is a mama’s boy. Everywhere we go he puts her in the front seat. I always feel second. Sometimes I feel like walking away. Any suggestions.
Mathi says
Hi Wanda,
Your husband is duty bound to look after his mother. But you are not duty bound to bear the abuse of your mother-in-law. Your husband might be a mama boy. It should not make you feel secondary in your husband’s life. You should show your mother in law that you will retalitate is she abuses you. Yes. You should show some sort of a retaliation towards your mother in law.
Your mother in law threatening of divorce should not worry you. She can do nothing to shake your position in your husband’s life.
Talk to your husband. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not take the abuse of your mother in law lightly.
Your situation is such that only you can help yourself. It is you who should show your mother in law her place. No one else can do it for you.